Third Date Syndrome

So my guy friends are my infinite source of people who tell me what I do wrong. Particularly with dating. But my really good guy friends don't point out what I do wrong, they just merely point out what I do, since apparently I'm basically drowning in the sea of dating that sometimes I cannot even see my own sad dating patterns. Therefore, the coining of "Kassandra's 3rd Date Syndrome" was inspired by my chronic, one strike, two strikes you're out rule.

Let me explain...

Typically, when a man asks me out, I will say yes. I do this simply because I think it takes a lot of courage for a man to put himself out therefore in front of a woman who he may or may not know, but he wants to take the risk of asking her if he can get to know her better by simply asking for one evening of her time. Call me a sucker, but every woman loves to be asked out by a random stranger or someone she secretly has a crush on because simply said, it's attention. Aimed at you. So, I will usually go on a first date with someone, pending any strange occurrences/personality traits that may prevent me from doing so. This would include men who work in "retail" (see a few posts down...), men who I know are only interested in sex, men who have tried to hit on my friend in front of me (see a few posts down as well...), and I'm sure there's other strange things I could list based on prior experience, but then that would ruin the future fun of reading my blog posts now wouldn't it?

So, I'm a firm believer that no one is "truly" themselves on a first date. As Americans and general human beings, we're very big on first impressions. Therefore, we usually try our best to put on a good show for someone we're interested in. Plus, first dates are usually fairly tense, especially if they are blind dates, or online dates where you're meeting someone face to face for the first time. It's nervewracking and it'll make any grown adult run for cover. Therefore, the second date is key.

If I go on a date with someone and I'm attracted "enough" and interested "enough" meaning I didn't want to stab my eyes out from boredom or throw a brown paper bag over the guy, then I will give them the second shot. Usually second dates are more low-key. You know what/who to expect when you open the door, it's not that "surprise-I-look-nothing-like-my-picture" look. Instead it's that "Ahh...I remember you. Let's see what you're really like." So, word of advice for women, always go somewhere you can talk, one-on-one with a guy for the second date. A coffee shop, a park, bar, whatever. Any place that you can dig deep. Attraction, or at least semi-attraction got you this far, it's the personality that will keep you, so make sure it's there.

Unfortunately, the second date is where I get stuck. I apparently have super-extraordinary expectations for men's personality. I have found a few men that I truly connect on that mental level. A man that can discuss relevant issues, discuss his life with vibrance and can make me laugh so hard that it hurts. It takes a lot, and I know this. So the bar is high due to these few men that have encountered my life, so I know the odds are against me more often than not. However, once you have that mental/spiritual connection with someone where they just seem to "get" you, it's impossible to forget. Therefore, I'm usually disappointed by second dates.

Some men I've gone out with just turn out to not be as interesting as I thought. Or they are men who think they are interesting, in fact, they think they're the ONLY interesting thing, so that's all they talk about. More often than not though second dates with guys that I've dated simply just don't move past the initial "sparks" phase. Many times you look at someone and you think, "Ok, not it for the relationship zone, but he's a good guy." That's usually what happens. I meet good, decent men. However, there's not enough there to keep me engaged. And I know if I'm not engaged or at least curious, then, well...boredom sinks in.

Now after reading these blog posts you would probably assuming that I'm a fairly confident, strong-willed woman (or at least I hope you think flattering thoughts like that). However, this is one of the rare instances where I literally crawl back into grade school mode. See, I find it hard to tell a guy that there just wasn't something there. To make myself feel better I find it's better to get the guy to hate me, or walk away from me simply so he doesn't think I thought something was "wrong" with him. Because trust me, I know the wrong-ness is all on me. So...third date syndrome begins.

The guy will call, ask me out. I'm busy. He'll call to talk. Short responses. He'll message me online. I'll pretend I didn't see it. I'll half-heartedly make plans but then come up with a reason not to come, or just forget the plans and days go by. Awful. I know. Trust me, if I go to hell for anything, it may be this. I know it's "leading" someone on and I know I should just be upfront, but I just can't help it. I become this vague, mysterious, inaccessible woman. Which to me, should piss any man off for being so indifferent. However, men are odd, just like women are, and honestly this indifference keeps them running back for more. Finally, after months of trying, they walk away, and by then I've probably already had third date syndrome with 2-3 other men. And that is why I date often, but love little.

(Disclaimer: If you are an ex-second date man of mine, I apologize you found out this way...but please know it's me, not you that was wrong. And yes, feel free to call me a bitch. I probably deserve it.)