Lies My Mother Told Me

Ever since we were little girls, our mothers have always fed us dating advice. Some of it was in hopes that we would not make the same mistakes they did, others were put out there simply to deter us from making decisions they would rather we didn’t make. Either way, as an adult and being in the dating world for as long as I have, I have realized that ladies, your mothers lied to you. Now they may have knowingly lied, which makes it worse. Or they may have just been unknowing participants in a long chain of mothers lying to their daughters that have just transcended time. However, I feel the need to debunk a few of these myths, so I will address and nullify some of my very favorites.

Myth #1: “If a boy is mean to you, that means he likes you.”

Ok mom. I believed you there for a bit. All those boys on the playground in grade school calling me frizzy hair, or made jokes about whatever awkward adolescent stage you were going through at the time were really trying to suppress their deep and undying affection for me? Yeah I must have been gullible. I believe this is a mother’s protective nature to tell you this lie. The last thing she wants is to see spilled tears over the incessant meanness of little boys, so she throws in this little lie much like you used to tell your friends it was “Opposite Day” when you made a huge glaring mistake on something like your choice of outfit. (“Oh, you don’t like my 3 colored leg warmers and stretch pants with the NKOTB t-shirt? Well that’s cause it’s OPPOSITE DAY! Haha! Got you guys GOOD!”)

However small this lie may have been, unfortunately mothers, this lie transcends us women into adulthood. Like women do though, we make it infinitely more complex than needed. So, while good guy after good guy keeps stumbling on by us many women sit here and are subconsciously processing our mother’s adage and think “Oh, I want me a bad boy. Because when a boy is bad, and treats me like dirt that means he’s really into me.” See what the catastrophic ramifications are Mom? Geez.

So mom, you should have just said “Boys are mean to you because they are too dumb and infantile to converse regularly, so suck it up and kick them in the shins.”

Myth #2: “There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

Really? Awesome! This lie is always a fun one because it’s one of those hidden make you feel good and feel bad at the same time lies. In one perspective hearing this is supposed to give you that comfy feeling after your broke up with your significant other, or if you have been single for eons. But once you really look at it, you begin to realize, wow, if there are so many fish in the sea, how will I ever be content with who I’m with? It’s the whole “grass is greener on the other side” mentality that will constantly force you to look in every nook and cranny before realizing “Wait…I had a good one there didn’t I? Damn. He just got engaged to someone else. Oh woe is me, there are plenty of fish in the sea!”

So mom, you should have said “Darling, I know things did not work out with Johnny Badboyfriend, but many men will walk in and out of your life. Some are good, some are bad. But make sure you relish the ones that respect, cherish and love you to the best of their ability, and don’t look forward when the present is right in front of you.”

Myth #3: “Men are intimidated by powerful women.”

Archaic, I agree. However, many bold, beautiful and amazingly intelligent women are told this every day. Some women are bad asses in the board room but go out and become these demure creatures. I’ll admit I tone down the bitchiness from work to relationships. But…if you are truly a friend, you know the bitchiness is always there. If you are a powerful woman, that is so sexy to men. And if those men are not attracted to sexy, smart and powerful women, then fine, they weren’t meant for you. Relationships are a yin and yang, so there’s always give and take, but if you are a Type A personality, don’t compromise and become a Type B personality at home. Those shifts in personality will really help you lose focus of who you are as a woman inside and out.

So mom, you should have said “Do not compromise who you are to please another person. As long as you are happy with who you are, you have no other person to please.”

Myth #4: “Don’t talk about religion or politics on a first date.”

Why the hell not? The conversation is going to come up sooner or later right? So get it out of the way. People have such strong moral obligations to politics and religion that they inevitably shape their lives. People claim they aren’t defined by these things, but in essence it does shape your worldviews and how you approach people and situations. Ask away, God forbid you learn something about a person other than their job and where they live.

Myth #5: “Don’t ever kiss on a first date.”

Oh yes, repression at its finest. If you had a fabulous date with someone why wouldn’t you want to test the waters with a kiss? Kisses to me are the best way to gauge the initial chemistry with someone. To me, people who set up timelines and dating goals throughout their lifetime have no real concept of living in the moment. (You know what I’m talking about. The girl who says, only kiss after the 3rd date, no sex until dating for approximately 3 full months, don’t get married until you’ve been engaged for at least a year…etc).

So mom, you should have said “Sweetie, don’t ever set guidelines for falling in love. Once you put timeframes on feelings they become boxed in, rather than free flowing and all encompassing. So, if you feel something, go with it. No regrets. Just don’t kiss EVERY boy you meet just to try it out. Make sure they deserve the kiss in the first place.”

Myth #6: “Don’t offer to pay on a first date.”

All right men, I have your back on this one. From an early age or mommy dearest has told us that “proper” women do not pay and mainly this reason is the fact that we are told that men would “feel bad” if a woman paid. Some men, actually most men will probably have that complex, and blame that on their fathers telling them they have to “provide” for their woman. So, now we’re at the middle of dealing with two goofy parenting messages. So let’s look at what the lie. The lie says “don’t offer”. So, offer. It shows that you are not there just for a free meal and that you acknowledge the monetary loss of forking over money for a date. Dating gets expensive, especially in this economy. So, going halfsies is not always a bad thing. Over time, most couple don’t even keep track of who pays for what anymore.

So mom, you should have said “Always at least offer to pay for your share. Don’t feel that any man should take care of everything for you or that a man needs to pay a monetary contribution to enjoy your company. That’s what hookers are for. You’re not a hooker are you?”

Myth #7: “Men are afraid to commit.”

Not necessarily true. This is another lie your mom tells you when you’ve dealt with a boyfriend who’s had a bit of a wandering eye. Men are not afraid to commit to the right woman. So, sorry, you probably just weren’t the right woman. Men do enjoy, just as much as women do, their single freedom. But ladies, men are way less complex on a lot of fronts including this one. If you are the person they want to be with, they will be with you. If not, move on to another man who wants to devote his time and cherish you.

So mom, you should have said “Good men for you are not afraid to commit to you. However, know that commitment is not something to take lightly, nor it is something you always need to be a part of. It’s ok to casually date and it’s ok to have a relationship with someone that is not defined. Simply enjoy the company of another and let definitions roll in on their own time.”

Myth #8: “Don’t worry, you can change him.”

Rare, very rare. Most people are who they are. Some are good at being conniving or misleading, but in the end, all they are is a conniver and misleader, which is not something you want. So, take people at face value. If someone is a jerk to you, or treats you disrespectfully, don’t ask them to change. Change comes from within and only occurs if someone truly wants to change. Men are not like a new pair of shoes that you can toss on and off as you please, so don’t expect the same interchangeability. Women enjoy holding onto the notion that if they were a good enough woman they could change any man. That all that man needs is a woman to set them straight. Nope, get that out of your head now, please.

So mom, you should have said, “Don’t change anyone. Just learn from that person and understand that the problem was not yours to fix. Fixing people without their permission is like baking a cake without knowing the ingredients. So stick with what they give you and either work with it, or move on.”

Myth #9: “Love conquers all.”

Love does many things in life, but love never bypasses everything. It can’t, simply because love is way more encompassing that a single entity. Love is different things to different people based on morals, spirituality, family, entertainment, whatever thing may sway you. Everyone likes to hold onto an ideal that love will get you through anything. But, love is work, love is a challenge and love is not always pretty.

So mom, you should have said, “Love is powerful, but don’t let it be your everything. Because if you do, you will become lost in a sense of longing for an emotion that you may or may not feel for someone. Enjoy that love is everywhere around you, but don’t expect it to fight your battles.”

Myth #10: “Opposites attract.”

I believe this one to a point. I think there does need to be some sort of polarity in any relationship, otherwise conversations would go like this

Joe: “Oh darling, the new democratic stimulus plan is absolutely perfect.”
Jane: “I agree.”

Boring right? Every other statement is, I agree. Definitely not my image of a thought provoking relationship. I once had a friend say to me “Oh things are great, we never fight!” This scared me, simply because without a little healthy banter here and there, you become monotonous and hum drum. Not to mention, the day that you DO discover something to fight about, and trust me, they will, it will not be pretty.

However, being opposites is not always cohesive to a lasting relationship. If you are constantly fighting with someone, no joy will ever be found and it will make for a very tumultuous relationship in the end. So don’t look for your opposite, look for your complement.

So mom, you should have said, “Look for the person that has qualities you lack but shares pieces of commonalities. Together, the joining of your personalities will complement and enhance your lives to new levels.”