Well, since I haven't really had a first date that has actually completely blown me away (because I'd probably be with that person don't you think?) then I'm going to indulge you with some of my favorite "Best of Kassandra's Dating Disaster". I'm sure most of you will be laughing at me (not with me) after reading this, and then some of you, namely my mom will shake their head and wonder how her bright, charming and seemily intelligent daughter could have been led astray so far. (Sidebar: I really hope my mom doesn't read this because if she did, she'd never let me go out on a date by myself again. She'd personally hire some strange bodyguard type person to ensure I have my mace self-defense skills honed.)
Ok, so as most women in the NY/NJ metro area have learned is that good men usually are not found in bars. Yet all of us know at least ONE friend who met their husband at a bar or club so we secretly hold out hope that one evening when we're out some good looking stranger will stroll up to us, charm our socks off and become the future father of our children. I'm slowly learning that when it comes to women and dating mistakes it's like a five year old child and a hot stove. Your mom will always tell you "Don't touch the stove it's hot." But simply because 1) we don't care what mom says and 2) we want to learn ourselves, we usually end up touching the stove. Much like most women end up giving men their phone number at the club, knowing full well he's no good.
And on with Best of the Worst 3rd place Winner...
Sometimes it's hard to hear what men in the club are talking about when they are screaming in your ear over the loud thumping hip hop music. So as a woman in denial sometimes I'll casually act like I didn't hear what I thought I heard, though I know full well that man just said something stupid enough to get him slapped.
So one night, I was out with some of my guy friends who usually casually drop me like a bad habit once I get them in the club (since we all know it's a cardinal rule, if you're a herd of dudes, bring a lady...one with big boobs won't hurt you either and it's instant access to the club, hence my perpetual wing-woman status). Either way, I'm out on the dance floor doing my thing, thinking I'm looking pretty cute shaking my hips and tossing my hair around. (Here's a hint men, you know when a woman is flirting with you when she gives you "the eyes". You all know what I'm talking about) However, don't confuse "the eyes" with it's similar bed cousin "the stay the hell away from me eyes". The key to knowing the difference is whether or not a woman holds your gaze until you look directly at her or if she quickly looks the other way. If she quickly looks the other way she's only eyeing you because she's making sure she's doing all in her power to stay the hell away from you, so she's got you in her sights to avoid and potential accidental interaction. Got it?
Anyways, back to the story. So, I'm dancing and one particuarly fella got the eyes confused. Just to give you a mental picture the guy is about oh 2 inches taller than me...and I'm short and he's wearing one of those damn hoodies that I can't stand. You know, those crazy hoodies that came out that have all of those jacked up patterns on and looks like something you would've worn if you were 10 and grew up in the 80's. Those hoodies make me cringe. Oh and I must mention the giant pieces of fake gold around his neck as well as the $5 sunglasses from Walmart, and the giant jacked up smile. Got him in mind? Now you can understand the "stay the hell away from me eyes". So I'm casually keeping this guy in my sights simply to avoid crossing paths are walking near him. But...I lost track of him at one point. So I'm dancing thinking nothing of the matter, all the while drinking more (Hint: no more drinking when your guy friends go incognito on you). So all of a sudden I feel this guy come up behind me and start grinding on me. (Because apparently "asking" a lady to dance is out of the question up here). So I'm about 4 redbull and vodkas in, so I go along with it. Then I hear in my ear...
"Hey baby...your ass looks real sexy tonight. Can you give me your number?"
Dumbass me gives it to him.
Next day...
Random Dude: "Hey, it's me ___ (name deleted to protect the innocent) from the club last night. "
Me: (Awkwardness) "Oh hey how are you?"
Random Dude: "Good ma, good." (SIDEBAR: I HATE being called 'ma')
Me: "Ok, so what do you do for a living?"
Random Dude: "Oh, I work in 'retail'." (Quotes are there for a purpose)
So, he works in retail? Yes, a 30 year old man in retail. And note, he's not the only "retail" worker I've encountered. I met about 3 of them over a 2 month period at the club. Turns out "retail" is code word for "Oh, I sell drugs for a living and tell unsuspecting women at the club that I work in retail so they won't know any better". Let's just say I found this out the hard way...
Best of the Worst Runner Up
My friend Kate is one of a kind. Anytime Kate and I get together, dumb stuff happens. Real dumb stuff. Sometimes the stuff that happens to Kate sounds so absurd that most people would not believe half of the things that happen to her. However, I have witnessed half of these odd events, so yes dumb stuff happens to Kate, and me when I'm with Kate.
So it was New Year's Eve...maybe about a month after my ex and I had broken up. Therefore, I figured it would be the perfect time for a Kate and Kassandra adventure. So, to start our evening Kate and I drive to Louisville, KY for a house party (Kate lives in Lexington, KY and Louisville is about an hour from Lex). We get all the way to Louisville and we're at this awful house party of one of her friends. Around 10:30pm we decide to leave. So Kate starts texting this guy she had been seeing. He says he's going to bring a friend with him since Kate brought me. Perfect.
So, we get back to Lexington anxiously awaiting the arrival of our gentlemen company for the evening. In walks Kate's man, good looking kid. Then...in walks "Smooth". And no that's not a codename...that was seriously the name he said when he introduced himself. Trust me, nothing could be more unsmooth about this kid.
Kate and her man wander back to her bedroom to do God knows what, and so Smooth sits next to me on Kate's couch. I know Kate really likes that guy, so I figured I would take one for the team tonight and be a good sport. Smooth didn't make it easy. Series of questions from Smooth goes like this: (my answers in italics)
- What's your name? Kassandra
- Where are you staying tonight? My hotel room.
- Can I sleep there with you? Get me drunk enough and we will see.
So after that interesting interaction, Kate comes back out. Gameplan was Smooth and his boy were going to hit up a party then meet us at this particular club. Fair enough. Kate and I head to the club. Midnight comes. No show. 1am comes. No show. 2am...closing time. No show. By now, Kate is pissed. Me, I'm relieved.
Smooth calls. Kate answers. Smooth says him and his boy are coming by to Kate's apartment in an hour. Knock on the door. It's Smooth. Only Smooth. Perfect. Kate goes to her room for something. Smooth heads in for the kill...
"So, can I come back with you to your hotel and make sweet love all night to you?"
NO!
Seeing his efforts fail, Smooth smoothly follows Kate back to her bedroom. 2 minutes later Smooth leaves the apartment. Curious I ask Kate what the hell happened. She said, oh he tried to throw some line at me like he's sorry things didn't work with me and his friend so he wanted to see if I wanted to sleep with him...
Wow. Two friends in one night? Real smooth...
Needless to say, Smooth probably didn't get any that New Year's.
And the finale of them all...Best of the Worst 1st Prize Winner
So last summer I started talking to this guy, and I will use his real name because he deserves to have his face smeared all over the place. His name is Damian. (Could be a codename, not sure, he could've lied about that as well). He tells me that he's a photographer and that he used to do photography from Arista records. I saw some of his work on his myspace, seemed legit. So I met him for dinner. While we were at dinner he was talking about how he needed to hire a new assistant. So, I offered up the name of one of my mutal friends who had just moved to the city. (She was the roommate of a friend I went to school with and hadn't found a steady job yet). So I figured this would be perfect! I gave him her number and that was that.
So the next day he calls and says he paid my friend a visit since he wanted to explain the job to her in person and meet her. Ok...odd but ok. So he said after he was done talking to her he was headed out to my place. Fine. He arrives at my apartment I let him in, as he's getting settled my friend from grad school calls. Phone conversation paraphrased below:
Grad Friend: "Do you have company right now?"
Me: "Yes, why?"
Grad Friend: "Walk into another room."
Me: "Ok...what's up?"
Grad Friend:"I just wanted to let you know what kind of company you are keeping. So Damian came over to talk to my roommate and well, hate to break it to you, but he's not a 'photographer'. He actually came and handed my roommate a set of checks and a fake license and said, if you take these to the bank down the street there and cash these out, I'll give you $500."
Me:"Shit."
I walk out to my living room and I said (and forgive the coarse language, but it was deserved) "Get the fuck out of my apartment."
He did. And now I am scarred for life.
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