Free Dating: Your New Guide to Single Enlightenment

Apologies for the long dramatic pause between postings. That's what moving to a new city will do I suppose!

Well I've been off and running and have been dating and enjoying some of the men of the greater Chicagoland area. Baseline conclusion: most men are mostly the same most of the time. Got that? Good.

So, I've been discussing with guy and girl friends alike about the pitfalls of being single, the suckiness of dating and why we all do this nonsense in the first place and I came to a pretty fun conclusion that I think I'm going to stick to.

My conclusion is that once you realize how silly, stupid and awkward dating is, the more fun you can have with it. Don't take it seriously is the bottom line. Call it "Free Dating". (Similar to Free Running, which I mistakenly called Free Basing once... boy was that awkward.) In this Free Dating, you more or less take it as it comes.

For instance, first dates are horrible, we can all agree on this one. Nothing makes people more nervous than meeting someone who may or may not reject them without really knowing anything about them. Trust me, it used to strike daggers of fear into my being. I mean in reality you're instantly being judged, its like the American Idol of dating. (If only I had a condensed tape of the "audition" episodes of my dating life... how perfect would that be?). So why take it so seriously? I'm not saying be a total jackass about it, but I think we all need to stop worrying about the other person and what they're feeling and only go with your own intuition. I consider myself quite a dating chameleon in the fact that I can pretty much change up my style and personality to accommodate the person sitting across from me. Call it date-switching. It's a fun trick I've picked up over the years. But lately I realized that all its doing is returning men to me that I have utterly no interest in being around, because that's not really who I am. So, rule on first dates with Free Dating is: "Screw it. Do you."

Now one of the things that drives me absolutely crazy with dating coaches, advice givers, mothers and BFF's is that they tell you "avoid awkward conversations like religion, politics, money, etc." Why? Think about it. These are three of the main things that married folks argue about and possibly get divorces over. Maybe its because someone told them not to discuss... hmmm maybe? So rule number two with Free Dating: "Discuss whatever you want."

Finally the most IMPORTANT aspect of free dating is just to have fun with it. In the end you're out, about, meeting someone new. Sometimes the person has nothing in common with you, or you aren't very interested, well so what? Try to enjoy the time as best as you can. Be silly, laugh a lot and let yourself be fascinated by the fact that you are meeting someone outside of your circle. Rule number three "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." Well, maybe not love, love. But, just enjoy the moments. You did take the time out of your precious day, don't totally waste it.

Thank you... the offering basket will now be passed around.

Red Light, Yellow Light, Green Light... GO!

As I was driving through my 3 stoplight hometown I remembered reading about Stoplight parties in college. I will admit, I had never attended one of these events, but as I was driving I couldn't help but think, "Why can't real dating be like that?"

Now, if you are not familiar with stoplight parties, the basic premise is that you wear a bracelet around your wrist basically telling people at the party what you were looking for. Now I believe it was up to the discretion of the party thrower on what those designations were but the general gist was red=not looking, yellow=maybe after a few drinks you could convince me, and green=yes I'm ready to be laid tonight. I believe some intelligent junior highers developed a more sophisticated code with these parties and wore other coded type bracelets that indicated what sort of sexual acts they were willing to. Bravo public schools, bravo!

So yes, stoplight parties are all fun and wonderful, but what if dating was similar? I mean what if you could wear a certain color bracelet at the grocery store, bar, library, train, wherever you meet people and it indicated what you were looking for, whether it was a long term relationship, a fuck buddy, a one night stand, a sugar daddy, or nothing at all. My life would be so much simpler I swear.

I am a firm believer that men are usually pretty clear on what their intentions are with a woman, but us women being the overcomplicators that we are, inherently add complexity to their intentions to the point where it all becomes giant relationship mush in our heads and the next thing we know we have ourselves full convinced that the guy we slept with the night before after too many trips to the bar is definitely the man we should be marrying. Yeah, we're THAT f'd up.

So, if we all wore little bracelets that denoted what we wanted then there would be less confusion. I'm sure some of you naysayers in the background (yeah I see you), are saying "Whatever, everyone would just lie about what they want just to get what they want". Well, smart ass, I have my Master's more than one thing, sooooo... my brilliant plan is to make these bracelets like mood rings. GENIUS! Thank me later. This way, your mood will dictate what you're looking for that evening. So, next time you roll to the bar post-breakup and your bracelet lights up like a Christmas tree and says "Looking to hook up!" then just blame your hormones, not your bad choices. Problemo solved.

Anyways, I know this is an absolutely ludicrous idea, but it still begs the point that communicating is one of the biggest barriers at the beginning of getting to know someone. So often we feel that we need to tip toe around the big stuff such as the "Where is this going?" talk, or "what do you want from me?" which is ridiculous. I cannot even count the amount of times I've gotten to the point of being around someone thinking "I really like this person, and want to date them" and all of a sudden I bring up that conversation (of course after I'm emotionally attached) and I get totally burned when that person is like "Oh, I was just looking for friends." Thanks asshole. Could have shared that 4 weeks ago. So, don't be afraid to ask those questions that many people think will kill a good thing. It will save you more than your fair share of heartache. Being open, honest and upfront will only bring you back open, honest and upfront feelings in return. I mean why waste your time on another guy just looking for a hookup when you deserve much more?

Oh snap! That Was your Best Move?

Has anyone else noticed that dancing at the club has been less and less discrete about it's intent? And if you aren't familiar with the intent of dancing at the club...well, what rock have you been hiding under? For those club virgins, the intent is shhhhh....SEX! So normally they say you can tell how good the guy or girl is in my bed by the way they move on the floor. This is both true and untrue I have discovered. Some guys will seriously rock your world on the dance floor and make you beg for a back closet, but in bed...well leaves a lot to be desired. (So fellas who don't dance...have no fear of not being able to find a natural rhythm in the bedroom...the myth fails on this one.)

However...I'm beginning to think the originality of dancing on the floor has ceased to exist. For the most part of my life I've been surrounded by some pretty amazing dancers and I hope that I've learned from osmosis from a few of these people. I find that I do have fairly decent rhythm for a white girl, and my Jamaica friends claim they haven't seen a white girl with sicker moves than I, so I hold that as a fairly large compliment, though I know some of you are haters and would disagree. Either way, I feel ok holding my own on the dance floor.

As many people who know me there are two things that bother me more than anything at the club, 1) Side dancers. These are those dudes who are not quite sure what's really going on, so they come up to your side and for some odd reason start grinding up on your left or right thigh. Fellas...this is not attractive, nor is it very nice. 2) The only from behind dancer. If you are one of those guys that only creeps up to an unsuspecting girl and only dance up on her ass I'm going to think one of two things about you. One, you are ugly and don't want me to turn around and see your mug. Or two, you have no idea how to dance, so you want me to do all the work while you just rock back and forth. Neither option is worth my time or energy, except to embarrass you.

So the other night I got caught up in only from behind dancer. It was near closing time, my legs were hurting and I honestly was thankful just to have someone to lean into so the weight was no longer on my high heeled boots. Sorry random guy, that WAS your purpose. So we're dancing, I'm shaking my hips, not really feeling it, but more so playing along. All of sudden I feel this guy put his hands on either side of my hips and he starts thrusting. No joke. It was like awkward stand up doggy style, except I was standing straight up. At first this caught me by surprise and I thought it would just be passing phase for the chorus of the song. Nope. Two straight songs. Halfway through the first I was just amused so I wanted to see how long this champ was gonna go before he realized how worthless it was. Honestly, it was probably best that it was from behind because seriously my face must have been worth a thousand words. The boredom and annoyance was written ALL over my face. At least he was on beat though.

Seriously though, that's your best move? Which of your homeboys told you that golden move? Was everyone gathered at your house the other week and someone just came in and said "Yo, I discovered this new move at the dance floor where you seriously just bounce off a girl's ass all night! The chicks totally dig it!" I don't know, do guys talk about dance moves like that?

So...guys. If you really, and I mean really want to show a girl what you are capable of in the bedroom whether you can dance or not, don't thrust her until she walks away annoyed. The key...caress her. Put your hands on her hips, around her waist, up and down her arms, anywhere she gives you permission (don't get too nasty though...unless she says Miss Jackson if you're nasty!). This move seriously shows the lady you are into her. That you find her absolutely too irresistible that you can't even keep your hands off of her for two seconds. This will then convey to the woman your attentiveness...in the bedroom. Also, turn the girl around, have her face you. Stare into her eyes while you rove your hands around her and shake to the beat. Ahhhh you got her good now! And the next morning when you wake up groggy at her apartment smiling, send me a thank you note.

WWGMD? (What Would George Michael Do?)

All right, so I have a confession. Word of warning, if you’d like to keep your image of me in your head that I am an amazing superwoman who is the epitome of awesomeness, then click that X up in the right hand corner right now. For those of you who are gluttons for punishment, or just get a kick out of me being opposite to my outstanding reputation, then proceed.

So, the other night I was laying in bed “thinking”. (Take from those quotes what you will…). Throughout my dating experience I’m always asked by friends, family, random strangers, etc. what type of man do you want. Whenever I hear this question I get a very weird reaction inside. Kind of like someone kicked me from behind and then proceeded to knee me in the side as I tried to get up. That’s kind of a violent reaction to a fairly simple question right? Well, after hashing out some reasonings, my only guess is that I get that queasy feeling in my belly upon hearing that question because my mind starts chanting “Oh you have NO idea what the hell you want.” And, as someone who has strung through too many dates and has been around way too many male friends and heard too many female friends complain about men, how do I NOT know the answer to that? After a few awkward moments of dawdling, stalling and uttering more umm’s and well’s, I give the very standard “Oh, he has to be smart, cute and funny.” How freakin’ original.

Throughout all of my eloquence, how did I come up with that garbage rolling off my tongue? And once again my head starts chanting “You have NO idea what you want.” So, like any good self-fulfilling prophecy, I started to believe it, and I started to own it. I even developed the very fancy way of sugar coating this into something deeper by saying, “Oh well, I hate saying a laundry list of qualities, I just go with my gut when I’m around someone”. BULLSHIT!

So as I laid “thinking” the other night I came to a realization of what I DO want. And…it obviously racked me a little bit. What I want? One word: Protector. A protector?! Are you kidding me? Of all of my preachings saying women, get your own, do your own thing, don’t let a man be the end all be all, and then this nonsense pops into my head? Oh take my feminist card now…if I ever had one that is.

But no, I’m sure it’s not that dramatic, but it still caught me by surprise. Literally the thought of coming home to a man who wraps me in his arms, looks me in the eyes and says “Baby, I will never, ever hurt you, and I will never let anyone else hurt you because I want to take care of you for the rest of my life” made me damn near burst into tears. YES! Why don’t men say that? Or better yet, why have men I met not say that? Do they exist? Please say yes.

Then I realized that is truly what makes someone vulnerable. All my life I have been taught to be self-sufficient. As an adult that unfortunately has translated into a bit of a character flaw in which I rarely if ever ask anyone for help. Being able to sit there and say to someone, “hey, I need you.” That’s vulnerability. Being vulnerable is not sharing your life story front to end, it’s not taking risks on something outrageous, nor is it crying pools of tears to someone. It is and always will be one person admitting to another that going it alone is tough, difficult and at times insurmountable. True vulnerability is trusting someone enough to lean on.

Call this my Ah Ha moment where I finally realized that maybe this was the missing piece. It was not me being picky, or not knowing what I wanted, or never meeting the correct man. All along it’s been me not willing to trust another person’s strength against my own. So in the philosophical words of George Michael, “Ya gotta have faith.”