Did I lose my Swag?

The other evening over IM before I went out to New York with my favorite fellas, I mentioned that I felt like I was losing my edge. For some reason my swag just isn't what it used to be. (Maybe I've been eating too many cookies... ;) haha) Either way, the confidence at the club just isn't what it used to be. Normally, I would roll up into spots like I was the hottest white girl ready to rock every one's world with my rockin' hips and uncharacteristically rhythmic moves for a white girl from Ohio. I used to walk with this air of confidence and street meanness that to be honest I have no idea where it came from.

My ex once mentioned this mentality to me. He said the moment I crossed the tunnel into the city my whole demeanor shifts from cheerful Midwest transplant to street diva. I think that was something I picked up when I interned in Manhattan during college. As I relayed my internship experience to my sociology professors I told them I learned to write the words "Don't fuck with me" on my forehead when I walked around. To the point where I would be walking down the streets and guys would holler and say "Hey, smile beautiful!" Seriously I was being TOLD to smile.

So I feel like I began to own my Sasha Fierceness mentality, particularly when I would go out to the spot. I mastered the tousled hair look, and then suggestive glances while I sipped on my overpriced redbull and vodka. And then men would just flock, unless I had sicked my built in bodyguard team of guy friends for the cockblock.

Lately however I start to feel like the awkward white girl in the corner scoping the room in hopes for a semi-attractive looking guy to notice. I mean did my appearance change that much since the summer? Am I getting too old for the young bucks at the club? Or did I finally lose my cool?

Now I'm not claiming to be the hottest thing rolling into the club, nor am I claiming that every night is a winner in terms of finding guys. More often than not I get the roughest, grimiest, nastiest dudes rolling up to me, but at least the attention is forthcoming.

I know my confidence has sank the last few months due to the many personal outliers in my life. However, I'm beginning to think that the ugliness I was carrying on the inside throughout all of this turmoil has finally erupted and snuck to my exterior. Ouch. Maybe the battle wounds of months of unhappiness and personal stress and struggle finally caught up to me. As a person I tend to hide things and internalize a lot of things (surprise right?). So, I suppose this is my body's way of saying "Hey hold up. Fine. You want to damage our inside and make you an ugly person and you fail to see it? No worries. We'll project it until you actually realize what it's doing to you." Hello wake up call.

This is the first weekend I've had to reflect on some things mindlessly. Since the beginning of the year everything has been at full force, and my body finally took action and said "Uh huh, no more." (My body talks to me a lot apparently...) So, now I'm sick with a cold. Too hard, too fast obviously. In a way the sickness is a blessing, as is the snow outside which is forcing me to stay in the warmth of my apartment probably for the remainder of the weekend alone. I find it interesting and almost an evolutionary technique that human bodies have learned to slow us down when we're under great deals of stress by shutting down and impairing it from proceeding through things.

So, body I am listening. I hear you loud and clear now. My soul is tired, yet I promise to nourish you with good, natural food. I promise to exercise you at least 4-5 times a week to keep you sharp. I vow to rid the internal demons and cleanse the unhappiness through meditation and writing. And I vow to keep your mind acute and aware by providing nights of restful sleep and good books. But most importantly body, I promise not to be boring about all of this. I promise I nice mix of fun and dedicated healthiness. No longer will I either indulge until I collapse or discipline myself until my life is on auto-pilot. I promise to make plans to engage in the happiness that is lasting friendships and relationships, both with you and with others. This I solemnly swear. Hallelujah!! (That was my body rejoicing...)