Swimming Pools versus Oceans

So last summer I was dating this guy Ben, and now we're good buddies. This blog post came to mind mainly because I just received a text from him saying he was in the city "with the wifey". Ben had become my single buddy in crime over the past year. Him and I knew well enough not to actually go out to bars, clubs, etc. together because as Ben said it best, "You just don't take sand to the beach." However, we were always each other's counselors in terms of the myriad of crazy other single-somethings that we dated and Ben was always the first person to tell me exactly what I was doing wrong, and was always brutally honest about it. Trust me. If Ben wasn't such a good friend and I didn't trust his opinion he would have put me in tears at some of the things he's said. Either that or he would've gotten a slap in the face. But, more often than not he was right.

Anyways, I'm happy for Ben. Sort of. I feel lost now. My single buddy just moved into the land of couple-dom. The place I'm striving to be, but simply cannot manage to get there. I'm sure Ben will have a good explanation for me. Such as I'm naive, or I let people take advantage of me, or that I get too attached to a guy. All of which he's said to me before. Either way, I know I've made plenty of mistakes, but hopefully I've learned from most of them, and if I haven't, hopefully I find a man that just absolutely loves those flaws in my judgement.

Now the title of this blog post is probably confusing right now. But the text from Ben reminding me of a book he told me to read last summer called "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida. I highly recommend this book to men and women. Men, read it simply because it will help you realize your own individual purpose in life and women, read it because it will reaffirm that the way you communicate is not completely crazy.

This author, David Deida's basic underlying premise is that men and women alike either have a masculine, feminine or a mixture of both inner core. However, he is quick to state that the mixed core is usually very rare and that most of us learn towards one core or the other. And these cores should not be mixed up with gender or sex. I almost wish he came up with a different naming device simply because of the loaded nature of terming something masculine or feminine. Regardless, that's his premise. And based on what type of core you have, you are attracted to someone who has the opposite core of what you have. Then he goes on to describe some scenarios which I thought to be quite telling of interactions between men and women.

My favorite analogy/observation in the book was regarding the way men and women communicate. Deida said that the best way to describe it is that when men speak, they mean what they say. When women speak, they mean what they say in that moment. Men, how many times has a woman said in the heat of an argument "I hate you!". Probably more often than you'd like to admit right? Well simply put, that's what she was feeling that split second moment of time. It's rare that you will hear a man in the middle of an argument simply burst out that sentiment. Mainly because men tend to think out what they say more. To men, their word is their life, so they are very careful with their words. To women, their emotions are their life, so their words reflect their inner emotions.

Now don't jump to any weird sexist conclusions in that women are emotional and men are straightforward and strong. That's not the point of this analogy. No one will disagree that men and women communicate differently. To me, this was the best description of that discrepancy in communication that I have heard up to this day.

The other analogy that Deida used was in terms of swimming pools and oceans (hence the title of the blog...I promised there was a reason). Because men do not really know how to communicate their emotions, they tend to compartmentalize women's words/feelings, or as Deida says, they treat their emotions like a swimming pool. In reality though, women's words and emotions are more like the ebb and flow of the ocean. They are expanse and come and go with no real pattern or rhyme, or reason. But they are there and they are constantly flowing back and forth, side to side and all around. Simply put, you cannot contain a woman's emotions, and as a man you should respect and understand a woman's intuitive nature to let her emotions guide her life. So see women, we're not nuts.

Now men, this is not to say that you should bow down to every emotion that a woman goes through. Deida also believes that sometimes the emotional rollercoasters that us women put you on are simply tests, or challenges. A good woman, a woman that loves you, will challenge you, will inspire you to become a better man.

However, women need to heed this advice as well. Do not settle for a man that will not inspire and challenge you to become a better woman day after day. Women, I know we are strong and can inspire and challenge our ownselves, but there is something amazing about the way a man can gently challenge and urge you to better yourself for yourself. If you find a man like that, don't ever let him go. Constantly challenge each other day in and day out so that you are always in constant evolution. This way, you will never be bored in your relationship, simply because you are evolving into new, beautiful and different person daily.