The Friend Zone

So the other day a friend of mine came to me for advice about an encounter he had with a young lady and the discussion of what I like to call the "friend zone" appeared. For those who are unfamiliar, the friend zone is the special categorized box that women place their guy friends in. This "zone" is usually an asexual, friends only, nothing romantic about it zone. Call it a no-fun-zone if you will.

Either way, it seems as if women are more apt to put men in the friend zone than men are to put women there. For some reason or the other (I'm going to blame it on biology), men have a hard time being "just friends" with a woman. Seriously, there's no way to refute this. I've tried. Women, think of your guy friends. Straight guy friends. At some point in your friendship was there some sort of line crossed? An odd conversation? A drunken night? If you say no, you are LYING! It may have been a passing moment, but your guy friend has thought about it, at least once, if not more. Men, don't deny it.

As women, we are able to distinctly categorize men though into friends and non-friends. Our nature allows us to see men as non-sexual objects from time to time, thus the conception of the friend zone. So let's say you start talking to a guy and you are friends, I am not a gambling woman, but I would put money on it that your guy friend will never transpire into your boyfriend. Hollywood movies lie. It's more common to hear women say, "Oh we met on the top of Mt. Everest" than to hear them say "Oh we were just friends and one day decided to be more." It just doesn't happen that way. And this is why...

Guys, once a woman has relegated you to "friend" status, you've lost any chance of being intimate with her, simply for the reasons I'm about to point out. Women enjoy being mysterious with men they date. They like dating a man that does not know much about them. Does not know their past mistakes, their past history, their deepest darkest secrets. So why would they date their guy friend who has seen almost every single f'up they did in their dating career? Where's the mystery there? This guy probably knows ALL the dumb stuff you did, because he was your confidente in you time of men dilemmas. He was your listening ear, the person you admitted all your flaws, all your mistakes to in dating. Therefore, it becomes very hard for women to separate that person from the friend realm into the potential husband realm.

Now I'm not going to make any new friends by the post, simply because most people will raise their arms in disgust and claim that friendship is the basis for a relationship. I 100% agree. Friendship is the building blocks. However, friendship with the intent of building that foundation into something more is the key. If there was never that intent on the female side, it's hard to fabricate that intent later down the line.

I think many time women have a fanciful idea that love is this magically romantic occurrence. Where two people see each other across a room and are instantly the most disgustingly in love couple in the universe. And this is why the friend zone exists. Women are not in-tuned to the concept of love "growing" on someone. Instead, many women grew up with the fairly mythical idea that love will just slap them up side the face and they'll live happily ever after. However, the women who have realized that fanciful thoughts of falling in love don't usually occur (though I will admit, fate has proven that sometimes it does), are the ones who do have that best friend that blossoms into a loving and lasting partnership.

So women...open up your friend zone, and instead of containing it into a compartmentalized box, expand it into an ocean of possibilities. You may be surprised to have your happily ever after, after all.

The Lyrics of a Perfect Man

It's not uncommon for people to hear me cite my favorite movie quote when it comes to finding love.

"I want to be his perfect verse over a tight beat." Quoted from the movie 'Brown Sugar'. By far and away this is the one quote that has summed up what I am searching for in someone. It ties in my love of music/hip hop in general and it describes the rhythimical ups, downs, and in-betweens that occur when you mix spoken word over a killer beat.

So I often make analogies to my dating escapades through the medium of music. When I was sitting in my car the other day driving down Boulevard East I caught myself flipping through my XM radio station pre-sets. I originally had my radio on one station and a song ended, and another one came on that I felt "lukewarm" about. It was one of those songs that have recently been played to death, but I still had an inkling of liking for the song. So then I thought, well let's see what's on this station and see if there's another song. (I know ALL of you have done this before so don't lie. You search the stations to see if something 'better' is on. We're all guilty.) And sure enough, Nas's new song, Hero was on (which I love). Sitting there pleased with my uncanny ability to realize that there had to be a better song on, a sinking feeling fell over me. Had I been doing this with men in my life? Constantly switching them out, or testing them, overplaying them until I can flip the dial and find something new and exciting? Pattern. Repeat.

Then I had all of those emotional feeling bad about myself feelings where I felt like an evil, monstrous woman who treated men like the next best song on the radio. After a few seconds of self-directed criticism, I began to think deeper.

What is this need for instant gratification now? It's saturated every aspect of our lives, including our relationships with people. I look at my parents and they grew up in a small town, so options of meeting people were far more limited than they are now. And they are madly in love! So why is it that our generation as ALLLLLLL of these endless options of finding someone they "connect" with, yet divorce rates are higher, relationships end quicker, people are serial daters and the list goes on and on.

So to continue with the music metaphors/analogies, why can't the partners we seek be more like our favorite CD that we always go back to, regardless of how many times we've listened to it like Nas' Illmatic, or Biggie's Ready to Die or insert your own title here. Or better yet, to keep the variety, why can't it be your favorite mixtape/cd? The one in which you've compiled all of your all time favorite songs into one collaborative genius masterpiece suited just for you and your tastes.

Maybe that's what I'm endlessly searching for. Not just the man who has the best song at that current moment, but rather the man who has learned my own unique compilation that I never get tired of.

Third Date Syndrome

So my guy friends are my infinite source of people who tell me what I do wrong. Particularly with dating. But my really good guy friends don't point out what I do wrong, they just merely point out what I do, since apparently I'm basically drowning in the sea of dating that sometimes I cannot even see my own sad dating patterns. Therefore, the coining of "Kassandra's 3rd Date Syndrome" was inspired by my chronic, one strike, two strikes you're out rule.

Let me explain...

Typically, when a man asks me out, I will say yes. I do this simply because I think it takes a lot of courage for a man to put himself out therefore in front of a woman who he may or may not know, but he wants to take the risk of asking her if he can get to know her better by simply asking for one evening of her time. Call me a sucker, but every woman loves to be asked out by a random stranger or someone she secretly has a crush on because simply said, it's attention. Aimed at you. So, I will usually go on a first date with someone, pending any strange occurrences/personality traits that may prevent me from doing so. This would include men who work in "retail" (see a few posts down...), men who I know are only interested in sex, men who have tried to hit on my friend in front of me (see a few posts down as well...), and I'm sure there's other strange things I could list based on prior experience, but then that would ruin the future fun of reading my blog posts now wouldn't it?

So, I'm a firm believer that no one is "truly" themselves on a first date. As Americans and general human beings, we're very big on first impressions. Therefore, we usually try our best to put on a good show for someone we're interested in. Plus, first dates are usually fairly tense, especially if they are blind dates, or online dates where you're meeting someone face to face for the first time. It's nervewracking and it'll make any grown adult run for cover. Therefore, the second date is key.

If I go on a date with someone and I'm attracted "enough" and interested "enough" meaning I didn't want to stab my eyes out from boredom or throw a brown paper bag over the guy, then I will give them the second shot. Usually second dates are more low-key. You know what/who to expect when you open the door, it's not that "surprise-I-look-nothing-like-my-picture" look. Instead it's that "Ahh...I remember you. Let's see what you're really like." So, word of advice for women, always go somewhere you can talk, one-on-one with a guy for the second date. A coffee shop, a park, bar, whatever. Any place that you can dig deep. Attraction, or at least semi-attraction got you this far, it's the personality that will keep you, so make sure it's there.

Unfortunately, the second date is where I get stuck. I apparently have super-extraordinary expectations for men's personality. I have found a few men that I truly connect on that mental level. A man that can discuss relevant issues, discuss his life with vibrance and can make me laugh so hard that it hurts. It takes a lot, and I know this. So the bar is high due to these few men that have encountered my life, so I know the odds are against me more often than not. However, once you have that mental/spiritual connection with someone where they just seem to "get" you, it's impossible to forget. Therefore, I'm usually disappointed by second dates.

Some men I've gone out with just turn out to not be as interesting as I thought. Or they are men who think they are interesting, in fact, they think they're the ONLY interesting thing, so that's all they talk about. More often than not though second dates with guys that I've dated simply just don't move past the initial "sparks" phase. Many times you look at someone and you think, "Ok, not it for the relationship zone, but he's a good guy." That's usually what happens. I meet good, decent men. However, there's not enough there to keep me engaged. And I know if I'm not engaged or at least curious, then, well...boredom sinks in.

Now after reading these blog posts you would probably assuming that I'm a fairly confident, strong-willed woman (or at least I hope you think flattering thoughts like that). However, this is one of the rare instances where I literally crawl back into grade school mode. See, I find it hard to tell a guy that there just wasn't something there. To make myself feel better I find it's better to get the guy to hate me, or walk away from me simply so he doesn't think I thought something was "wrong" with him. Because trust me, I know the wrong-ness is all on me. So...third date syndrome begins.

The guy will call, ask me out. I'm busy. He'll call to talk. Short responses. He'll message me online. I'll pretend I didn't see it. I'll half-heartedly make plans but then come up with a reason not to come, or just forget the plans and days go by. Awful. I know. Trust me, if I go to hell for anything, it may be this. I know it's "leading" someone on and I know I should just be upfront, but I just can't help it. I become this vague, mysterious, inaccessible woman. Which to me, should piss any man off for being so indifferent. However, men are odd, just like women are, and honestly this indifference keeps them running back for more. Finally, after months of trying, they walk away, and by then I've probably already had third date syndrome with 2-3 other men. And that is why I date often, but love little.

(Disclaimer: If you are an ex-second date man of mine, I apologize you found out this way...but please know it's me, not you that was wrong. And yes, feel free to call me a bitch. I probably deserve it.)

Swimming Pools versus Oceans

So last summer I was dating this guy Ben, and now we're good buddies. This blog post came to mind mainly because I just received a text from him saying he was in the city "with the wifey". Ben had become my single buddy in crime over the past year. Him and I knew well enough not to actually go out to bars, clubs, etc. together because as Ben said it best, "You just don't take sand to the beach." However, we were always each other's counselors in terms of the myriad of crazy other single-somethings that we dated and Ben was always the first person to tell me exactly what I was doing wrong, and was always brutally honest about it. Trust me. If Ben wasn't such a good friend and I didn't trust his opinion he would have put me in tears at some of the things he's said. Either that or he would've gotten a slap in the face. But, more often than not he was right.

Anyways, I'm happy for Ben. Sort of. I feel lost now. My single buddy just moved into the land of couple-dom. The place I'm striving to be, but simply cannot manage to get there. I'm sure Ben will have a good explanation for me. Such as I'm naive, or I let people take advantage of me, or that I get too attached to a guy. All of which he's said to me before. Either way, I know I've made plenty of mistakes, but hopefully I've learned from most of them, and if I haven't, hopefully I find a man that just absolutely loves those flaws in my judgement.

Now the title of this blog post is probably confusing right now. But the text from Ben reminding me of a book he told me to read last summer called "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida. I highly recommend this book to men and women. Men, read it simply because it will help you realize your own individual purpose in life and women, read it because it will reaffirm that the way you communicate is not completely crazy.

This author, David Deida's basic underlying premise is that men and women alike either have a masculine, feminine or a mixture of both inner core. However, he is quick to state that the mixed core is usually very rare and that most of us learn towards one core or the other. And these cores should not be mixed up with gender or sex. I almost wish he came up with a different naming device simply because of the loaded nature of terming something masculine or feminine. Regardless, that's his premise. And based on what type of core you have, you are attracted to someone who has the opposite core of what you have. Then he goes on to describe some scenarios which I thought to be quite telling of interactions between men and women.

My favorite analogy/observation in the book was regarding the way men and women communicate. Deida said that the best way to describe it is that when men speak, they mean what they say. When women speak, they mean what they say in that moment. Men, how many times has a woman said in the heat of an argument "I hate you!". Probably more often than you'd like to admit right? Well simply put, that's what she was feeling that split second moment of time. It's rare that you will hear a man in the middle of an argument simply burst out that sentiment. Mainly because men tend to think out what they say more. To men, their word is their life, so they are very careful with their words. To women, their emotions are their life, so their words reflect their inner emotions.

Now don't jump to any weird sexist conclusions in that women are emotional and men are straightforward and strong. That's not the point of this analogy. No one will disagree that men and women communicate differently. To me, this was the best description of that discrepancy in communication that I have heard up to this day.

The other analogy that Deida used was in terms of swimming pools and oceans (hence the title of the blog...I promised there was a reason). Because men do not really know how to communicate their emotions, they tend to compartmentalize women's words/feelings, or as Deida says, they treat their emotions like a swimming pool. In reality though, women's words and emotions are more like the ebb and flow of the ocean. They are expanse and come and go with no real pattern or rhyme, or reason. But they are there and they are constantly flowing back and forth, side to side and all around. Simply put, you cannot contain a woman's emotions, and as a man you should respect and understand a woman's intuitive nature to let her emotions guide her life. So see women, we're not nuts.

Now men, this is not to say that you should bow down to every emotion that a woman goes through. Deida also believes that sometimes the emotional rollercoasters that us women put you on are simply tests, or challenges. A good woman, a woman that loves you, will challenge you, will inspire you to become a better man.

However, women need to heed this advice as well. Do not settle for a man that will not inspire and challenge you to become a better woman day after day. Women, I know we are strong and can inspire and challenge our ownselves, but there is something amazing about the way a man can gently challenge and urge you to better yourself for yourself. If you find a man like that, don't ever let him go. Constantly challenge each other day in and day out so that you are always in constant evolution. This way, you will never be bored in your relationship, simply because you are evolving into new, beautiful and different person daily.

Why are you single?...and other great questions

Apparently there are only a few pressing questions that cross a man's mind when they are asking someone for a date. Right up there with 'what's your favorite color?' and 'Do you like the Yankees or the Mets?' comes the question, "So, why are you single?"

Ok, let me take a deep breath before I vent on this one, because even seeing the question gets my agitated side going. And...exhale.

Normally when I see that question some smart answer comes into my head. However, I find it hard to be completely bitchy to someone I don't particular know. (Oh who am I kidding...that's never stopped me.) Hence the blank stares and wide eyes when I provide these gentlemen with a less than anticipated response to their question.

I'm sure more polite women would say some sugar-coated answer like "Oh, I just haven't found the right man for me" (when she knows full well she met a good man before, she just blew it with him) or "I just got out of a bad relationship and just started dating" (lies...you've been dating for years now, and a bad date last week doesn't count as your last 'bad relationship'). Either way, women tend to skirt around this question more than they do the 'how much do you weigh' question. Either way, this, much like the weight question forces women to examine and critique their favorite person in the whole world...themselves!

Hopefully men don't realize what they are doing when they ask this question (if they do, then shame on us for playing!). Simply because women will rarely, if ever, put the blame on themselves. Displacing blame is our favorite activity in the world, because it makes us look shiny and beautiful since we never have to take the full brunt of the dents in life. Therefore, the reason we are single, is never, and I mean never, our fault. It's always the wrong man, the wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong circumstance and ultimately the wrong universe that caused our unfortunate single-hood. Got it? Ok, now that you are forewarned to not believe any of the reasons I may give simply because of my gender's flaw of never admitting when we're wrong, you can't say I didn't tell you so.

However...bottomline is this. Why am I single? Honestly, if I knew that answer, I probably wouldn't be single now would I? If I knew every trick at being fabulous and knew where all of the fabulous, absolutely one-of-a-kind, perfect for me in all ways man was, then I wouldn't be single. Unfortunately I am not a deity. (Go ahead, breathe a sigh of relief. I just did too). Therefore, the answer "I don't know." is absolutely sufficient. Because reality is, as women we DON'T know! This is probably one of the only things we don't know by the way, just so we're clear on that one. And the reason why we don't know is mainly because a lot of us women don't even really know what we want from a man.

Now men, that doesn't mean we don't have ideas of what we want. We do. Trust me, most women have their wedding day planned, if that doesn't show you what kind of ideas we have then I don't know what will. Either way, the fact is, as women many of us grew up with this sensationalized version of what falling in love and being in a long committed relationship truly is. You'd think though after women have been in at least one long term relationship they would realize that the butterflies and weak in your knees feeling coupled with this yearning and longing for another person is not ideal. Yes, it happens and yes it's re-kindled from here to there. But for the most part, any good long term relationship is about comfort. The comfort that someone can provide simply by being themselves and being near you. As much as I would like to believe that love is equivalent to passion, in some moments it is. But the giant overaching theme to love, real love, as I have learned is summed up in this quote (which sadly enough I read on a picture frame being sold at Kohl's the other day...)

"To love someone is to learn the song that is in that person's heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten."

You can't get a better explanation that that. Simply it's that person that reminds you of who you are and what you can become in life. So men, instead of asking a woman why she hasn't found the person that has learned her song, take a bold step. Ask her what the first note of that song is.

It could have only gone up from here...Right?

When you date online you typically receive some of the same standard questions, such as what do you do, what do you enjoy doing, why are you single (another blog about this dumb question to be added soon by the way...) and the ultimate kicker, what's your worst and best date ever?



Well, since I haven't really had a first date that has actually completely blown me away (because I'd probably be with that person don't you think?) then I'm going to indulge you with some of my favorite "Best of Kassandra's Dating Disaster". I'm sure most of you will be laughing at me (not with me) after reading this, and then some of you, namely my mom will shake their head and wonder how her bright, charming and seemily intelligent daughter could have been led astray so far. (Sidebar: I really hope my mom doesn't read this because if she did, she'd never let me go out on a date by myself again. She'd personally hire some strange bodyguard type person to ensure I have my mace self-defense skills honed.)



Ok, so as most women in the NY/NJ metro area have learned is that good men usually are not found in bars. Yet all of us know at least ONE friend who met their husband at a bar or club so we secretly hold out hope that one evening when we're out some good looking stranger will stroll up to us, charm our socks off and become the future father of our children. I'm slowly learning that when it comes to women and dating mistakes it's like a five year old child and a hot stove. Your mom will always tell you "Don't touch the stove it's hot." But simply because 1) we don't care what mom says and 2) we want to learn ourselves, we usually end up touching the stove. Much like most women end up giving men their phone number at the club, knowing full well he's no good.



And on with Best of the Worst 3rd place Winner...



Sometimes it's hard to hear what men in the club are talking about when they are screaming in your ear over the loud thumping hip hop music. So as a woman in denial sometimes I'll casually act like I didn't hear what I thought I heard, though I know full well that man just said something stupid enough to get him slapped.

So one night, I was out with some of my guy friends who usually casually drop me like a bad habit once I get them in the club (since we all know it's a cardinal rule, if you're a herd of dudes, bring a lady...one with big boobs won't hurt you either and it's instant access to the club, hence my perpetual wing-woman status). Either way, I'm out on the dance floor doing my thing, thinking I'm looking pretty cute shaking my hips and tossing my hair around. (Here's a hint men, you know when a woman is flirting with you when she gives you "the eyes". You all know what I'm talking about) However, don't confuse "the eyes" with it's similar bed cousin "the stay the hell away from me eyes". The key to knowing the difference is whether or not a woman holds your gaze until you look directly at her or if she quickly looks the other way. If she quickly looks the other way she's only eyeing you because she's making sure she's doing all in her power to stay the hell away from you, so she's got you in her sights to avoid and potential accidental interaction. Got it?

Anyways, back to the story. So, I'm dancing and one particuarly fella got the eyes confused. Just to give you a mental picture the guy is about oh 2 inches taller than me...and I'm short and he's wearing one of those damn hoodies that I can't stand. You know, those crazy hoodies that came out that have all of those jacked up patterns on and looks like something you would've worn if you were 10 and grew up in the 80's. Those hoodies make me cringe. Oh and I must mention the giant pieces of fake gold around his neck as well as the $5 sunglasses from Walmart, and the giant jacked up smile. Got him in mind? Now you can understand the "stay the hell away from me eyes". So I'm casually keeping this guy in my sights simply to avoid crossing paths are walking near him. But...I lost track of him at one point. So I'm dancing thinking nothing of the matter, all the while drinking more (Hint: no more drinking when your guy friends go incognito on you). So all of a sudden I feel this guy come up behind me and start grinding on me. (Because apparently "asking" a lady to dance is out of the question up here). So I'm about 4 redbull and vodkas in, so I go along with it. Then I hear in my ear...

"Hey baby...your ass looks real sexy tonight. Can you give me your number?"

Dumbass me gives it to him.

Next day...

Random Dude: "Hey, it's me ___ (name deleted to protect the innocent) from the club last night. "
Me: (Awkwardness) "Oh hey how are you?"
Random Dude: "Good ma, good." (SIDEBAR: I HATE being called 'ma')
Me: "Ok, so what do you do for a living?"
Random Dude: "Oh, I work in 'retail'." (Quotes are there for a purpose)

So, he works in retail? Yes, a 30 year old man in retail. And note, he's not the only "retail" worker I've encountered. I met about 3 of them over a 2 month period at the club. Turns out "retail" is code word for "Oh, I sell drugs for a living and tell unsuspecting women at the club that I work in retail so they won't know any better". Let's just say I found this out the hard way...

Best of the Worst Runner Up

My friend Kate is one of a kind. Anytime Kate and I get together, dumb stuff happens. Real dumb stuff. Sometimes the stuff that happens to Kate sounds so absurd that most people would not believe half of the things that happen to her. However, I have witnessed half of these odd events, so yes dumb stuff happens to Kate, and me when I'm with Kate.

So it was New Year's Eve...maybe about a month after my ex and I had broken up. Therefore, I figured it would be the perfect time for a Kate and Kassandra adventure. So, to start our evening Kate and I drive to Louisville, KY for a house party (Kate lives in Lexington, KY and Louisville is about an hour from Lex). We get all the way to Louisville and we're at this awful house party of one of her friends. Around 10:30pm we decide to leave. So Kate starts texting this guy she had been seeing. He says he's going to bring a friend with him since Kate brought me. Perfect.

So, we get back to Lexington anxiously awaiting the arrival of our gentlemen company for the evening. In walks Kate's man, good looking kid. Then...in walks "Smooth". And no that's not a codename...that was seriously the name he said when he introduced himself. Trust me, nothing could be more unsmooth about this kid.

Kate and her man wander back to her bedroom to do God knows what, and so Smooth sits next to me on Kate's couch. I know Kate really likes that guy, so I figured I would take one for the team tonight and be a good sport. Smooth didn't make it easy. Series of questions from Smooth goes like this: (my answers in italics)

1. What's your name? Kassandra
2. Where are you staying tonight? My hotel room.
3. Can I sleep there with you? Get me drunk enough and we will see.

So after that interesting interaction, Kate comes back out. Gameplan was Smooth and his boy were going to hit up a party then meet us at this particular club. Fair enough. Kate and I head to the club. Midnight comes. No show. 1am comes. No show. 2am...closing time. No show. By now, Kate is pissed. Me, I'm relieved.

Smooth calls. Kate answers. Smooth says him and his boy are coming by to Kate's apartment in an hour. Knock on the door. It's Smooth. Only Smooth. Perfect. Kate goes to her room for something. Smooth heads in for the kill...

"So, can I come back with you to your hotel and make sweet love all night to you?"

NO!

Seeing his efforts fail, Smooth smoothly follows Kate back to her bedroom. 2 minutes later Smooth leaves the apartment. Curious I ask Kate what the hell happened. She said, oh he tried to throw some line at me like he's sorry things didn't work with me and his friend so he wanted to see if I wanted to sleep with him...

Wow. Two friends in one night? Real smooth...

Needless to say, Smooth probably didn't get any that New Year's.

And the finale of them all...Best of the Worst 1st Prize Winner

So last summer I started talking to this guy, and I will use his real name because he deserves to have his face smeared all over the place. His name is Damian. (Could be a codename, not sure, he could've lied about that as well). He tells me that he's a photographer and that he used to do photography from Arista records. I saw some of his work on his myspace, seemed legit. So I met him for dinner. While we were at dinner he was talking about how he needed to hire a new assistant. So, I offered up the name of one of my mutal friends who had just moved to the city. (She was the roommate of a friend I went to school with and hadn't found a steady job yet). So I figured this would be perfect! I gave him her number and that was that.

So the next day he calls and says he paid my friend a visit since he wanted to explain the job to her in person and meet her. Ok...odd but ok. So he said after he was done talking to her he was headed out to my place. Fine. He arrives at my apartment I let him in, as he's getting settled my friend from grad school calls. Phone conversation paraphrased below:

Grad Friend: "Do you have company right now?"

Me: "Yes, why?"

Grad Friend: "Walk into another room."

Me: "Ok...what's up?"

Grad Friend:"I just wanted to let you know what kind of company you are keeping. So Damian came over to talk to my roommate and well, hate to break it to you, but he's not a 'photographer'. He actually came and handed my roommate a set of checks and a fake license and said, if you take these to the bank down the street there and cash these out, I'll give you $500."

Me:"Shit."

I walk out to my living room and I said (and forgive the coarse language, but it was deserved) "Get the fuck out of my apartment."

He did. And now I am scarred for life.

Dating Outside the Online

I consider myself a pioneer of sorts in the online dating world. When I was 14 years old I had my first online boyfriend. He lived in Utah, I lived in Ohio, we met once and that was for his senior prom. This also adds to my case that my mom is partially crazy since she had no issues with her daughter talking to a stranger who happened to be a 17 year old Mormon out in Utah. Add that one to the counseling file later in life as well.

I just always found it much easier to date people online, or at least find someone to date online. Part of this mentality in the beginning was my rampant insecurity of myself. I figured well I can just dazzle someone with my charismatic and endearing personality and then maybe that will compensate for my own self esteem and body issues when I met them in person. As the years progressed though I began to take better care of my body and became more confident in myself, however maybe some of those same insecurities are at bay and I'm in constant denial of the reason why I still brave through the drama of online dating.

Regardless, my new twenty-something reasoning for dating online...prescreening. Online dating is like having caller ID sometimes. You can see who's trying to talk to you, get a little information on them, see if they're cute, their education, job, etc. and if you aren't interested...you walk away. Or if they aren't interested in you...no harm, no foul.

However, one of my friends asked me this about what I considered to be my fabulous prescreening process. "Kassandra, don't you think that your 'prescreening' has made you into a window shopper, where you see all these 'ok' men, yet you never want to purchase one or get into a relationship with one of them, you just want to gaze at them and move onto the next window."

What an amazing analogy. Have I really become one of those women that are never satisfied because they keep looking for greener pastures on the other side? Part of me doesn't want to admit it, but maybe I have. I think a lot of times women have mental checklists about what type of man they expect to end up with. I'll raise my hand on that one. I can even think of online dating sites where I've actually listed that checklist as to not cause any confusion with the men approaching me.

Oftentimes I thought this was my way of circumventing unwanted attention from men I don't think I'll have any interest in. But what if I'm really just setting myself up for excluding that one man who may surprise me? Humbling thought to my pompous personality.

So how does a window shopper become a loyal customer? Where do I sign up for preferred membership with money saving coupons that will keep me coming back for more? I mean DSW has me hooked, why can't a man get me?

I would blame it on my internal ADD that I pretend doesn't occur in my head. I swear my mind is never on one track. For instance I'm writing this and also thinking in the back of mind about the cookies I was supposed to bake today. See...the train just jumped the track. But besides that, maybe I'm just like every other insecure woman in this world. I'm terrified of putting myself completely out there again.

Everyone has their own love baggage. Some can compartmentalize it into a nice neat carry-on bag, and others of us require an extra $150 at the ticket gate to check our mental bags over the required weight limit. Many say that time is the healer of all wounds, but sometimes I feel that finding love again may be my healer. Maybe the key to avoiding the continuous window shopping syndrome is to just open the damn door of the store and walk in...

Commuting is for Lovers

So, most people complain about their commutes in and out of the city. People commute to Manhattan from all over, whether it's from one of boroughs, NJ, Long Island, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, wherever...people usually know no distance when it comes to working in Manhattan. I am among the what I would consider bajillions of people who commute into the best city in the world.

However, unlike most people, I live for my commute. To me, nothing is better than seeing all of the new faces day in and day out. Looking at people and trying to examine their life story, creating my own tales of their struggles and aspirations. I'd like to believe that everyone in NYC has a story of why they are in NYC, whether it was by birth or by choice, people's history with being in NYC is utterly fascinating to me. NYC is just one of those places that regardless of where you are from, who you know, what your career path is or isn't, anyone can end up here. It's like being drawn to an undeniable magnetic force and once you're in, it's in you forever.

On my commute I also enjoy adding my own soundtrack to my daily bus and subway trips. My ipod ranges in mixes, but all of the complement my walk and my mood of the day. For instance, I woke up in a not so good mood the other week, so my music of choice was DMX's album, And Then There was X. To me, that's the best F U music out there. Definitely prepped me for my day. Then there was a day when I just wanted some good walking around NYC music, so I put on my mix of favorite John Legend songs. There's just something about his voice when you're walking in the city that just puts you at ease.

Now many people would argue that NYC has a soundtrack of it's own, which I whole-heartedly agree with. However...commuting has to be one of the quietest times of my day. Sitting on the bus, no one is talking (unless you have a rude busmate who ignores the no cell phone rule). And the subway, well it's the only other place besides an elevator where so many people are crammed into a small cubic space and speak of nothing. The silence is sometimes so deafening to my outgoing personality that the ipod noise in my ears keeps me from talking to the nearest stranger on the subway (which would completely horrify my mom if I did).

So, on my commute in and out of the city I've come to notice a few different things...

• When I am at my bus stop in NJ, it always seems as if the last person to show up at the bus stop is always the person that jumps on the bus first, and on days where God wants a sense of humor that person will take the last seat on the bus, forcing me to stand the entire way into NYC.
• You should always try to sit in the window seat on the bus, simply for safety reasons. I can't even count how many women trudge through with 5 or 6 handbags filled with God knows what and pounds you on the side of the head as they walk by.
• Even worse is if you get stuck with an aisle seat and the bus becomes standing room only. It's almost a 99% chance that I'll get stuck with some random dude giving me a crotch height view (apparently men don't ever feel the need to stand facing forward, instead they would rather nearly teabag an unsuspecting lady).
• Once we get to Port Authority, apparently all kindergarten manners such as waiting your turn magically disappears. People in the back of the bus are in such a hurry to be the first ones off the bus, so they cram their way to the front and stand in the aisle thus throwing off the whole system of letting out one row at a time.
• Tourists really should only be allowed in the bus/train stations between the hours of 10am and 4pm and anytime after 8pm. The rush in the morning is huge...people pushing, walking fast, passing people on their left and right. And well, tourists unfortunately get trampled. (Yes, New Yorkers can identify tourists simply based on how slow you are walking, so fit in. Walk fast).
• Holding doors for ladies apparently died in the Northeast long before I came up here. It took me awhile to get used to the heavy doors leading to the subway from Port Authority hitting me face first. To avoid this, I've simply learned to walk with my hand out in front of me at a distance when I'm approaching that door. (To really throw off a New Yorker, especially a male New Yorker...hold this door for them. I can't even count how many "Wow, thank you" or gasps from shock there has been.)
• As you walk through the subway passageway underground at Port Authority (which has to be the worst invention in construction design ever by the way) I have noticed a few things...1) Apparently it's a hotbed for evangelists. My favorite one I think only preaches MWF though. 2) Everytime I round the corner to head down the ramp of terror (if you take this passageway you know what I mean...especially you ladies in the high heels), it smells like urine. Everyday. 3) There is some magical escalator that I have yet to find that transports people to the NRQW train whereas I'm too ignorant to find it, so I carry myself, my 20lb laptop bag and my 5lb purse up 5 flights of stairs.
• It's an ingrained habit for all New Yorkers commuting on the subway line to come down the steps, figure out which side their train is coming on, and then poke their head out on the tracks to see if their train is coming. Without fail, everyone does it. It's like seeing someone yawn forces you to yawn. When someone pokes their head out, we all do...it's like we're little groundhogs.
• Being on the subway is like being in my sociology laboratory. It's the best for people watching. The characters on there always make me smile...I hope that doesn't get me beat up one of these days.

Overall, my commute is much like the city. Interesting and yet it has all of these odd little annoyances, but you still love it all the same.

Sage dating advice from Mom...and Oprah.

If you have not had the pleasure of meeting my mother in person, or at least have heard me speak about her, then you're in for a treat. My mom is an amazing woman, was always there for me, and my parents have to be one of the most in love couples I have ever met. Their personalities complement each other so well it's uncanny. Literally my parents are one of the only reasons I continue on the conquest of finding the right mate, since I know it's possible...they obviously found it in each other.

My mother, is probably one of the most interesting characters in my life. I can only hope that I put my own daughter through the same craziness one day. For most of my mom's adult life she was a stay at home mom (which I am forever grateful for, since she was always around to help my brother and I with random things). Unfortunately, this translated into a deep love for all things Oprah. Hence, most of my advice from my mother is prefaced by the statement "You know what I saw on Oprah today..."

So, I'm used to receiving phone calls from my mother on a weekly basis in which there is some reference to my dating life. (Even though my mom claims she can never keep up with my many dates, she seems perpetually interested in them.) My mom's new thing with her dating advice is to make sure that I don't die of some awful disease (since she apparently thinks that one date with someone equals sex with them). So, she's always on the up and up on every single STD or protective device, via Oprah's breadth of knowledge. Therefore, my mom has felt the need leave me with this advice every weekend "Don't sleep with any strangers". Not anything like "Be Safe" or "Don't get mugged", just the underlying mom tone of "Try not to be slutty this weekend". Thanks Mom.

Then again this is the same mom who when I broke up with my ex and I flew back home from NJ to Ohio she left the very endearing gesture of a book on my bed. Until I read the title... my mom had bought me a book entitled "He's Just Not That Into You". Thanks for the boost of self-esteem mom, I'll be sure to mention that later when I'm sure to be in counseling from being traumatized by all the Oprah-isms.

Chivalry dead? Was it ever alive?

Ok, this has to be one of my biggest complaints about men, especially up on the East Coast. Sorry, I am allowed to make that claim since I have lived in the Midwest and the South and this really is only a trend up here in the Northeast...so get over it.

Anyways, back to my point. Where is chivalry? The courting a woman, taking her to a nice restaurant, a play, a park, the neighborhood cafe, hell anywhere other than your black leather couch in your bachelor pad. I cannot even count the amount of dates where the effort of putting together a first date was comparable to the effort my 7th grade boyfriend used when he would casually stroll by my locker before our first class.

Honestly, I make so many decisions in my daily life when it comes to work and my own daily habits that I am mentally exhausted by the time it comes to the question from a man "So what do you want to do?". Men...word of advice, don't EVER ask a woman that. Show initiative and plan something. Literally the minute a man asks me to make a decision about how he should spend his money on a date with me is the moment I've mentally checked off the idea that I now have complete and utter control. Contrary to most men's belief, that control is not something most women want. As long as we can control our OWN lives, that's usually enough for our daily schedules. So do yourself a favor and figure out what type of date I would be interested in.

Now, men, figuring out what type of date to go on...that's the trick. So don't lose me here. Stick with me. Golden information is about to ensue. Here's the trick to figuring out the "type" of date a woman wants...ready? Here it is...listen. I know you've heard that before, but it's true. Women have this uncanny knack of never directly stating exactly what it is they want. Part of it is uncertainty with what a woman wants, but the really smart women drop "hints" simply to see if you are PAYING ATTENTION. Men that pay attention, usually are asked for second, third, fourth, etc. dates. Really our code is not that hard to follow. For instance, here's an interaction, let's see if you can read between the lines and pay attention to what "type" of date I was asking for.

Kassandra: "Oh I absolutely love sports! I've never been to a game up here though since I grew up in Ohio."
Clueless Bachelor:"Yeah I'm a huge Knicks fan, I go to a lot of games. You know what, we should meet up for dinner before I go to this Saturday's game with my friend."

Seriously? Let's review. I said I love sports (which should be ANY man's fantasy). Secondly, I said I've never been to a game. Now wouldn't that be a perfect opportunity to say, wow I have an opportunity to make this a memorable first experience for this woman, something she'll always remember as her "first Knicks game". So, blunder number one, not picking up on the "hint" to take me to a game. Blunder number two, you just told me I wasn't worthy of your entire evening, but only useful as a pre-meet before your super awesome fun night with your friend. Way to make a woman feel amazing. And he wondered why I said no?

Either way, men have really gone off the track in terms of putting out the effort to make a first date a memorable experience for a woman. To this day, people in my parent's generation can remember their first dates to the tea, including what they wore, what movie they saw and how the entire evening went. I could barely tell you the first and last name of the guy I went on a date with the other week because it was so unmemorable.

Showing effort to women is almost a guarantee that they will respect you, regardless of your awkward first date traits such as sweating, stammering and forgetting to pull out her chair at dinner. And yes, we notice the ones who took some planning with their first date.

So fellas, keep the chivalry alive. Spend a little bit more money than the $20 you were planning on dropping at Chili's, or even get creative and do something FREE...Central Park or Battery Park is perfect to just walk around and get to know someone. You may thank me later.

Life and Love in the City

So oftentimes I'm asked two questions by all of my friends near and far...

1. What's it like working in the city?
2. How is your dating life?

This blog, will help address and alleviate (well, probably more like reaffirm your constant fears) of my life in the city...and it's outskirts of it's red-headed stepchild, NJ. So let me catch you up to speed on what brought me to this point so far.

I grew up in a small town in Ohio, ironically called Defiance. Maybe that's how my stubborn and resilient personality developed over these years. I went to school in Kentucky and as the years progressed and I meandered up to the East Coast for grad school and I've been single for the last year and a half. (Though I swear it's been longer).

Since I've been single my dating life has been well, interesting to say the least. Many of my friends have begged me to write down my dating experiences simply to share in the good humor of my apparent lack of social judgment when it comes to meeting the perfect mate. So here it is, uncensored and candid to the best of my ability. Though many of my friends would agree it doesn't take much for me to be too candid.

So, please enjoy my wandering thoughts and I hope in my efforts to lay my single heart out on the line I will find someone that will cease my relentless ramblings and force me to write blogs full of puppies and rainbows...