Got Bros in Different Area Codes?

As some of you may or may not know, I no longer live on the exciting, thrilling, fast paced E-coast. I know, shed your tears now. And yes, I know this somewhat defeats the name of the blog, but I think for posterity sake it still has relevance. So... now I'm back in the Midwest cornfields of Ohio searching for love, or something like it. It may not be as glamorous, but it still has it's share of funny stories, interesting observations and anecdotal advice.

Recently, I switched one of my online dating accounts to reflect my new locale and immediately I have noticed SIGNIFICANT differences in the courting/dating style of East Coast versus Midwest men. So, let's break it down, shall we?

Observation #1: Taste in men needs to change drastically.

All right, I know I won't win the adoration of Midwest men on this one, but I believe this theory has been confirmed by enough sources for me to assure its validity. Ok, so it's no surprise that men in each location vary in terms of looks, aspirations, jobs, values, etc. So, let me make a parallel to my point and look at dating much like working in different locations. Now, many people look at NYC as one of the "cream of the crop" locations in terms of finding competitive work. People there just have a certain sort of gusto about their career and inevitably that means you are working around some the smartest, most creative and diverse people in the world. Not to say these people don't reside anywhere else, but it always seems that there are large clusters of these people in metropolitan areas.

Now, in Ohio... well, I've noticed that first thing, diversity is extremely hard to find. I consider myself a fairly equal opportunity dater, but I do have a special place in my heart for those of the darker skinned persuasion, and well let's just say the pool of men dropped significantly moving to Ohio.

The other thing I noticed is that the looks of the men are completely different. In New York, you always saw the metrosexual type men who dressed in suits, wore hip clothing and were always on the cutting edge of style. Here... not so much. It's jeans and t-shirts all the way.

Observation #2: Less upfronted-ness (yeah, coin that phrase)

We all know New Yorkers and New Jersey folks are in your face about everything. Not much is left unsaid in a conversation with anyone from there, and no topic is off limits, especially sex. I was explaining this phenomenon to one of my friends and her husband the other night and I said that talking about sex on the East Coast is as breezy as talking about the weather. It's just one of those things that always comes up in conversation. Maybe it's the sexual energy of the city, or something in the water, but inevitably sex ALWAYS comes up in conversation, and it comes up QUICK. Here, I've been speaking with a few people with the potential of dating and NOT ONCE has sex come up. It's odd, yet very refreshing.

Observation #3: Dating radius is widened.

I live in the middle of nowhere of Ohio, so it's very refreshing that people here have no problem traveling 2-3 hours simply to date someone. It helps me, simply because if I had to date in a 20 mile radius I'd be completely f'ed. Big time. In NJ, you rarely, if ever could get a Manhattan guy to cross the bridge to NJ for a date (and that's only 3 miles). Hell, I even did it. "Oh you live in Queens? Man that's the furthest borough away from me....I think I'll pass." Or "You live down near the shore in South Jersey? That's a lot of tolls...I don't think so."

Either way, dating in any location has its nuances, and I'm extremely excited to test the waters here and really compare some notes and see what happens.

"Let me take you on an ex-capade" (Let's go!)

Those should have been the real lyrics to Janet Jackson's "Escapade" by the way. I claim copyright now.

I think we're all guilty of making horribly elementary mistakes when it comes to dating, but isn't it truly the cardinal rule on dates, especially first dates that you try to avoid bringing up the dreaded ex's convo?

There are many faux pas conversation topics that can arise when you first meet someone. To me, discussing religion or politics on a first date is actually not a bad idea, though I'm sure Martha Stewart's etiquette would say otherwise. I mean how else will you find out if the person you are with is a closeted bigot or the Antichrist? Or maybe that's your type...

I'm not sure where these sort of unwritten dating codes came about, particularly regarding conversation. When you think about it, why not bring up brash and irreverent conversation pieces simply so you can figure out who you're dealing sooner... rather than later. It may save you some awkwardness later down the line right? I mean why go through the trouble of really getting to know someone if there's a giant moral roadblock in your line of vision?

Maybe bringing up ex's in conversation has it's place in first date conversation. Possibly it gives us some sort of weird commiserating ally in the battle of dating wounds. Or, in some cases it will send up red flags of what a douchebag of a man is sitting right across from you. Either way though, I have found that the people who drag on and on and on about their ex's during date conversation have either 1) been scorned so harshly by their ex's that they therapeutically need to divulge all of their ex history simply so someone can rationalize to them that they were the ones that were wronged (though there's always two sides to those stories) or 2) they still aren't over it.

All right, we're all guilty of saying snide things when it comes to our ex's in conversation with someone new we're dating. I believe we all do this, or at least I know I do this intentionally as to say "Hey, listen up buddy, if you do what this asshole of an ex did to me, I'm cutting your nuts off." Ok, not that drastic, but there's a veiled threat of castration emotionally if we let someone wrong us the same exact way an ex previously did.

But as my date the other night blabbed through not one, not two, not three, but four hours of his ex-capades I could not believe I was still sitting there. Granted, I was thinking "Hey this is a great blog topic. I hope he keeps saying more dumb shit that won't get him a second date" but, that's besides the point. This was a different breed of dude. Most men will maybe wallow over their last love that wrong them, but no joke here, this guy ran through alllll of his ex's, their detailed love story and subsequent breakup and now I know all of them on a first name basis. Yes, talk about a TMI conversation if there ever was one.

I mean I was even one upped in this conversation. It's been awhile since I've had one of those one-upper dates. You know what I'm talking about, it's like that that Pharrell and Clipse song "Mr. Me Too" when you tell a really horrible story about your dating past, or even just a story in general and then he looks at you with a twinkle in his eye and goes "Oh yeah? I got an even BETTER story than that." Really? Is this the bad dating Olympics? What's the WR split time on the amount of time one must listen to these stories?

In reality most ex stories are at its barebones basically the same. Boy meets girl, girl meets boy, they fall in love, they get together, one does the other wrong, other one copes with situation with their arsenal of defense mechanisms while the other rebounds like a champ. Right? So why do we all think that our history, our past, our ex history is more pertinent or relevant than someone else's?

A lot of us cling to excuses to avoid situations in life (me included!). It's like a human pathology to blame circumstance, environment, other people, global warming or fate for the reason things happen to us. Instead though, maybe its a karmic cycle, whereas if you put positive energy out there, positive people and things will come back to you. The opposite occurs as well. I mean how many times have you had one crappy thing happen to you and you let it affect your day and all of a sudden a mountain of other crappy things come tumbling down on top of the one crappy thing? Negativity is like a reverse magnet where instead of a negative charge pulling in a positive charge, the negative push only sends in more negative situations.

So, let's all STOP talking about our negative ex-periences and instead focus on the positives...which of course is yourself. I mean who's more awesome than you? Well, besides me of course.

Red Light, Yellow Light, Green Light... GO!

As I was driving through my 3 stoplight hometown I remembered reading about Stoplight parties in college. I will admit, I had never attended one of these events, but as I was driving I couldn't help but think, "Why can't real dating be like that?"

Now, if you are not familiar with stoplight parties, the basic premise is that you wear a bracelet around your wrist basically telling people at the party what you were looking for. Now I believe it was up to the discretion of the party thrower on what those designations were but the general gist was red=not looking, yellow=maybe after a few drinks you could convince me, and green=yes I'm ready to be laid tonight. I believe some intelligent junior highers developed a more sophisticated code with these parties and wore other coded type bracelets that indicated what sort of sexual acts they were willing to. Bravo public schools, bravo!

So yes, stoplight parties are all fun and wonderful, but what if dating was similar? I mean what if you could wear a certain color bracelet at the grocery store, bar, library, train, wherever you meet people and it indicated what you were looking for, whether it was a long term relationship, a fuck buddy, a one night stand, a sugar daddy, or nothing at all. My life would be so much simpler I swear.

I am a firm believer that men are usually pretty clear on what their intentions are with a woman, but us women being the overcomplicators that we are, inherently add complexity to their intentions to the point where it all becomes giant relationship mush in our heads and the next thing we know we have ourselves full convinced that the guy we slept with the night before after too many trips to the bar is definitely the man we should be marrying. Yeah, we're THAT f'd up.

So, if we all wore little bracelets that denoted what we wanted then there would be less confusion. I'm sure some of you naysayers in the background (yeah I see you), are saying "Whatever, everyone would just lie about what they want just to get what they want". Well, smart ass, I have my Master's more than one thing, sooooo... my brilliant plan is to make these bracelets like mood rings. GENIUS! Thank me later. This way, your mood will dictate what you're looking for that evening. So, next time you roll to the bar post-breakup and your bracelet lights up like a Christmas tree and says "Looking to hook up!" then just blame your hormones, not your bad choices. Problemo solved.

Anyways, I know this is an absolutely ludicrous idea, but it still begs the point that communicating is one of the biggest barriers at the beginning of getting to know someone. So often we feel that we need to tip toe around the big stuff such as the "Where is this going?" talk, or "what do you want from me?" which is ridiculous. I cannot even count the amount of times I've gotten to the point of being around someone thinking "I really like this person, and want to date them" and all of a sudden I bring up that conversation (of course after I'm emotionally attached) and I get totally burned when that person is like "Oh, I was just looking for friends." Thanks asshole. Could have shared that 4 weeks ago. So, don't be afraid to ask those questions that many people think will kill a good thing. It will save you more than your fair share of heartache. Being open, honest and upfront will only bring you back open, honest and upfront feelings in return. I mean why waste your time on another guy just looking for a hookup when you deserve much more?

Bob Villa's Got Nothin' on a Handywoman

With the recent indefinite vacation that God decided I needed to take on my life path, I had the opportunity to wander down to Kentucky to relive my college days. Granted there probably wasn't as much Bourbon or booty dancing as I did in college, but instead I replaced it with too much vodka/redbull and making fun of drunk college girls dancing on stages with too short dresses. Oh how I've matured.

While I'm in the good ol' Bluegrass, I usually end up staying with my friend Kate, who I adore and love. She's two years younger than me, and she's definitely the lady I attribute to my wilder days/side of my life. Regardless of the shenanigans we find ourselves in, we always have a great laugh about it and will have plenty of hysterical stories to share our future daughters... when they're of age of course.

So, it's been awhile since I've had some serious girl time. About 99% of my friends up on the East coast happen to be men, and most of my girlfriends live in the city, so seeing them is few and far happy hours in between. Therefore, I had the chance to catch up with many of my ladies, and the topic of "fixing" men came up.

Women, why do we do this? Invariably all of us have at least at some point in our dating and relationship lives attempted to fix a man. Notice I said "attempted". Guaranteed most of you haven't succeeded. And if you did succeed, ladies the man was probably not worth a damn if he let a woman "fix" him.

Men and women do have certain similarities in that deep down we're all "fixers". The difference though is that men have enough common sense to know that they can fix inanimate objects that are moldable and pliable. Whereas women, we apparently enjoy the challenge of fixing something live and fluid in nature. Maybe it's our competitive spirit. Either way, women receive some sort of devilish pleasure of saying "Yes, he was a bad boy until he met me. He's a changed man." No. He's a dumb man. Or a smart one if he fooled you enough to think you had anything to do with changing him.

Now ladies, I'm sure you are raising your hand like a kid in kindergarten who finally knows the answer to the teacher's question saying "But... but... I truly did change him!" or better yet, "I KNOW a friend who changed her man." Both are mythological creatures much like unicorns, mermaids and chupacabras. You think you saw them, they did a documentary about them, websites are dedicated to them and you even have a Disney movie in the works about it. All do not make them many more realer. (Yeah I'm pretty sure "realer" isn't a word, but the double emphasis was required).

My theory is that a habit of fixing comes from sheer laziness. Because let's be honest, it doesn't take any skill whatsoever to find a loser of a man. In fact, I guarantee that you could walk out to a bar, announce you are female and single and loser dudes will just line up for the taking. It's like a Chinese buffet. There's always plenty to eat, and you're always hungry for more about 30 minutes later.

It takes EFFORT to find a good man. True and genuine effort. Now I'm not saying effort as in you need to scour all the bars, libraries, grocery stores and internet sites forcing yourself to find the right man. (God I need to follow my own advice...dammit, I hate when that happens). The real effort comes in knowing that finding a good man requires you to put in the effort to be patient and wait for him to come to you. Because ladies...men are the same.

With men, their laziness far surpasses yours. It did not take a rocket scientist to inform those loser dudes to line up at your doorstep, nor did it take them any effort to do so. You came out and said "I'm ready, I'm willing and I'll try anything." Loser men can smell desperation like sharks smell blood in the water. They got ya, hook, line and sinker. Bad set up, I know.

To know someone is truly interested in you, let them do the work. Men are simple hunters in the truest sense in that they enjoy the pursuit (and I don't want ANY men saying otherwise, because if it was easy to catch you would never ever want it). I know this is a line that your mother and grandmother have told for years. Normally it comes in the wrapped up box of "Don't give it up too soon", but what mama is trying to tell you is, "Make him work for it!".

So, if you want a non-lazy, hard working, ambitious, and smart man you need to get rid of your lazy habits as well. Throw out your dating tool belt filled with loser-attracting arsenal. Instead, invest in something worth your time, every time. You.

The Friendly Inquisition

Have you ever stopped to count how many times people speak in cliches in any given conversation? Recently I've been going through some transitions, namely I was laid off from my regular full time gig (so expect to see lots more from me!) and I moved to a new apartment shortly before previously mentioned incident. Love the timing of my life right? I apparently am a clusterfunk of ill timing and missed opportunities. However, I think I'd prefer to believe that all of these awkward missteps are leading up to one giantly awesome leap into a world much cooler than the one I think revolves around me.

I learned through this transition though that being laid off has many parallels and often similar advice given from others as dating does. There are three key questions that people ask both those of us who are laid off and those of us who have been put on an indefinite relationship sabbatical. I guess if you really think about it, dating could be considered my part time job, so I should halfway expect the advice and concern to be similar.

Question #1: What happened?

Usually when you drop a bomb on someone about your personal life whether its work or relationship oriented their feigned curiosity kicks in. Half the time I believe this need for satiation comes from a deep desire of 1) voyeurism and 2) people pray that shit like this never happens to them, so they desperately search for a solid reason other than "I don't know" to reassure them that it could never possibly happen to them. Regardless, when you'd like your comeback answer to be something really cool like and slightly understandable "Oh yeah, Joe Schmo who I was dating ditched me for Angelina Jolie. Bummer. But he did what he had to do." Instead though you're usually caught between a rock and a hard place on this question. Why? Because one, you either have absolutely no clue what in the world happened and you've been asking this same nonsensical question over and over again to yourself with no avail so how in the world could you answer it for someone else? Or two, the real answer is probably something that will lead to even more probing and nosy questions from even your most compassionate of friends. (I learned this one the hard way after telling people "Oh yeah, well I was cheated on for 4 years." That's like lobbing up a high ball to a .500 batter.)

Question #2: What are you going to do?

WTF? Yeah that's normally my response. People, especially men always want to know what your immediate plan of action is after any catastrophic event. Us women on the other hand, well we need some to process before we push through. Because if you ask me immediately afterwards I may give you an awkward, unexpected response like "Oh, I dunno maybe cry all night over a bowl of ice cream and then down a whole bottle of red wine and pray there's no puke on my sheets come morning." Let's avoid that one hmm shall we?

Question #3: What can I do?

Ok, so this one is a bit trickier. This is the point in the conversation where people are attempting to "be there" for you. Cut them some slack, I know, I know. But really the honest answer is "Nothing" or something insane like "Find me an NFL husband." Bottomline is, don't ask what you can do, just try and do cool things like bring them junk food, or get them drunk. Those are usually fail safes.

Either way, questions in crisis more or less border on redundancy after you talk to the first person. If you are like me, the smart-assery of the responses exponentially increase with each additional person asking the question. Therefore, if you're bottom on the friend chain and are one of the last to find out, then prepare for the wrath... I suppose this only further ensures that you'll never move up the friend ladder. Maybe I should rotate that more... nah.

Oh No, the Stars are Not Aligned, Sorry

I would like to believe in all things destiny in fate, but every once in awhile my logical brain as well as the ingrained Western values of free will slowly kick in and remind me that I have the ability to control my life and the path it follows. However, in times of uncertainty or when I feel like my life is wholly off-kilter, blaming things like cosmic forces and fatalistic destinies are much easier to absorb than thinking that I effed up my life, consciously. Now, as a curious follower, I do read my horoscope on a daily basis and I always find them so fascinating and utterly amusing. I will even admit when I’m with someone and I find out their birthday I google those crazy horoscope compatibility charts to see if our star signs align. Apparently Leos are good for me haha.

So as I read my daily horoscope and come across days where it tells me I will meet a mysterious stranger who sweeps me off my feet or I will follow my horrible Aries ways and come on too strong too early and kill the poor soul of a weak man, I couldn’t help but wonder what my love life would be like if I examined it as if it was pre-destined and horoscopes were my daily hints of what’s to come.

In sociology there is this great concept of self-fulfilling prophecies. Basically when someone tells you that you’re going to be a certain way enough, you begin to believe them. Case in point I tell myself how awesome I am and I totally believe it. So, therefore, if I convince myself that whatever my horoscope hints at is going to happen, it should happen right? That’s what the “Secret” is about right? Visualizing things coming into your life. It could work.

Maybe I should screw trying to control everything in my life and take some advice from the cosmos and think “no worries, someone else is taking care of it”. Some people may think that’s too constraining or that it extinguishes any sort of purpose to their lives if they know that someone else is in charge. However, to me knowing that someone or something else is taking care of it, well it’s kind of comforting. Because well, if I don’t find love, then I know it’s not me to blame, it was only just my purpose.

Fear and Loathing in New York

Given that I blog about relationships and the mentalities of men and women you’d think I would be way more cautious and understand what I do with a deeper more poignant perspective. Who am I kidding? Let’s admit this, I suck at dating, but I’m great at giving advice about it.

I have been in and out of the dating world for the last 3 years or so. But let’s be real honest, how many of those guys were really relationships material? Probably none, but that’s not really the point I suppose. The point really is the fact that I am so freakin’ clueless when it comes to that in between stage of being with someone or not being with someone. Like most of my life, things are lived in absolutes. Black and white. Loathe and love. So, for most of my life I have either known life as being single and ready to mingle or as a girlfriend. Rarely in my life have I had to deal with the dating purgatory that is well…dating. Odd how that works out.

One of my biggest character flaws, and one I’m not so sure I want to change is my passion. I’m deeply involved in things that I care for and deeply oppose things that are outside my realm of liking. This transcends many areas of my life especially dating. As many people around me know, understand and try to accept, is the fact that rarely if ever do I find a man that I find is worth my time and effort. I call it my sixth sense, or my gut instinct that allows me to guide my life in this manner. (However, this is currently up for debate as I will describe later). So, when life throws me subtle surprises, a nice wonderful man will come around and it will start playing in my mind as this “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, what do I do not to fuck this up?” mentality. To ensure this non-fuckedupness I do what I do extraordinarily well…analyze the hell out of everything. I’m still trying to figure out who I picked this trait up from… I’ll blame mom for the time being.

Anyways, so my mind starts going on overdrive. I start analyzing sentences, words, gestures, anything I possibly can. Now you may be wondering, 1) how does she have this much time to worry and 2) where is this worrying coming from? Or maybe you don’t care about either, but anyways I’m going to tell you. First off, lack of sleep leaves plenty of time to think and where does this worry come from? Well where else? Fear.

One thing I have come to realize throughout dating, both in my experiences and hearing other people’s thoughts is the simple fact that we let fear dictate so much of what we do and how we interact with people. If you really analyze a lot of what you do throughout any given day a majority of the steps you take are based on certain fears, subconscious or conscious. I mean why else do books like “Culture of Fear” exist. So, the question is then, how do you change your life from letting fear reside to letting in love and letting that rule your world?

That’s my dilemma. I have been so closed off from love or anything that resembles feelings of love that I look at it with trepidation and with fear that I am so desperately trying to remove from my life. The best advice I can give in this though is to follow the advice of one of my friends and “just shut the hell up.” I know he meant it in the most lovingly way, but women so many of us do this. We are perpetual word vomiters who say any and everything that is in our heads and more dangerously, in our hearts. I cannot even imaging how overwhelming that can be for a guy, well I guess I can imagine simply because it’s overwhelming enough inside of me that I throw it up over onto someone else! So, I’m up for playing the game… even though I hate games and think they are really emotionally taxing for no good reason, compromises are in order to let love creep back in.

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon...

Ok, I’m sure the moral of this story is not going to be the least bit surprising. Guys, I know you hear it all the time that women want intimacy, they want romance, the simple touches like candles and soft sheets. But my curiosity is what makes great sex for men? Is it those evenings where your lady gets a tad bit dirtier than normal? Or are you just like all of us woman and are too scared to admit that oh my, you enjoy connectable sex too! Please say that’s so. I think deep down you’d agree.

So, let me bring back some of my philosophical learnings from school. See mom, I did earn that degree, and I still remember stuff! Excellent investment. Anyways, one of my favorite Greek philosophical stories was that in Greece they believed that when human beings were first placed on this earth that at one point we were all conjoined to another person. (Imagine walking around with 4 legs and 4 arms, how cool). Anyways, the gods upstairs were none too happy with the infinite amounts of happiness this brought to us lowly humans, so they yanked us all apart and broke us into individuals. Hence, the rest of our life we were destined to roam the earth searching for our true soulmate, or former conjoined partner. Oh so romantic. I particularly love this story because it also accounts for same sex coupling, which is cool to hear that the rainbow flags were flying way back in ancient Grecian times. But I guess are we really surprised given the movie Spartacus?

Either way, I’d like to think of myself as somewhat of a romantic. Though, I’m sure most of my friends would squash that assumption and think I’m way too jaded to have that Charlotte from Sex and the City type of romantic optimism. Instead my Miranda-jadedness is probably more of an accurate identifier of my thoughts on love. As I have grown older you always begin to question the Cinderella fairytales that were thrown at you from an early age. “Oh no worries, your Prince Charming is just right around the corner!” Yeah right mom, next thing you’ll tell me is that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince. If that’s the case I’ll just roll like Sleeping Beauty and pass out until Mr. Handsome decides to get off HIS ass and find ME. Amen Disney, Amen.

But is there really just one person out there that fits you. That complements you, completes you and intrinsically is your yang to your yin. My jadedness says no, but my heart says “Yes, he’s there.” But logically, how can only one person be that match for you? I mean I’m practically a chameleon version of myself. I’m like the Madonna of dating. My “type” of guy morphs with my social environment and is always evolving based on my age, location, education, job, changing political values, morals, etc. So how could just ONE person match that same path and fit my mold of a man throughout each step of that journey? Seems damn near impossible to me.

So why this constant search for our “soulmate” or the person that fits you so well? I’ll admit I gave up that search long ago. But, it’s the search that I’m on now that’s the most difficult. Giving up the romanticism and searching for that life friend. Your life partner, your accompanist to your life’s song, your support. Biologically we’re all geared to look for certain qualities in one another, but emotionally, we are infinitely complex, but I think deep down all anyone wants is companionship. A person who walks that evolving chameleon life path with you and not only adapts to the environment, but helps push you to stick out from the crowd in all that camouflage. Because in this world, it’s guerilla warfare, and we all need a sharp shooter that has our back. So finding your life partner in essence boils down to biology. It’s easier to stand together than stand alone.

MTA Hikes? Try ILNYK Transit

I know I live in the land of public transportation where buses and trains are as frequent as seeing a Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks on the corner. Ninety percent of the people in the glorious New York metropolitan area rely on mass transit of some sort whether it’s buses, trains or even you high rollers that enjoy taxi service. However… given all of this transportation how did I end up being a local taxi service on dates?

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind picking up a guy every once in awhile. But seriously, I’m beginning to feel like I have never had that formal pick me up at the door with flowers and an open car door. Seriously. I don’t think I have ever had that happen. No joke, how sad is that? Did the simple idea of picking up a lady and opening a simple car door escape the manners of East Coast men? I’m beginning to seriously wonder.

Case and point. Or rather, multiple cases, same points. Most recent date I was asked to “pick up” someone at the train station. Ok, I understand driving from where he was is a task. But the rolling in 3 hours late for our date because you “missed” multiple trains and then once we got to the date you pointedly stated that you needed to leave in 40 minutes so you could catch the next train back. Sure no worries, Kassandra chauffeur service at your request. Would you like me to get your bag for you too sir? And yes, I will gladly accept tips and oh you owe me money for the tolls.

Second case. Was asked to go on a date with a guy in the city on a Saturday. Yes, buses run 24 hours near where I live, but the transportation isn’t exactly frequent. In fact, it’s once every hour or so. Therefore, traveling back yonder over the Hudson River is a monumental task at 2 or 3am. Well, kind gentleman offered to pay for my taxi back. Ok, fine, I’ll play that game. Oh wait, you spent all of your money getting drunk at the bar prior to me meeting you at the restaurant so you can’t afford a taxi for me to go home? Fantastic.

Final scenario, let’s waste gas together. Let’s BOTH drive to the same location and then have that awkward moment at the end of the evening where you’re like “Oh cool, here’s your car. Nice meeting you. Peace.”

Ok, I know I sound a bit spoiled in this, but my LORD how insanely difficult is it to drive to someone’s apartment and pick someone up for a date? Maybe I should start charging prices. That’s it. Put a nice taxi meter in my kickin’ 2004 Saturn Ion. Charge flat fees to and from the city and if you get to drink at the bar/restaurant and I don’t because I’m driving your ass around, well that’s a minimum $40 charge. Cash only too, because I don’t want to deal with your credit card being denied or check bounced either. And don’t even think of touching the radio homey, or even thinking about putting in your two cents about the music I’m playing. You lost your vote when you called on ILNYK Transit. This is not Driving Mr. Daisy. This is my recession proof scheme to put your lazy asses on blast.

All right, bring the hate. I know plenty of you guys will throw a fit out there and say “Damn that’s such a double standard!” Well you know what, call it affirmative action for dating fellas. I have dealt with your lazy ways long enough. And let me give you an economics lesson…

Say you pull one of these lazy transportation maneuvers, or if you have pulled one of these before, did you get that second date? My guess is HELL NO! Not one of these guys saw a second date from me, nor will they ever. In fact I hope they read this and are learning a lesson. So, basically you just went in the hole in terms of spending money on a date with absolutely no return on your investment. Economics 101 says that’s a shitty return of 0%.

Let’s say you are one of the few chivalrous men that STILL exist in this area and you do all those sweet things like pick her up, at her door. (Note I didn’t say sit in your car, call her or even better yet, text her that you’re outside and then have her get into the car… that’s just as bad). Men. Men. Men. If you take away anything from this post (that is if you’re still reading… I’m sure some of you are too pissed by now), understand that women really do pick up on the LITTLE things. I mean haven’t you noticed how many times we nag you for dumb, stupid, minute things? Why would we not pick up on those little itty bit gestures like opening a car door, or saying how beautiful we look the moment you see us walking towards you? Those things will get you the second, the third, the fourth, etc dates. As well as probably a decent *ahem* return on your investment. Economics 101, this is your stimulus package fellas. So put in the effort and stop expecting us women to bail you out because you’re too lazy to put out a teensy bit of good manners. Ok, haters commence.

Can't Touch This!

So, apparently with Lent going on I unintentionally gave up my idea of a sexual life. Ok, who are we kidding, any resemblance of a sex life went away waaay before Lent started. With work, stressing about multiple life issues and just trying to maintain, I apparently neglected the fact that it’s been awhile since I’ve been with someone. I think I had been in some sort of selective denial about my lack of fun and have mentally blocked it out. Sort of life how accident victims block out traumatic events. Ok, maybe not that extreme, but it kind of feels reminiscent.

Anyways, I was doing my daily commute into the city on Friday and I value the “me” time that my bus rides afford me in the morning. It’s a brief moment before I walk into my job where I am able to sit, read, listen to music and simply just enjoy my time. Therefore, I usually try to avoid people if at all possible on the bus. However, given the bus route I take, it’s nearly impossible since buses are usually crammed full of people. So, I managed to wrangle a seat in the very last row of the bus near the window. Perfect spot. I pull out my book, listen to my Q-tip and I’m in the zone. I notice the bus starting to fill up and suddenly realize that I’ve lost my “me” space and someone has sat next to me. But then something slightly magical happens. I’m sitting there and suddenly I feel a slight pressure on my left side. Now, before you start thinking all kinds of weird things, let me explain something about men and women sitting on the bus. Women, we tend to cram all of ourselves and our million bags into our tiny two foot space on the bus, whereas men, they sit in a seat and spread themselves out until kingdom come. Therefore, as I’m pushed up against my window, the body of a man is leaned up against my leg. Under normal circumstances this annoys and irritates the hell out of me. But this time I felt this odd sensation, sort of like a long exasperated “Ahhhhhh, FINALLY!” from my body. As I sat there for the remainder of the ride I thought…”Well, that’s the most action I’ve seen in a long time.”

The point of this story is not the fact that I sound ridiculous sad and desperate, but really the idea of touch. In any given day we touch and interact with people hundreds of times a day without ever realizing it. Gentle grazes when two people reach for something at once, the bumping into one another on the subway, or the really intimate touches like giving your loved one a kiss in the morning that we tend to take for granted.

What I realized in that moment on the bus was not simply my realization of not getting any, but the even more devastating fact that it’s been awhile since I’ve felt the sensation of touch. When I think about it, 99% of my days go without hugs, kisses, embraces, and simple touches of comfort. Being open to real touch seems so much more difficult to me these days. To be fully open and willing to have someone hold me, cherish me and brush my hair to the side, that’s the touch that I desperately want but am so terrified to feel. I fear simply because it opens up a whole new vulnerability that has been closed for years. Deep.

So, nothing super witty there, but it’s still that whole concept that touch is so taken for granted these days where people are clamoring for personal space, particularly in a city like Manhattan where space is coveted and difficult to find. Maybe that’s why people think New Yorkers are so cold and distant. To New Yorkers, the distance and coldness simply arises out of the fact that we’ve developed outershells and walls around us to protect our seemingly tiny amount of space that exists around us. Therefore, when you are bumped into, anger arises more often than not. By protecting that space we are selfishly claiming a piece for our own, but at the same time the imaginary walls being built are pushing distance between everyone you encounter. So, maybe touch should not be something taken for granted. If you are fortunate few who have the opportunity to encounter touch with someone you love, cherish it. Embrace the tingles, the odd sensations, the fast pulse and the inner feeling of excitement. Don’t bury it, or desensitize it, but be present with that feeling and ride it out…even if it’s only on a bus ride to New York City.

Globalization Did It

So, another thing to blame for being single: Globalization. We all know how I love to displace blame on strange things, so why not a global phenomenon like Globalization? Ok, my reasoning. This should be fun and educational for all, so brace yourself.

The talk this week on everyone’s mind is the whole “Bachelor” debacle that occurred this week. Now, I will admit that I just didn’t care to watch this season. In fact, most seasons I haphazardly watch, but as I was flipping through channels realizing that nothing else was on, I decided to sink in and watch the show. (Ok, I’ll admit the crazy dramatic commercial teasers drew me in…I’m a sucker for good build up). For those of you not familiar with what happened, Jason, the single parent of a now socially paralyzed child (after this incident…therapy will be needed, guaranteed) is on a quest to find his one true love. So he dates all these twenty something girls just fawning for him and the TV cameras. He selects Melissa, the fan favorite Southern sweetheart over Molly the tomboy-ish Michiganian with ridiculously green eyes. Mr. Jason proposes to said Melissa, and then 6 weeks later on the ultra dramatic “After the Final Rose” ceremony he dumps her on national TV and then proceeds to beg for Molly back. As I sat there disgusted with the whole “men think things are always greener on the other side” phenomenon occurring before my very eyes, I sat there and started to think of lessons from my Nigerian professor in college in my Globalization class…

Basically I started examining the theory that through globalization that our world is becoming infinitely smaller and smaller in size and scope. People who used to be unreachable except by camels, horseback, donkeys and other sturdy farm friends are now instantly connected to us via technology. Not to mention the fact that our lovely American way of life is known nationwide. I mean McDonald’s and KFC is everywhere right? Oh and Lee Jeans. Can’t forget those. So this made me think of how things are now to the point where time zones, distance and cultural differences are no longer excuses for not broadening your dating circle. Obviously long distance relationships across states, even countries occur every day with the help of the Internet, email, Iphones, Blackberries and webcams.

Unfortunately, I think this subconscious knowledge that time, distance, nor culture can stand in our ways anymore, this has inevitably made us a culture of window shoppers. Trust me, I’m always looking around the next corner for something newer, better, more improved. Of course everyone always has that feeling now and again when they are with someone of “Is there something better out there?” Answer is, maybe, maybe not. But, thinking about my parents I realize that dating someone from a different state, or even a different county wasn’t much of an option, so your dating pool was limited at best. Therefore, these limitations basically mean less picky people. Because look at the competition in my hometown of Defiance, Ohio, let’s be honest. In my parents day you were thankful you found someone that wasn’t related. Sorry, bad small town joke. Either way I think you get my point.

I think in particular that is a big problem with us New Yorkers/Tri-Staters. We live in a densely populated area, filled with people from every nook and cranny around the world. It’s rare that you can come to New York and not find a community that caters to every ethnicity, interest group, or sexual group. New York really is a decent microcosm of the world, in fact the subway still amazes me how I never see more than handful of the same type of people. I love it. The diversity here is what drew me to the city. At the same time I think this innate diversity deters me from finding something permanent.

As an adventurous spirit and someone who appreciates many walks of life, I find myself constantly fascinated by people. It’s like I can’t get enough of it. Therefore, there’s always that craning of my neck looking around and searching for the next person to walk into my life. Damn you globalization and your interconnectedness. It really is that culture shock of looking around and thinking “My God…how do you even begin to choose when there are so many choices??” To me, it’s the equivalent of walking into a DSW and only walking out with one pair of shoes. It’s damn near impossible. Too many choices equals too many opportunities which means too much looking for greener pastures. I mean because who honestly wants to be stuck with last Fall’s boots? Unless…

Say that pair of boots is a timeless pair of Prada’s or Gucci’s or whatever label you love and adore but find so unbearably affordable that you save up penny by penny until finally, one day you walk proudly up to the counter and say “I want THESE!” Maybe love is like that too. Patience is a virtue they say…I still have yet to develop any though. So maybe like those fabulous shoes, you save up your love bit by bit so you can walk up to someone one day in the future and smile and say “I want YOU!” Ahh…the magic of metaphors. All makes sense in the world now.

Stalking Made Easy...Thanks Facebook!

I realize that as a competitive person I tend to view a lot of things in my life as a competition in which there is a distinct line of winners and losers. Maybe it’s the inner tomboy in me, or the ridiculous Type A personality I managed to pull out my parents, but for some reason I get pretty emotionally involved when competition exists. I’m fairly stubborn like that, so I tend to enjoy the whole my way or the highway viewpoint on a lot of things. God forbid you ever disagree with me right? I think I’ve been better about this over the years, but there’s always that direct satiation that occurs whenever my competitive spirit reigns supreme in situations.

Since I’m on a big of a stint writing about breakups (since apparently writing about my awful dating experiences are not that interesting anymore..LIE! It’s always interesting…I just needed a change of pace to keep it fresh), I’ll follow this competitive line to breakups. Everyone knows that breakups are hard, painful and overall ridiculously unbearable if you really cared for the person. But what hurts the most is when all of a sudden you start to feel like you’re semi-over everything and you’re being a complete logical adult once again and can functionally survive around other human beings when all of a sudden you hear the dreaded rumor circulating that guess what? Your ex has a new love.

Back in the day you usually could politely avoid such news by moving to a different county, going to a new college, finding a new job, etc. But with the fabulous technologies of Facebook and Myspace everyone knows your business even before you know your business. Before you have time to marinate on that information, Insensitive Friend #1 from college sends you a wall post of “Hey, remember that guy that broke your heart and tore it into pieces? Well he found someone to love you before you found someone! How crazy is that?” Nothing like being outpaced on your social life by technology. That’s why I hate the whole naming your significant other in your Facebook profile. It’s like welcoming ex’s to stalk your new beginnings. I remember when my ex and I broke up and thinking that the hardest thing to do about the breakup was “Cancelling” our relationship status on Facebook. Cause that’s when all of the half assed sympathetic messages come through from people you haven’t spoken to since you got drunk with them at the last college frat party you went to back in 2004. And let’s be honest…most of these people don’t care to express their sympathies, they just want to know the gossip behind what happened. (True friends would pick up the phone and make sure you aren’t living on saltines and burritos and watching bridal shows over and over again). Gossipy friends will say “OMG! What happened?? I’m so so sorry!” and then they filter your private info to old classmates faster than news that Kim Kardashian has a new sex tape.

And, much like most breakups in today’s modern social networking world you subconsciously have developed this stalker instinct. Notice how neither one of you was brave enough to completely delete the other person’s profile. If one of you did, thank your lucky stars. But more often than not you cancel your relationship yet keep them as your friend simply to keep tabs on what they’re doing. So you sit there obsessively checking their status to see if they left some sort of passive aggressive message about you and your breakup, or if they’re in as much misery as you are, or if they’ve moved on to someone new…

Myspace is definitely trickier in that they did not stoop as low as Facebook did in terms of broadcasting your relationship status for the world to see. Instead of physically naming the person in the relationship, Myspace just asks if you’re in a relationship or not. However…Myspace plays a dirty popularity game called your Top 8, 16, 24 whatever multiple of 8 you can figure. So therein lies the mystery. Why is he/she on your top 8? Who’s that new mystery girl/guy? It’s more of a blurred line, which inevitably probably makes you crazier than the definitive Facebook application simply because of the unknowns.

Damn social networking technology. It’s like your entire life is out there for anyone to dissect and examine. But, that’s the move of our generation. I think so many are quick to pour their souls on their status message or *ahem* on a blog because we have just forgotten how to express those feelings face to face with someone. Therefore, instead of directly speaking out our problems, we suppress them through technologies that artificially talk back to us in hopes that it will relieve us of our problems, when in reality is only enhances them.

You’d think we would learn something from movie stars and famous folks who try to keep their personal lives separate from the public eye…but nooooo all of us have inner rockstars in us and we want everyone to fawn over our every move so we blast it all over every social technology we can get our hand on in hopes that someone will empathize our painful woes. It’s a sad voyeuristic world.

It’s utterly depressing to think of explaining technologies like Facebook and Myspace to my future children. I hope they’ll be abolished by then simply because I think it socially stunts every single teenager in this country. Before we know it no one will be speaking face to face but only through technology. Oh, I sound so George Orwellian now. Forgive me, but it’s time to update my Facebook status and change my mood on Myspace…POKE!

Replacing Voids with the Presence of Many

So, this blog may get deeper than some of the other comical, witty and downright amazing blogposts I normally do. Apparently my blog has placed me in a position where people consult me on relationship advice and consider me some sort of beacon of dating hope. Oh boy...

Either way, I was speaking with someone this evening about the pains of breaking off long term relationships, and for some reason I've been feeling quite Zen about a lot of things in my life. Maybe it's this book I just read or maybe it's the pain meds and muscle relaxers on. Regardless, the epiphany of understanding is somehow manifested in my life.

Anyways, this particular person's experience seemed so eerily familiar to my own dramatic breakup that I couldn't help but preemptively offer to help this person. The place they are in at this point brought me to an odd self reflection about my past two years post-ex. And yes, I know my ex reads this blog so I hope he's taking a vacation from reading this, because the intent is not to make him feel bad, but to help another person understand the mistakes I did during that time and hopefully resurrect their own life sooner than I learned to reestablish mine.

Obviously breakups are difficult and life altering experiences in people's lives. Some people are stronger than others in these situations and everyone deals with it in their own way. Much like people mourn death in their own unique fashion, I've learned that people deal with breakups in very different ways as well. Some deal with breakups by surrounding themselves with friends and family and other loving people in their life. Some find God or another spiritual connection to see them through. Others find solace in altering their mind state through drugs or alcohol. While others may seek comfort in eating, or the opposite and seek balance in working out. Sometimes though people (like myself), trying to find comfort in people they don't know.

Let me rephrase that. Because it's not exactly comfort you are seeking, but rather distraction and displacement. Sometimes when you break up with someone there is so much residual pain that you just are not sure how to deal with it. It's like pain keeps emanating from everything, whether it's from hearing a song lyric or smelling a familiar scent, it always hits you like a ton of bricks and you're constantly reminding of the gaping pain that exists within your body. So, as they say misery loves company. So, instead of dealing with the pain, the best solution you find is to make someone else feel pain, and oftentimes that pain comes in the form of relationships with other people, simply because you were hurt in a relationship with someone.

So...you meet someone. Preferably someone as vulnerable as you. You speak, you meet, and you become physical. Then you leave. Without little thought, without any remorse. It's an addiction of attention a cycle of dysfunctional love from someone you have no intention of loving. Because there is no loving in this...but only a transfer of pain from your heart to another's. Except the raw deal in this is the fact that once that pain moves to someone else, that pain usually bounces right back with twice the force until you find another person to displace it to. Thus the perpetuation of the cycle.

I used to say I was picky. I used to say I was hard to please and that my expectations were too high and that's why I couldn't find anyone to date. Really? Is anyone still buying that? Because I stopped buying that BS a few months ago, even though I keep feeding it to people. Truth is, I'm still dealing with the pain.

But it's been 2 years right? I mean I should be over and done correct? Well about 99% of those two years were still accompanied with conversations with my ex and the whole back and forth of feelings. Finally, I can safely say that I am at a place where things are in a good place with him and I. We both recognize that we care for one another immensely, and I think we've both become adult enough to realize that all we really want is for one another to be happy. And if that means it's with someone else, then so be it. But getting to that place was no simple feat.

What do you do when someone over the course of time suddenly became your everything? They were your shoulder to lean on, your best friend, your lover, your confidante, your pick me up, your everything. My best friend Gina said it the best when she broke up with her boyfriend. She said, "Kassandra the hardest part of dealing with a breakup is trying to find people to replace the voids with. So you break up one person's duties among multiple people, and therefore you end up becoming dependent on multiple people rather than one." So you begin finding people that do that for you. For instance, I have a friend who is my party buddy, another who is my intellectual buddy, someone who I talk sports with, another who I speak with about relationships. However, I categorized all of these people into specific duties and roles.

So, then the problem becomes how can you let someone be your everything again when you've already sliced and diced those responsibilities out? Therefore, instead of finding love and finding someone to enjoy all your ups and downs, lefts and rights, you begin seeking comfort through multiple people.

To this day, one of my favorite CDs I listened to during my breakup was India.Arie's Testimony: Vol 1, Life and Relationships. Somehow she spoke directly to me by starting with the breakup and working through each song of rebuilding herself to finally accepting and understanding a healing relationship with her ex boyfriend.

Life really is an evolution of sorts. And I don't think anyone can ever really walk on a timeline of when and where there will be gains and losses. One thing I'm learning though is to be forever present. For the longest time I kept looking at my life as a puzzle that was supposed to magically fit together. I was supposed to have this job, this apartment, this boyfriend, this life. And look where I am now. Go figure.

But...as I stand right now I know I distance people but yet keep them close enough so that they won't stray too far away from my life at any given time. Some of the smarter ones have caught onto this and have said to hell with me and walked away. Others knew me well before I became this way so they understand it's just part of what I'm experiencing while others have no idea yet. I know I push people away and don't let them get close enough simply because I'm not ready to be loved again. I'm scared, I'm terrified and utterly frightened to let someone be my everything again. Because I know the damage it's brought to my life for these last few years, and as strong as I am, I fear. So instead of loving, I idly pass the time by having meaningless relationships with people that walk through my life in hopes that one of them will inspire and awaken a part of my heart that's been dead and numb for so long.

Slowly I'm learning to realize that the awakening will not occur because someone else is going to punch me in the heart and say "wake the hell up" but rather its going to and it has to be me that says, "Ok, let's start over. Let's be brave and trust ourselves again." Because that's really the cause of the problem. Instead of not trusting other people, you've lost trust in the only person you should trust, yourself. So, much like it takes time and effort to rebuilt trust with another person, it really takes time and love to re-trust yourself again. Let's learn to love ourselves. Scars and wars and all the in betweens. Everything we do in life is to further ourselves as human beings. As much as I'd love to have it all figured out by the time I'm 27, that's not going to happen. So for now, I'm going to fake it til I make it.

I know I'm on a journey of healing...and I'm almost there. And I thank all of the people that have watched with steady hearts and loving eyes at this transformation within me. I know I will be ok, because I'm me and that's all I need.

Unlock the Code to V Day Bliss

Well Valentine’s Day is coming up so you think I’d have a ton of material to work with, but I’ll admit I’m experiencing a bit of a mental block in terms of writing lately. It could be the vicodin I’m on for my back pain that suddenly came on, but I would like to think that would make my works more interesting…so we shall see.

So, I find it very interesting this year that the day before Valentine’s Day is Friday the 13th. Ominous? Maybe. Either way, as an adult I’ve learned to accept the fact that Valentine’s Day is just not a holiday meant for me. Does everyone have that? It seems like there are certain holidays that occur throughout the year that go horribly wrong, regardless of the stage of your life at that given point in time. For me, New Year’s Eve/Day and Valentine’s Day are like my karmic holidays of retribution. It’s like God sits upstairs and says, “Oh shoot! February 14th is coming up, let’s make sure I mess with Kassandra SUPER good this year!” Maybe that’s just me. Either way, I feel like I did something awful in a previous life on one of those days so I’m paying for it now by having super duper crappy experiences on Valentine’s Day.

But what I find interesting is the fact that all of my guy friends come calling away asking me for loads of advice on how to set up a romantic and amazing Valentine’s Day for their loved one. I always find this humorous in the aspect that 1) I apparently suck with V day and 2) You really are going to ask the perpetually single girl advice on a couples reserved day? And I’m the one on vicodin??

So, here we are, a few days away from Valentine’s Day and I notice men scrambling left and right in and out of women’s stores, flower shops, candy shops and anywhere else they can pick up last minute gifts for their beloved. Therefore, I will impart what bare bottom romantic knowledge I can bestow upon those men who lack the “gifting gene”.

The gifting gene is a particular genetic aptitude for picking out gifts for someone, regardless of the holiday. Some of us, like me, are totally blessed on this front, and others….well, I’m here to help. I have yet to find a male that has captured the essence of the gifting gene, so I pray that he is out there somewhere and is giving advice to hapless men in their times of gifting turmoil. Men, I know the media permeates your life more than you think, so you are suckered into ideas that pleasing a woman on Valentine’s Day means sending her a giant bouquet of flowers or a large box of Godiva chocolates, or even for you fellas that are ballin’ beyond your means, you pick up a giant diamond something or the other. Well, while those gifts are fine and dandy, guess what? They’re not original. Look to your left on the subway, I guarantee you that dude bought his lady the same damn thing. If not, look to your right, cause he certainly did. Feel a little dumb now? It’s not entirely your fault sweetie…like most things let’s blame “media” and “society”. Typically they are to blame for any poor decisions we make in life. It’s ok, displacement of blame is the American thing to do.

The key to gift giving is quite simple. Well, simple in saying, but more complex in understanding. The key is “listening”. I know you’ve heard this one before fellas. But trust me, if you listen, and I mean truly listen to your woman you’re with, you will unlock infinite doors of knowledge. Men think women are infinitely more complex than what we truly are. But men, women are quite simple in nature…you just need to understand the code we speak in. Simple right? As women, we learned from generations of females before us on the art of “hint dropping”. Throughout every conversation probably since after Christmas, your significant lady in your life has probably been dropping hints about what she would like/do on Valentine’s Day. The question is, were you paying attention? Probably not. I’m sure there were nights when you two were talking and a conversation went a little something like this.

Boy: “Man, I’m exhausted.”
Girl: “Oh, me too. I can’t believe how long winter gets around here. My muscles always get so tense from the weather and walking to work, and working out. I really wish I could spend a day pampering myself, but I just don’t have the time.”
Boy: “Yeah, we all wish that. What’s on TV tonight?”

Ok, pop quiz. Now, it probably seems obvious now that it’s written out like that, but gentlemen, what would this lady absolutely LOVE for Valentine’s Day? A new sexy piece of lingerie? No, probably not. A giant box of chocolates? No. The girl works out for God’s sake, you really thinks she wants you sabotaging her workouts with chocolates?! How about…a massage. BINGO! See, you are a genius. Those hints are everywhere around you. And yes women consciously lay them out there hoping you’ll pick up on them.

So the question you may be asking is “Well Kassandra, when I asked her what she wanted for Valentine’s Day she never mentioned anything. Or she just said ‘surprise me!’ How do I make sense of that?” Well questioner, as women we don’t want to seem too demanding, so we leave subtle hints. The other reason is the fact that deep down we are looking for a man that understands our semi-unspoken needs. A man that realizes when his woman is stressed and surprises her with a massage is a keeper. So secretly she’s praying that he is living inside your subconscious, and that she just needs to evoke the spirit alive.

Ladies…please be aware of what you’re doing and throw a bone to your man every once in awhile. I know we all hope for the man that secretly knows how to figure us out, but more often than not no man will ever understand the elaborate code that you have built over the many years of your existence. Hell, you barely know the code and you invented it. So cut the guy some slack and be a little bit more direct. So, the next holiday/birthday/special occasion, just yell out “Hey I want ____” Maybe instead of being frustrated, you’ll actually end up getting what you asked for…so be careful what you wish for ladies.

Lies My Mother Told Me

Ever since we were little girls, our mothers have always fed us dating advice. Some of it was in hopes that we would not make the same mistakes they did, others were put out there simply to deter us from making decisions they would rather we didn’t make. Either way, as an adult and being in the dating world for as long as I have, I have realized that ladies, your mothers lied to you. Now they may have knowingly lied, which makes it worse. Or they may have just been unknowing participants in a long chain of mothers lying to their daughters that have just transcended time. However, I feel the need to debunk a few of these myths, so I will address and nullify some of my very favorites.

Myth #1: “If a boy is mean to you, that means he likes you.”

Ok mom. I believed you there for a bit. All those boys on the playground in grade school calling me frizzy hair, or made jokes about whatever awkward adolescent stage you were going through at the time were really trying to suppress their deep and undying affection for me? Yeah I must have been gullible. I believe this is a mother’s protective nature to tell you this lie. The last thing she wants is to see spilled tears over the incessant meanness of little boys, so she throws in this little lie much like you used to tell your friends it was “Opposite Day” when you made a huge glaring mistake on something like your choice of outfit. (“Oh, you don’t like my 3 colored leg warmers and stretch pants with the NKOTB t-shirt? Well that’s cause it’s OPPOSITE DAY! Haha! Got you guys GOOD!”)

However small this lie may have been, unfortunately mothers, this lie transcends us women into adulthood. Like women do though, we make it infinitely more complex than needed. So, while good guy after good guy keeps stumbling on by us many women sit here and are subconsciously processing our mother’s adage and think “Oh, I want me a bad boy. Because when a boy is bad, and treats me like dirt that means he’s really into me.” See what the catastrophic ramifications are Mom? Geez.

So mom, you should have just said “Boys are mean to you because they are too dumb and infantile to converse regularly, so suck it up and kick them in the shins.”

Myth #2: “There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

Really? Awesome! This lie is always a fun one because it’s one of those hidden make you feel good and feel bad at the same time lies. In one perspective hearing this is supposed to give you that comfy feeling after your broke up with your significant other, or if you have been single for eons. But once you really look at it, you begin to realize, wow, if there are so many fish in the sea, how will I ever be content with who I’m with? It’s the whole “grass is greener on the other side” mentality that will constantly force you to look in every nook and cranny before realizing “Wait…I had a good one there didn’t I? Damn. He just got engaged to someone else. Oh woe is me, there are plenty of fish in the sea!”

So mom, you should have said “Darling, I know things did not work out with Johnny Badboyfriend, but many men will walk in and out of your life. Some are good, some are bad. But make sure you relish the ones that respect, cherish and love you to the best of their ability, and don’t look forward when the present is right in front of you.”

Myth #3: “Men are intimidated by powerful women.”

Archaic, I agree. However, many bold, beautiful and amazingly intelligent women are told this every day. Some women are bad asses in the board room but go out and become these demure creatures. I’ll admit I tone down the bitchiness from work to relationships. But…if you are truly a friend, you know the bitchiness is always there. If you are a powerful woman, that is so sexy to men. And if those men are not attracted to sexy, smart and powerful women, then fine, they weren’t meant for you. Relationships are a yin and yang, so there’s always give and take, but if you are a Type A personality, don’t compromise and become a Type B personality at home. Those shifts in personality will really help you lose focus of who you are as a woman inside and out.

So mom, you should have said “Do not compromise who you are to please another person. As long as you are happy with who you are, you have no other person to please.”

Myth #4: “Don’t talk about religion or politics on a first date.”

Why the hell not? The conversation is going to come up sooner or later right? So get it out of the way. People have such strong moral obligations to politics and religion that they inevitably shape their lives. People claim they aren’t defined by these things, but in essence it does shape your worldviews and how you approach people and situations. Ask away, God forbid you learn something about a person other than their job and where they live.

Myth #5: “Don’t ever kiss on a first date.”

Oh yes, repression at its finest. If you had a fabulous date with someone why wouldn’t you want to test the waters with a kiss? Kisses to me are the best way to gauge the initial chemistry with someone. To me, people who set up timelines and dating goals throughout their lifetime have no real concept of living in the moment. (You know what I’m talking about. The girl who says, only kiss after the 3rd date, no sex until dating for approximately 3 full months, don’t get married until you’ve been engaged for at least a year…etc).

So mom, you should have said “Sweetie, don’t ever set guidelines for falling in love. Once you put timeframes on feelings they become boxed in, rather than free flowing and all encompassing. So, if you feel something, go with it. No regrets. Just don’t kiss EVERY boy you meet just to try it out. Make sure they deserve the kiss in the first place.”

Myth #6: “Don’t offer to pay on a first date.”

All right men, I have your back on this one. From an early age or mommy dearest has told us that “proper” women do not pay and mainly this reason is the fact that we are told that men would “feel bad” if a woman paid. Some men, actually most men will probably have that complex, and blame that on their fathers telling them they have to “provide” for their woman. So, now we’re at the middle of dealing with two goofy parenting messages. So let’s look at what the lie. The lie says “don’t offer”. So, offer. It shows that you are not there just for a free meal and that you acknowledge the monetary loss of forking over money for a date. Dating gets expensive, especially in this economy. So, going halfsies is not always a bad thing. Over time, most couple don’t even keep track of who pays for what anymore.

So mom, you should have said “Always at least offer to pay for your share. Don’t feel that any man should take care of everything for you or that a man needs to pay a monetary contribution to enjoy your company. That’s what hookers are for. You’re not a hooker are you?”

Myth #7: “Men are afraid to commit.”

Not necessarily true. This is another lie your mom tells you when you’ve dealt with a boyfriend who’s had a bit of a wandering eye. Men are not afraid to commit to the right woman. So, sorry, you probably just weren’t the right woman. Men do enjoy, just as much as women do, their single freedom. But ladies, men are way less complex on a lot of fronts including this one. If you are the person they want to be with, they will be with you. If not, move on to another man who wants to devote his time and cherish you.

So mom, you should have said “Good men for you are not afraid to commit to you. However, know that commitment is not something to take lightly, nor it is something you always need to be a part of. It’s ok to casually date and it’s ok to have a relationship with someone that is not defined. Simply enjoy the company of another and let definitions roll in on their own time.”

Myth #8: “Don’t worry, you can change him.”

Rare, very rare. Most people are who they are. Some are good at being conniving or misleading, but in the end, all they are is a conniver and misleader, which is not something you want. So, take people at face value. If someone is a jerk to you, or treats you disrespectfully, don’t ask them to change. Change comes from within and only occurs if someone truly wants to change. Men are not like a new pair of shoes that you can toss on and off as you please, so don’t expect the same interchangeability. Women enjoy holding onto the notion that if they were a good enough woman they could change any man. That all that man needs is a woman to set them straight. Nope, get that out of your head now, please.

So mom, you should have said, “Don’t change anyone. Just learn from that person and understand that the problem was not yours to fix. Fixing people without their permission is like baking a cake without knowing the ingredients. So stick with what they give you and either work with it, or move on.”

Myth #9: “Love conquers all.”

Love does many things in life, but love never bypasses everything. It can’t, simply because love is way more encompassing that a single entity. Love is different things to different people based on morals, spirituality, family, entertainment, whatever thing may sway you. Everyone likes to hold onto an ideal that love will get you through anything. But, love is work, love is a challenge and love is not always pretty.

So mom, you should have said, “Love is powerful, but don’t let it be your everything. Because if you do, you will become lost in a sense of longing for an emotion that you may or may not feel for someone. Enjoy that love is everywhere around you, but don’t expect it to fight your battles.”

Myth #10: “Opposites attract.”

I believe this one to a point. I think there does need to be some sort of polarity in any relationship, otherwise conversations would go like this

Joe: “Oh darling, the new democratic stimulus plan is absolutely perfect.”
Jane: “I agree.”

Boring right? Every other statement is, I agree. Definitely not my image of a thought provoking relationship. I once had a friend say to me “Oh things are great, we never fight!” This scared me, simply because without a little healthy banter here and there, you become monotonous and hum drum. Not to mention, the day that you DO discover something to fight about, and trust me, they will, it will not be pretty.

However, being opposites is not always cohesive to a lasting relationship. If you are constantly fighting with someone, no joy will ever be found and it will make for a very tumultuous relationship in the end. So don’t look for your opposite, look for your complement.

So mom, you should have said, “Look for the person that has qualities you lack but shares pieces of commonalities. Together, the joining of your personalities will complement and enhance your lives to new levels.”

So, How Did you Two Meet?

As you know I am an admitted online dater. I’ve dated online since I was the tender age of 14, and have been doing it consistently since, except for the few breaks for relationships in between. As an adult I always ask my friends “Where do I meet men now besides online?” I ask them this question simply because I still feel that there is some sort of weird dork-ish association when you tell someone “Oh we met online.” It seems too bland, so dull, so unoriginal. I mean think about it. As a child you probably asked your parents at one point in their parental lives, “Mom and dad, how did you two meet?” More often than not your parents will have some sappy sweet story like my parents who were actually set up by their mothers (My mom’s mother was my dad’s mom’s Avon lady…make sense?) And how they were high school sweethearts, but went to separate schools and they lived happily ever after.

With my generation, I’m not looking forward to that awkward conversation you have with your children later in life when this inevitable question comes up. I mean think about it. Flash forward 15-20 years from now and little Kassandra Jr. walks up and says “Mommy, mommy! You and Daddy are so in love! How did you two meet so I know how to meet my future husband?” By this point I hope that said husband and I have contrived some nice intricately woven story about how we were both randomly traveling overseas and we spotted each other across the ruins at Pompeii and we instantly fell in love and spent the next 3 months backpacking our way across the continent. But, knowing me, I will have forgotten to go over this grand scheme with my future husband and then I will be caught in a fibbing situation with my future child. Not good parenting.

But have you noticed how boring and awkward some of the “how we met” stories are these days? So what do you tell your children? “Oh little Kassandra Jr., there was this one weekend where I decided to go to a sweaty, overpriced Manhattan club and about four Redbull and Vodkas in, this guy just started grinding up on my ass. It was love at first dry hump!”

To me though, that story is not as awkward as saying “Oh, little Kassandra Jr., there was this crazy invention called the Internet. And they built these websites where people could put up profiles about themselves and your daddy just totally dug what I wrote and loved my sexy pictures I posted, so we emailed, chatted and then we met in person. We both claimed that we were ‘too busy’ to meet people anywhere else but online. In reality though we were just too lazy and scared of rejection so we met online.” Sigh. How utterly depressing. I can just see my future daughter’s expression drop and any sort of idealistic notions she had of my utter awesomeness just cave and crash before my very eyes. Next thing I know she’s looking up to a Britney Spears or Hannah Montana character and I’ve lost her forever.

So…question is, where in the world do you meet people outside of online at my age? (I say, “my age” like I’m old and out of touch don’t I?) It seems like for your entire life you always have a built in comfort zone of meeting people. Up until about age 4 or 5 your parents took care of it. They took you on playdates or forced you to interact with the odd hodgepodge collection of neighborhood kiddies. Then school came and everyone found their niche of friends there. Next, college, which even if you went out of state or to a school where no one you knew went to, it was not hard to meet and make new friends there. Now as an adult there’s well…work? Now I don’t know about you, but I’m assuming that most companies, despite the romantic shenanigans on The Office or even in the halls of Seattle Grace Hospital, frown upon inter office love fests.

So for all the late twenty somethings, we are forced into bars, dirty clubs, and online encounters. Or if we have super duper friends that try pitying us, we may enter the dreaded world of blind dates…which by the way, don’t EVER agree to. But there has to be something else right? I mean I do live near Manhattan. If people have managed to create transportation systems underground and survive the smell, then surely a secret singles mixing ground must exist right?

Please. If anyone knows where this underground lair of intelligent, witty, sexy single men are who are all dying for committed relationships, share with the group. I have surmised a few guesses based simply on Googling. Some of the common answers are grocery stores, coffee shops, co-ed clothing stores, Central Park all that good stuff. I mean I cannot just keep waiting and hope that these men will just get disgusted like I did and move to the online world can I? Maybe. But secretly I think every woman is hoping that one day she will be walking down the street, catch the eye of some ridiculously charming man and wham! She’s in love. I’m not a betting woman, but I’d venture that stuff never happens, except in really predictable Hollywood movies.

However, maybe the problem is that I just haven’t been open to meeting people outside of the online. Of course I pay attention when I pass by a cute guy on the street, but in NYC, staring a little too long may get you in trouble. So watch out supermarkets, coffee shops and parks! Kassandra is on a man hunt.

Ignoring the Inner Bro Voice and Dialing that Number

One of the age old questions in the dating world is “How long should I wait before I call her?” And yes, I am using the word “her” because if a guy gives a girl a number we don’t blame this stupid game of “waiting it out” or having the desperation grace period expire. So yes men, this silly question applies to you alone.

All right, so you went to the club, you did all the right moves (for reference, please see “Oh Snap! That was your Best Move?” blog below) and you managed to muster up the drunk courage to ask this girl for her number at the end of the evening and oh surprise! She gave it to you! Now secretly most of you guys are running through your head at that moment torn with the emotion of thinking “I’m such a stud, I got her number” coupled with the nagging (probably true) thought of “Is her number real?” So, after your evening of sexually frustrated innuendo filled dancing at your favorite sweaty dance spot, you go home, fall into blissful sleep dreaming of your future lady…

BZZZZZ!! Alarm clock. Morning comes and as you sort through the haziness of last night you start scrolling through your phone and realize shazam! There’s a new number in there with a female’s name attached to it! Sitting there, you think about the amazing time you had with her, and your gut instinct is to call her right away and tell her what a great time you had and ask to schedule a date in the immediate future. But then, what I like to call the “Bro Voice” barges in. I call this voice the “Bro Voice” because that’s what it sounds like. It sounds like a misguided guido of a friend who embarks his many years of dating wisdom and drunk hook ups on you. Call it dating word vomit for the male-kind. Fellas, whatever you do, ignore the Bro Voice. Why you ask? Because your Bro Voice WANTS you to be single the rest of your life. He wants you to enjoy keggers, one night stands and never ever find a meaningful relationship with anything other than your hand and a bottle of lotion. (Now this may appeal to some of you…if it does, move on. Otherwise, REAL mean, please proceed with the learning installment.)

So, men, are you paying attention? Good. I am sick of this 3 day grace period nonsense that you all have hammered into every teenage boys psyche so much so that when they are full grown adults they let amazing woman after amazing woman walk by them left and right and they wonder what in the world happened. You think you are playing hard to get. You don’t want to seem desperate to call her. You want to have the control. Ok, ok, ok. I get it all. Trust me, I understand the fragile egos that are running rampant courtesy of the Bro Voice.

Fellas, if you had a good time with someone, why would you hesitate to share that with them? You know, as women that we love flattery. We love being told how amazingly awesome and wonderful we are. But better than that, we absolutely HATE the guessing period that inevitably occurs when a guy you gave your number to doesn’t call you. It drives of insane…literally. Because, as fairly heart over head guided creatures, we tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves and we like to have that part of our mental awareness satiated. So, do us a favor and satiate it. Call us. But keep it short.

Yes, I added that caveat. Making a quick call to a girl the next day, or hell, if you REALLY liked her, call her on your way home and keep it short and simple. A nice “It was lovely to meet you, I had a great time, and I really hope we can do it again” would suffice. No need to set up immediate dates at that time, but this brief interaction lets the woman know “Hey, he kind of likes me!” And that in return usually results in a “Hey, I kind of like him back!” The gesture does not go unnoticed and it makes her wait in eager anticipation of your forthcoming interaction.
So, after the brief encounter, call her within 24 hours of that initial call and set up a specific date. Oh, and gentleman, let me be real specific in the semantics of what I said. I said CALL her. Not text her. Not stalk her name on facebook or myspace and blow up her Wall. But actually physically pick up your cell phone and give her a ringy ding. The gesture is way more romantic.

Therefore…the lesson of the day is, ignore the Bro Voice. Tell him to go stag for the night. Send the wingman home and take home your girl that you woo’ed all evening. You worked for that number. You toiled hard to maneuver through the crowds to bring her drinks, and you showed off all your very best dance moves. Capture the moment and let her know she rocked.