So, this blog may get deeper than some of the other comical, witty and downright amazing blogposts I normally do. Apparently my blog has placed me in a position where people consult me on relationship advice and consider me some sort of beacon of dating hope. Oh boy...
Either way, I was speaking with someone this evening about the pains of breaking off long term relationships, and for some reason I've been feeling quite Zen about a lot of things in my life. Maybe it's this book I just read or maybe it's the pain meds and muscle relaxers on. Regardless, the epiphany of understanding is somehow manifested in my life.
Anyways, this particular person's experience seemed so eerily familiar to my own dramatic breakup that I couldn't help but preemptively offer to help this person. The place they are in at this point brought me to an odd self reflection about my past two years post-ex. And yes, I know my ex reads this blog so I hope he's taking a vacation from reading this, because the intent is not to make him feel bad, but to help another person understand the mistakes I did during that time and hopefully resurrect their own life sooner than I learned to reestablish mine.
Obviously breakups are difficult and life altering experiences in people's lives. Some people are stronger than others in these situations and everyone deals with it in their own way. Much like people mourn death in their own unique fashion, I've learned that people deal with breakups in very different ways as well. Some deal with breakups by surrounding themselves with friends and family and other loving people in their life. Some find God or another spiritual connection to see them through. Others find solace in altering their mind state through drugs or alcohol. While others may seek comfort in eating, or the opposite and seek balance in working out. Sometimes though people (like myself), trying to find comfort in people they don't know.
Let me rephrase that. Because it's not exactly comfort you are seeking, but rather distraction and displacement. Sometimes when you break up with someone there is so much residual pain that you just are not sure how to deal with it. It's like pain keeps emanating from everything, whether it's from hearing a song lyric or smelling a familiar scent, it always hits you like a ton of bricks and you're constantly reminding of the gaping pain that exists within your body. So, as they say misery loves company. So, instead of dealing with the pain, the best solution you find is to make someone else feel pain, and oftentimes that pain comes in the form of relationships with other people, simply because you were hurt in a relationship with someone.
So...you meet someone. Preferably someone as vulnerable as you. You speak, you meet, and you become physical. Then you leave. Without little thought, without any remorse. It's an addiction of attention a cycle of dysfunctional love from someone you have no intention of loving. Because there is no loving in this...but only a transfer of pain from your heart to another's. Except the raw deal in this is the fact that once that pain moves to someone else, that pain usually bounces right back with twice the force until you find another person to displace it to. Thus the perpetuation of the cycle.
I used to say I was picky. I used to say I was hard to please and that my expectations were too high and that's why I couldn't find anyone to date. Really? Is anyone still buying that? Because I stopped buying that BS a few months ago, even though I keep feeding it to people. Truth is, I'm still dealing with the pain.
But it's been 2 years right? I mean I should be over and done correct? Well about 99% of those two years were still accompanied with conversations with my ex and the whole back and forth of feelings. Finally, I can safely say that I am at a place where things are in a good place with him and I. We both recognize that we care for one another immensely, and I think we've both become adult enough to realize that all we really want is for one another to be happy. And if that means it's with someone else, then so be it. But getting to that place was no simple feat.
What do you do when someone over the course of time suddenly became your everything? They were your shoulder to lean on, your best friend, your lover, your confidante, your pick me up, your everything. My best friend Gina said it the best when she broke up with her boyfriend. She said, "Kassandra the hardest part of dealing with a breakup is trying to find people to replace the voids with. So you break up one person's duties among multiple people, and therefore you end up becoming dependent on multiple people rather than one." So you begin finding people that do that for you. For instance, I have a friend who is my party buddy, another who is my intellectual buddy, someone who I talk sports with, another who I speak with about relationships. However, I categorized all of these people into specific duties and roles.
So, then the problem becomes how can you let someone be your everything again when you've already sliced and diced those responsibilities out? Therefore, instead of finding love and finding someone to enjoy all your ups and downs, lefts and rights, you begin seeking comfort through multiple people.
To this day, one of my favorite CDs I listened to during my breakup was India.Arie's Testimony: Vol 1, Life and Relationships. Somehow she spoke directly to me by starting with the breakup and working through each song of rebuilding herself to finally accepting and understanding a healing relationship with her ex boyfriend.
Life really is an evolution of sorts. And I don't think anyone can ever really walk on a timeline of when and where there will be gains and losses. One thing I'm learning though is to be forever present. For the longest time I kept looking at my life as a puzzle that was supposed to magically fit together. I was supposed to have this job, this apartment, this boyfriend, this life. And look where I am now. Go figure.
But...as I stand right now I know I distance people but yet keep them close enough so that they won't stray too far away from my life at any given time. Some of the smarter ones have caught onto this and have said to hell with me and walked away. Others knew me well before I became this way so they understand it's just part of what I'm experiencing while others have no idea yet. I know I push people away and don't let them get close enough simply because I'm not ready to be loved again. I'm scared, I'm terrified and utterly frightened to let someone be my everything again. Because I know the damage it's brought to my life for these last few years, and as strong as I am, I fear. So instead of loving, I idly pass the time by having meaningless relationships with people that walk through my life in hopes that one of them will inspire and awaken a part of my heart that's been dead and numb for so long.
Slowly I'm learning to realize that the awakening will not occur because someone else is going to punch me in the heart and say "wake the hell up" but rather its going to and it has to be me that says, "Ok, let's start over. Let's be brave and trust ourselves again." Because that's really the cause of the problem. Instead of not trusting other people, you've lost trust in the only person you should trust, yourself. So, much like it takes time and effort to rebuilt trust with another person, it really takes time and love to re-trust yourself again. Let's learn to love ourselves. Scars and wars and all the in betweens. Everything we do in life is to further ourselves as human beings. As much as I'd love to have it all figured out by the time I'm 27, that's not going to happen. So for now, I'm going to fake it til I make it.
I know I'm on a journey of healing...and I'm almost there. And I thank all of the people that have watched with steady hearts and loving eyes at this transformation within me. I know I will be ok, because I'm me and that's all I need.
Either way, I was speaking with someone this evening about the pains of breaking off long term relationships, and for some reason I've been feeling quite Zen about a lot of things in my life. Maybe it's this book I just read or maybe it's the pain meds and muscle relaxers on. Regardless, the epiphany of understanding is somehow manifested in my life.
Anyways, this particular person's experience seemed so eerily familiar to my own dramatic breakup that I couldn't help but preemptively offer to help this person. The place they are in at this point brought me to an odd self reflection about my past two years post-ex. And yes, I know my ex reads this blog so I hope he's taking a vacation from reading this, because the intent is not to make him feel bad, but to help another person understand the mistakes I did during that time and hopefully resurrect their own life sooner than I learned to reestablish mine.
Obviously breakups are difficult and life altering experiences in people's lives. Some people are stronger than others in these situations and everyone deals with it in their own way. Much like people mourn death in their own unique fashion, I've learned that people deal with breakups in very different ways as well. Some deal with breakups by surrounding themselves with friends and family and other loving people in their life. Some find God or another spiritual connection to see them through. Others find solace in altering their mind state through drugs or alcohol. While others may seek comfort in eating, or the opposite and seek balance in working out. Sometimes though people (like myself), trying to find comfort in people they don't know.
Let me rephrase that. Because it's not exactly comfort you are seeking, but rather distraction and displacement. Sometimes when you break up with someone there is so much residual pain that you just are not sure how to deal with it. It's like pain keeps emanating from everything, whether it's from hearing a song lyric or smelling a familiar scent, it always hits you like a ton of bricks and you're constantly reminding of the gaping pain that exists within your body. So, as they say misery loves company. So, instead of dealing with the pain, the best solution you find is to make someone else feel pain, and oftentimes that pain comes in the form of relationships with other people, simply because you were hurt in a relationship with someone.
So...you meet someone. Preferably someone as vulnerable as you. You speak, you meet, and you become physical. Then you leave. Without little thought, without any remorse. It's an addiction of attention a cycle of dysfunctional love from someone you have no intention of loving. Because there is no loving in this...but only a transfer of pain from your heart to another's. Except the raw deal in this is the fact that once that pain moves to someone else, that pain usually bounces right back with twice the force until you find another person to displace it to. Thus the perpetuation of the cycle.
I used to say I was picky. I used to say I was hard to please and that my expectations were too high and that's why I couldn't find anyone to date. Really? Is anyone still buying that? Because I stopped buying that BS a few months ago, even though I keep feeding it to people. Truth is, I'm still dealing with the pain.
But it's been 2 years right? I mean I should be over and done correct? Well about 99% of those two years were still accompanied with conversations with my ex and the whole back and forth of feelings. Finally, I can safely say that I am at a place where things are in a good place with him and I. We both recognize that we care for one another immensely, and I think we've both become adult enough to realize that all we really want is for one another to be happy. And if that means it's with someone else, then so be it. But getting to that place was no simple feat.
What do you do when someone over the course of time suddenly became your everything? They were your shoulder to lean on, your best friend, your lover, your confidante, your pick me up, your everything. My best friend Gina said it the best when she broke up with her boyfriend. She said, "Kassandra the hardest part of dealing with a breakup is trying to find people to replace the voids with. So you break up one person's duties among multiple people, and therefore you end up becoming dependent on multiple people rather than one." So you begin finding people that do that for you. For instance, I have a friend who is my party buddy, another who is my intellectual buddy, someone who I talk sports with, another who I speak with about relationships. However, I categorized all of these people into specific duties and roles.
So, then the problem becomes how can you let someone be your everything again when you've already sliced and diced those responsibilities out? Therefore, instead of finding love and finding someone to enjoy all your ups and downs, lefts and rights, you begin seeking comfort through multiple people.
To this day, one of my favorite CDs I listened to during my breakup was India.Arie's Testimony: Vol 1, Life and Relationships. Somehow she spoke directly to me by starting with the breakup and working through each song of rebuilding herself to finally accepting and understanding a healing relationship with her ex boyfriend.
Life really is an evolution of sorts. And I don't think anyone can ever really walk on a timeline of when and where there will be gains and losses. One thing I'm learning though is to be forever present. For the longest time I kept looking at my life as a puzzle that was supposed to magically fit together. I was supposed to have this job, this apartment, this boyfriend, this life. And look where I am now. Go figure.
But...as I stand right now I know I distance people but yet keep them close enough so that they won't stray too far away from my life at any given time. Some of the smarter ones have caught onto this and have said to hell with me and walked away. Others knew me well before I became this way so they understand it's just part of what I'm experiencing while others have no idea yet. I know I push people away and don't let them get close enough simply because I'm not ready to be loved again. I'm scared, I'm terrified and utterly frightened to let someone be my everything again. Because I know the damage it's brought to my life for these last few years, and as strong as I am, I fear. So instead of loving, I idly pass the time by having meaningless relationships with people that walk through my life in hopes that one of them will inspire and awaken a part of my heart that's been dead and numb for so long.
Slowly I'm learning to realize that the awakening will not occur because someone else is going to punch me in the heart and say "wake the hell up" but rather its going to and it has to be me that says, "Ok, let's start over. Let's be brave and trust ourselves again." Because that's really the cause of the problem. Instead of not trusting other people, you've lost trust in the only person you should trust, yourself. So, much like it takes time and effort to rebuilt trust with another person, it really takes time and love to re-trust yourself again. Let's learn to love ourselves. Scars and wars and all the in betweens. Everything we do in life is to further ourselves as human beings. As much as I'd love to have it all figured out by the time I'm 27, that's not going to happen. So for now, I'm going to fake it til I make it.
I know I'm on a journey of healing...and I'm almost there. And I thank all of the people that have watched with steady hearts and loving eyes at this transformation within me. I know I will be ok, because I'm me and that's all I need.
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