Random Absence

Wow...so I just realized I haven't posted on here in well, awhile. My sincerest apologies to you few stalkers that notoriously peruse my blog :) (By the way, no idea if I have stalkers or not, I just thought it would give my blog a bit more credibility if I said I did).

So I feel like I've been going through an extremely dry spell. Maybe it's the weather change and hormones are packing up for the winter, so the prowl of single men in NYC is coming to a standstill. Or, it could be the abysmal economy and men are too broke to take a girl on a date (I know I make daily decisions between my bus pass and groceries). Or an even more frightening possibility is that I've dated every eligible, tolerably creepy man the tri-state area has to offer. (God I hope not, because then this blog will get VERY boring).

My true and honest opinion though is the dry spell is more my fault than anything. I noticed I'm becoming continually bored with online dating. I'm sure the guys sending me 3 paragraph mini-novelas about their lives are truly fascinating, but I can't help but roll my eyes at the repetitve questions. I mean hell, even the profile pictures are strarting to blend into one bad collage of typical online photographs. (Oh, you know what I'm talking about too...you know the "Here's me without a shirt on" or the "Look at my adorable puppy picture" or "Hey, see I really do have friends! Picture") I'm becoming bored...and I hate that. If you know me, you know that boredom leaves me with idle time, which means I become dangerously unproductive and unamusing.

Hopefully things will pick up here soon...Christmas is coming, so maybe Santa will give me a nice gift in the male form.

Oh! I almost forgot that I did learn something in my brief sabbatical. Over the summer I did a belated spring cleaning of sorts on my phone. Basically I tossed out any number deemed irrelevant to my life. (Namely men I've been on bad dates with). So then of course I realized that men really do think women play "hard to get" and that my ignoring them totally means that I want to sleep with them. Therefore, I start getting all of these texts from numbers that are no longer conveniently labeled in my phone. So, of course being the brilliant woman that I am, I will text back "Who's this?" and typical response is "Oh hey it's (insert bad date's name). We went on a date and then you never called me." Sounds like a rhetorical response should have been rendered upon them sending the text. But nope...the ignoring cycle viciously whipped back around. However, I did learn to store the "really crazy" bad dates name in the phone simply so I could screen the texts/phone calls and not make the mistake of giving them a legit reply.

Bring on the dates!

Purging of Comforts

Ok, so I meant to write this one a long time ago when I had the epiphany for this particular post on my commute into the city one day. So, forgive me if it's not as fabulous as I originally intended it to be.

So, if you know me, you know that I tend to value my sleep. Which means I have perfectly planned my mornings in a manner such that I wake up at the last possible moment with the least amount of time to get ready and get out the door to make it to the office by 9am. Unfortunately, there are mornings where I hit snags. Such as I can't find anything to wear, or I can't find my Nine West right heel. Either way, sometimes it leaves me with running out the door without breakfast, or if I do eat something it's maybe something small like a banana. This then means on my way to work I torture myself with the debate of "Well, do I REALLY need that bagel and cream cheese? Or should I be good and get the fruit and low-fat yogurt?" I'll admit about 99% of the time, the bagel wins. (But to justify, or at least rectify my guilt I'll get a cup of fruit to accompany it). Call bagels my comfort food. In New York, they are always there. Any time of the day you can find a bagel. It's that familiar thing I can always go to. It's like my version of man's best friend, except mine comes in a carbohydate form rather than a furry dog form.

Relationships I have with people in my life are similar to my "food comforts". We all have those comforts in our lives, those things that we always cling to, or run towards when we've run out of options, or when we just need a sense of something familiar, thus making it a comfort. Sometimes we cling to that comfort because we're scared of trying something new (I mean, scones are an option right?). But as humans and creatures of habit, we love reliability and familiarity. I mean that's what being an adult is right? Stability. Strength. Reliable. Resourceful. Ok that sounds like a car commercial now. However, I think this clingy-ness to comfort keeps us from moving forward sometime.

I mean take the bagels for instance. I have been trying for ages it feels like to lose a few pounds before Halloween, but those damn bagels! If I could remove them, purge myself of their comfort, I could move forward with my goal. Much like if I could purge myself of comforts I have with people in my life, I could move forward in becoming a better more loving person. Instead, the comforts allow us to "blame" something other than ourselves for the impeding.

So, I suppose the take-away lesson learned from this post is that purging of comforts is good for the soul. It allows you to broaden, to become a more open individual. One that doesn't just hope for comforts, but welcomes the uncomforts of life because those may eventually turn into future comforts.

Angry Cry of Entitlement

Ok, this is not going to be a pleasant post, so read at your own discretion. This will be more of a soul cleansing of sorts...a proverbial skeletons out of the closet post to clear my head and my heart for good.

So, as I sat basking in the wedding mist of yesterday, I cannot help but sit here today going through some mental anguish of what might/should have been. 4 years ago I never would have thought I would have become this fairly bitter and decidedly awful dater who cannot seem to make it past three dates with a guy before getting bent out of shape for some reason. I mean it's been two years for God's sake. What is holding me back? Me. My anger.

I cry in pure anger with myself with a sense of entitlement of the promises he made to me so long ago. Promises of loyalty, of honesty of love...and it was treated with disrespect and brought so much pain to my heart. I know that eternally there will always be this spot in my heart that will harbor both hate and love for this person because he's the only one that could have hurt me so bad because I loved him more than my heart would bear that the weight of his indiscretions collapsed a part of my hope...my fancy...my essence.

He had my heart...all of it. And for those who know me well know that does not come easy. My life has been built to protect me. Everything I done has been planned just so that I would come out seemingly unscathed. Not the best mentality I know since the bruises and scars of life make us the people we are. I developed a strength, a simple resistance to protect myself with this thin veil of confidence and hope. Unfortunately that veil was not reality.

As I sit here at age 26, I cannot help but look at my friends who are married, now some with kids who married the men they were destined to be with. I was supposed to be part of them. It's just like being picked last for gym class or something. Where everyone is pairing up together and soon enough I'm going to be the only one standing.

I fear that the damage has run its course on my soul. That there will always be this imperfect damage...a battle scar of sorts that is probably from one of the biggest wars of my life. It was the war of love. A war that I believe I fought valiantly for...but like any soldier from war, I left with bruises, with a different outlook and more often than not...came home a bit homesick. But I'm coming home. Back to me. Back to my essence. Because no one can take that from me.

I know that this particular person will read this and will either be completely angry at me or he'll finally understand a bit of the pain I still feel to this day and why on some days it just helps my heart heal a little bit by hearing an encouraging word from him. He is a good man. A good good man. And the woman who captivates his heart once again is forever blessed. God shined on us as long as He possibly could, and it was all for a reason. I pray for his happiness daily because my heart is always carrying a piece of me with him. I just hope that he says those same prayers for me.

Ok...I think I am done with my angry cry. The tears have now moved to tears of relief...tears that are more cleansing than anything for even though I feel damaged on the inside, the damage is what makes me Kassandra, and it's inevitably my imperfections that allow for love to exist.

Wedding Afterglow

So let me first start off by apologizing for not writing in a bit. Personal life, outside of the dating world has been quite hectic with switching jobs, etc. (Even though I'm not sure I have a large enough core audience to warrant an apology, but I'll pretend I've amasked thousands of readers and thus the need to apologize for my absence.)

The afterglow of weddings...I just recently came back from one of my good friend Edwin's wedding just now and I must say it was one of the better weddings I've attended. Very beautiful location and nice ceremony, so I'm extremely happy for him. But like many women, let me re-phrase that. Like many single women (that's better) who attend weddings, I will admit, I catch a case of wedding fever. Yes I'm guilty of spending 90% of my Sundays glued to WEtv watching the plethora of wedding shows like Bridezillas and Platinum Weddings, but there just is nothing quite like seeing a wedding in person.

I'm not a super emotional person, but something about a wedding that just gets to you. And the best part of an entire wedding is not the party, not the great food, but honestly...it's simply looking at the groom's face the first moment he sees his bride walk down the aisle. Which today was particularly funny because I was looking at my friend Edwin to catch the tears glimmering and he caught me looking and waved. I about died. haha. Either way...the look in his face when he saw his future wife walk down the aisle was priceless. A man's first glimpse of his future, his life, his destiny is something that I honestly crave to experience. It's one of those rare instances in life where nothing else matters but the brief moment of feeling you have when you see someone you love and care for in a different perspective. Because let's be honest, that's the very first moment that guys thing "Wow, that's my wife...and she's absolutely beautiful."

So, this is a sentimental post more or less simply stating that no one should settle for anyone less than someone who looks at them on their wedding day with a look full of hope, passion and love. A picture perfect moment that will last throughout all time.

Stop looking and it will come?

Yes the question mark is there to mark my skepticism. I cannot even count on my two hands and two feet how many people have just told me the sage wisdom of "Don't look for it, let it come to you." Bleh. That was me vomiting.

Is it really true that magically if you just obliterate the idea of finding a happy settled down life with an incredible handsome, charming and painstakingly romantic and strong man, that he'll just come rolling into your life or spot you across the platform at the subway station and fall madly in love with you? Ok, so maybe that's hyper-idealized, but you get the point.

Now I'm not one to question fate, because it has worked it's strange magic in my life. (If you know the odd story of how my ex and I met, then you will agree). But, maybe the Northeast mentality or the hardening of my skin based on experiences with men/people in general have caused me to develop this skeptical relationship with fate. Is it all it's cracked up to be?

Therefore, I'm beginning to realize that only part of that statement is true. Yes, when you stop looking things do suddenly appear. However, it does not mean you ever stop thinking about it, or imagining it or desiring it. I even had one friend who said "Kassandra, stop 'hoping' for it. Let it be." Why should I not hope for something so amazing in my life? Hope is the faith that better things will happen. So dammit I'm going to hope all I want. (I'm sure you've realized I'm stubborn by now).

So, my compromise is this. I will stop looking in the sense that I'm not going to put up a thousand online profiles about how fabulous I am and what I want in a man and telling men whether or not I think they fit that criteria. So in that sense, I'm retiring. I think the shopping aisle mentality of searching through men like they were trading cards is too exhausting for me. However, I am going to hope beyond hope that something rolls my way.

Instead of looking to other people to "find" something maybe the key to finding someone is to know and find who you yourself is as a person. Yes I know this is not "new" news. I've read it in plenty of self-help books and heard it from many friends and family. The whole "You can't be good enough for someone else if you're not good enough for you." Blah, blah, blah. I get it. However, I think it's not really a matter of being good enough, but rather the amazing confidence and happiness you find when you realize who the real you is. The person who wakes up with stinky breath and goes through about 10 outfits before she finds one that looks "just right". All your neurotic tendencies and fascinating charms and accepting them, whole-heartedly. That, I think is the key to finding someone.

When people know who they are, it is magnified to people. People really are inspired by others who are comfortable in their own skin, no matter how flawed or damaged that skin may be. And the best part of being comfortable with yourself is that when you find someone walks into your life while you are being you...then you know 100% that they fell in love with guess what?...YOU!

A Scientific Explanation on my Singleness

Ok, so to make all of us single women feel less bad about our singledom, now there is scientific evidence stating why we are single. Seriously? I cannot believe that the failure of women to find a mate has now been scientifically examined. For some reason I see this trend running the same lines as when back in the day men used to think that PMS was an unexplained psychotic hysteria that occurred in women. Now single-ness has become a scientific explanation...in women. I guarantee no one is wondering or studying why so many men lack the mental, physical and intellectual aptitude to carry a monogamous relationship with a woman. So obviously is MUST be the women that are the problem. Rant is complete.

All right, so let's dig into this article that was sent to me from one of my friends:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080813/sc_livescience/thepillmakeswomenpickbadmates

So the basic premise (if you just didn't feel the necessity to read the article) is that women who are on the pill choose less suitable mates for themselves because the pill artificially puts women's bodies in a pregnant state thus removing many of the odor seeking tendencies that women look for when finding a suitable mate. Awesome.

Therefore, the pill I take every day is forcing me to seek men with similar scents, which would equate to why I'm meeting so many uninteresting men, or unsuitable men. Perfect explanation. I'm going to blame the magic pill that keeps me from popping out more confused females into the world.

So for men, who may or may not know the wonderful side effects of being on the pill, we now have 3 major ones that are really starting to slow up my progress on finding my prince charming.

1. The pill makes you gain weight.
2. It lowers your sexual libido.
3. It apparently detracts you from finding the right man.

Those three things...well those are pretty big deals. Why are the odds so against us women? Why do men have the luxury of just throwing on a piece of latex (or lambskin) which really the only side effect (or so many men claim) is that "it doesn't feel the same" as being without one. Why don't condoms make men emotional? Or why don't they make it harder for them to get aroused? Or better yet why don't condoms keep them from getting with that hot girl at the bar that they are attracted to? Women instead get the short end of the stick.

Instead of a quick safety fix like men where all you do is unwrap the condom, but it on, use and throw away, women have to take a pill every day at the same time and are forced to "trick" their bodies into thinking they are already pregnant. Unfair, Unfair, Unfair! Yes I'm whining.

One of my friends challenged me to go off the pill for 6 months to see if I'd find my perfect man. I'm seriously considering it just to see if I can prove/disprove the scientists right. However that means well *ahem*, no ummm extracurricular activities. I'm sure you all got the hint there. I can certainly go without, but it is something to think about. I'll keep you updated.

In the meantime...please always practice safe sex whether you're monogamous or not. Stuff happens whether science has an explanation for it or not.

Why Sex Equates to Male Laziness

So upon my useless meanderings I've noticed a symptomatic pattern across men, both ones that I have encountered and ones that other female friends have experienced as well, so the validation is there. Even though this is a broad sweeping generalization, the premise is there. I'll get to that in a minute.

Ok, ladies. You are dating a wonderful man, he takes you to dinner, walks in the park, calls you to check on you, all of the things that really validate that this man is interested in YOU. All the attention that you have been seeking is now present in the man in hot pursuit of your sexiness. All is well, and then one night (or day...depending on your mood), all of the signs are right, you're both feeling good and you have sex. At that very moment all of the planets in the universe realign, east is now west, and your man has just captured his "Gotcha!" moment. This is the very instance that a man falls into 'routine'. Or if not routine, he at least moves to a bottom line comfort level. Hello complacency.

So, of course this is aggravating. All of sudden the cute little texts telling you how beautiful you are and how much he misses you turns into texts that say "I can't wait to do you all night long" (more often than not it's more vulgar than that). This is the point where a giant sigh of dismay is released and all of those NOOOOOOOS start screaming in your head. And I'm not too sure about most women, but this is the exact moment that my boredom sets in.

Men...women like being pursued, and once you have captured their attention, they still enjoy the feeling of being wanted of being needed by you...and NOT just in a sexual manner. (Yes. There is a difference.)

Now men, stop your groveling in the corner about how women just are never interested in sex, they aren't the lady in the street, freak between the sheets that you were silently hoping for. The reason why your lady is not as "interested" in sex as you wishes she was is because you stopped working for it. Plain and simple. We're vindictive like that, sorry. But trust me, this one is mostly subconscious workings here. Because men, here's a secret that not all women like to admit because it's like giving away a little bit of the power and control we have...but, yes we enjoy sex just as much as you do. *GASP* And yes, we talk about it just as much as you talk about it with your fellas. *DOUBLE GASP!*

So, word to the wise for both of the sexes here. Women...allow a man to pursue you. Stop these one night stands or random hookups that we're all guilty of. You all know that your dream relationship is not going to stem from one hazy night full of too many Redbull and Vodka's and a toss around in the sheets. So stop imagining that guy calling you back. Let a man woo you. He has it in him. If he's serious about you, he'll put in the work. That's when you know you have a good man, because a good man learned from someone in his life that women are Queens and should be treated as such. If he doesn't treat you well in the beginning ladies...he never will. Stop trying to think you can change him, that's not happening either.

Men, stop being so damn lazy. Women love to be intimate with you just as much as you love it as well. A simple replacement of your nasty text messages with something a bit more subtle will win you extra "perks" that night. Trust us. A woman will be more likely to carry a "Wow, you look absolutely amazing today and I am so blessed to be your man" through their entire day than a "Baby, I can't wait for you to get home so I can do you all night". As much as you wish the second was a turn on...she probably just got completely turned off. So realize the communication difference. (Women, this applies to you too. Men do enjoy the romance, but spice it up for him too. Make him feel wanted. If your man told you how beautiful you were...give him a little masculine "oomph" builder.)

You can thank me later.