Red Light, Yellow Light, Green Light... GO!

As I was driving through my 3 stoplight hometown I remembered reading about Stoplight parties in college. I will admit, I had never attended one of these events, but as I was driving I couldn't help but think, "Why can't real dating be like that?"

Now, if you are not familiar with stoplight parties, the basic premise is that you wear a bracelet around your wrist basically telling people at the party what you were looking for. Now I believe it was up to the discretion of the party thrower on what those designations were but the general gist was red=not looking, yellow=maybe after a few drinks you could convince me, and green=yes I'm ready to be laid tonight. I believe some intelligent junior highers developed a more sophisticated code with these parties and wore other coded type bracelets that indicated what sort of sexual acts they were willing to. Bravo public schools, bravo!

So yes, stoplight parties are all fun and wonderful, but what if dating was similar? I mean what if you could wear a certain color bracelet at the grocery store, bar, library, train, wherever you meet people and it indicated what you were looking for, whether it was a long term relationship, a fuck buddy, a one night stand, a sugar daddy, or nothing at all. My life would be so much simpler I swear.

I am a firm believer that men are usually pretty clear on what their intentions are with a woman, but us women being the overcomplicators that we are, inherently add complexity to their intentions to the point where it all becomes giant relationship mush in our heads and the next thing we know we have ourselves full convinced that the guy we slept with the night before after too many trips to the bar is definitely the man we should be marrying. Yeah, we're THAT f'd up.

So, if we all wore little bracelets that denoted what we wanted then there would be less confusion. I'm sure some of you naysayers in the background (yeah I see you), are saying "Whatever, everyone would just lie about what they want just to get what they want". Well, smart ass, I have my Master's more than one thing, sooooo... my brilliant plan is to make these bracelets like mood rings. GENIUS! Thank me later. This way, your mood will dictate what you're looking for that evening. So, next time you roll to the bar post-breakup and your bracelet lights up like a Christmas tree and says "Looking to hook up!" then just blame your hormones, not your bad choices. Problemo solved.

Anyways, I know this is an absolutely ludicrous idea, but it still begs the point that communicating is one of the biggest barriers at the beginning of getting to know someone. So often we feel that we need to tip toe around the big stuff such as the "Where is this going?" talk, or "what do you want from me?" which is ridiculous. I cannot even count the amount of times I've gotten to the point of being around someone thinking "I really like this person, and want to date them" and all of a sudden I bring up that conversation (of course after I'm emotionally attached) and I get totally burned when that person is like "Oh, I was just looking for friends." Thanks asshole. Could have shared that 4 weeks ago. So, don't be afraid to ask those questions that many people think will kill a good thing. It will save you more than your fair share of heartache. Being open, honest and upfront will only bring you back open, honest and upfront feelings in return. I mean why waste your time on another guy just looking for a hookup when you deserve much more?

Bob Villa's Got Nothin' on a Handywoman

With the recent indefinite vacation that God decided I needed to take on my life path, I had the opportunity to wander down to Kentucky to relive my college days. Granted there probably wasn't as much Bourbon or booty dancing as I did in college, but instead I replaced it with too much vodka/redbull and making fun of drunk college girls dancing on stages with too short dresses. Oh how I've matured.

While I'm in the good ol' Bluegrass, I usually end up staying with my friend Kate, who I adore and love. She's two years younger than me, and she's definitely the lady I attribute to my wilder days/side of my life. Regardless of the shenanigans we find ourselves in, we always have a great laugh about it and will have plenty of hysterical stories to share our future daughters... when they're of age of course.

So, it's been awhile since I've had some serious girl time. About 99% of my friends up on the East coast happen to be men, and most of my girlfriends live in the city, so seeing them is few and far happy hours in between. Therefore, I had the chance to catch up with many of my ladies, and the topic of "fixing" men came up.

Women, why do we do this? Invariably all of us have at least at some point in our dating and relationship lives attempted to fix a man. Notice I said "attempted". Guaranteed most of you haven't succeeded. And if you did succeed, ladies the man was probably not worth a damn if he let a woman "fix" him.

Men and women do have certain similarities in that deep down we're all "fixers". The difference though is that men have enough common sense to know that they can fix inanimate objects that are moldable and pliable. Whereas women, we apparently enjoy the challenge of fixing something live and fluid in nature. Maybe it's our competitive spirit. Either way, women receive some sort of devilish pleasure of saying "Yes, he was a bad boy until he met me. He's a changed man." No. He's a dumb man. Or a smart one if he fooled you enough to think you had anything to do with changing him.

Now ladies, I'm sure you are raising your hand like a kid in kindergarten who finally knows the answer to the teacher's question saying "But... but... I truly did change him!" or better yet, "I KNOW a friend who changed her man." Both are mythological creatures much like unicorns, mermaids and chupacabras. You think you saw them, they did a documentary about them, websites are dedicated to them and you even have a Disney movie in the works about it. All do not make them many more realer. (Yeah I'm pretty sure "realer" isn't a word, but the double emphasis was required).

My theory is that a habit of fixing comes from sheer laziness. Because let's be honest, it doesn't take any skill whatsoever to find a loser of a man. In fact, I guarantee that you could walk out to a bar, announce you are female and single and loser dudes will just line up for the taking. It's like a Chinese buffet. There's always plenty to eat, and you're always hungry for more about 30 minutes later.

It takes EFFORT to find a good man. True and genuine effort. Now I'm not saying effort as in you need to scour all the bars, libraries, grocery stores and internet sites forcing yourself to find the right man. (God I need to follow my own advice...dammit, I hate when that happens). The real effort comes in knowing that finding a good man requires you to put in the effort to be patient and wait for him to come to you. Because ladies...men are the same.

With men, their laziness far surpasses yours. It did not take a rocket scientist to inform those loser dudes to line up at your doorstep, nor did it take them any effort to do so. You came out and said "I'm ready, I'm willing and I'll try anything." Loser men can smell desperation like sharks smell blood in the water. They got ya, hook, line and sinker. Bad set up, I know.

To know someone is truly interested in you, let them do the work. Men are simple hunters in the truest sense in that they enjoy the pursuit (and I don't want ANY men saying otherwise, because if it was easy to catch you would never ever want it). I know this is a line that your mother and grandmother have told for years. Normally it comes in the wrapped up box of "Don't give it up too soon", but what mama is trying to tell you is, "Make him work for it!".

So, if you want a non-lazy, hard working, ambitious, and smart man you need to get rid of your lazy habits as well. Throw out your dating tool belt filled with loser-attracting arsenal. Instead, invest in something worth your time, every time. You.

The Friendly Inquisition

Have you ever stopped to count how many times people speak in cliches in any given conversation? Recently I've been going through some transitions, namely I was laid off from my regular full time gig (so expect to see lots more from me!) and I moved to a new apartment shortly before previously mentioned incident. Love the timing of my life right? I apparently am a clusterfunk of ill timing and missed opportunities. However, I think I'd prefer to believe that all of these awkward missteps are leading up to one giantly awesome leap into a world much cooler than the one I think revolves around me.

I learned through this transition though that being laid off has many parallels and often similar advice given from others as dating does. There are three key questions that people ask both those of us who are laid off and those of us who have been put on an indefinite relationship sabbatical. I guess if you really think about it, dating could be considered my part time job, so I should halfway expect the advice and concern to be similar.

Question #1: What happened?

Usually when you drop a bomb on someone about your personal life whether its work or relationship oriented their feigned curiosity kicks in. Half the time I believe this need for satiation comes from a deep desire of 1) voyeurism and 2) people pray that shit like this never happens to them, so they desperately search for a solid reason other than "I don't know" to reassure them that it could never possibly happen to them. Regardless, when you'd like your comeback answer to be something really cool like and slightly understandable "Oh yeah, Joe Schmo who I was dating ditched me for Angelina Jolie. Bummer. But he did what he had to do." Instead though you're usually caught between a rock and a hard place on this question. Why? Because one, you either have absolutely no clue what in the world happened and you've been asking this same nonsensical question over and over again to yourself with no avail so how in the world could you answer it for someone else? Or two, the real answer is probably something that will lead to even more probing and nosy questions from even your most compassionate of friends. (I learned this one the hard way after telling people "Oh yeah, well I was cheated on for 4 years." That's like lobbing up a high ball to a .500 batter.)

Question #2: What are you going to do?

WTF? Yeah that's normally my response. People, especially men always want to know what your immediate plan of action is after any catastrophic event. Us women on the other hand, well we need some to process before we push through. Because if you ask me immediately afterwards I may give you an awkward, unexpected response like "Oh, I dunno maybe cry all night over a bowl of ice cream and then down a whole bottle of red wine and pray there's no puke on my sheets come morning." Let's avoid that one hmm shall we?

Question #3: What can I do?

Ok, so this one is a bit trickier. This is the point in the conversation where people are attempting to "be there" for you. Cut them some slack, I know, I know. But really the honest answer is "Nothing" or something insane like "Find me an NFL husband." Bottomline is, don't ask what you can do, just try and do cool things like bring them junk food, or get them drunk. Those are usually fail safes.

Either way, questions in crisis more or less border on redundancy after you talk to the first person. If you are like me, the smart-assery of the responses exponentially increase with each additional person asking the question. Therefore, if you're bottom on the friend chain and are one of the last to find out, then prepare for the wrath... I suppose this only further ensures that you'll never move up the friend ladder. Maybe I should rotate that more... nah.

Oh No, the Stars are Not Aligned, Sorry

I would like to believe in all things destiny in fate, but every once in awhile my logical brain as well as the ingrained Western values of free will slowly kick in and remind me that I have the ability to control my life and the path it follows. However, in times of uncertainty or when I feel like my life is wholly off-kilter, blaming things like cosmic forces and fatalistic destinies are much easier to absorb than thinking that I effed up my life, consciously. Now, as a curious follower, I do read my horoscope on a daily basis and I always find them so fascinating and utterly amusing. I will even admit when I’m with someone and I find out their birthday I google those crazy horoscope compatibility charts to see if our star signs align. Apparently Leos are good for me haha.

So as I read my daily horoscope and come across days where it tells me I will meet a mysterious stranger who sweeps me off my feet or I will follow my horrible Aries ways and come on too strong too early and kill the poor soul of a weak man, I couldn’t help but wonder what my love life would be like if I examined it as if it was pre-destined and horoscopes were my daily hints of what’s to come.

In sociology there is this great concept of self-fulfilling prophecies. Basically when someone tells you that you’re going to be a certain way enough, you begin to believe them. Case in point I tell myself how awesome I am and I totally believe it. So, therefore, if I convince myself that whatever my horoscope hints at is going to happen, it should happen right? That’s what the “Secret” is about right? Visualizing things coming into your life. It could work.

Maybe I should screw trying to control everything in my life and take some advice from the cosmos and think “no worries, someone else is taking care of it”. Some people may think that’s too constraining or that it extinguishes any sort of purpose to their lives if they know that someone else is in charge. However, to me knowing that someone or something else is taking care of it, well it’s kind of comforting. Because well, if I don’t find love, then I know it’s not me to blame, it was only just my purpose.

Fear and Loathing in New York

Given that I blog about relationships and the mentalities of men and women you’d think I would be way more cautious and understand what I do with a deeper more poignant perspective. Who am I kidding? Let’s admit this, I suck at dating, but I’m great at giving advice about it.

I have been in and out of the dating world for the last 3 years or so. But let’s be real honest, how many of those guys were really relationships material? Probably none, but that’s not really the point I suppose. The point really is the fact that I am so freakin’ clueless when it comes to that in between stage of being with someone or not being with someone. Like most of my life, things are lived in absolutes. Black and white. Loathe and love. So, for most of my life I have either known life as being single and ready to mingle or as a girlfriend. Rarely in my life have I had to deal with the dating purgatory that is well…dating. Odd how that works out.

One of my biggest character flaws, and one I’m not so sure I want to change is my passion. I’m deeply involved in things that I care for and deeply oppose things that are outside my realm of liking. This transcends many areas of my life especially dating. As many people around me know, understand and try to accept, is the fact that rarely if ever do I find a man that I find is worth my time and effort. I call it my sixth sense, or my gut instinct that allows me to guide my life in this manner. (However, this is currently up for debate as I will describe later). So, when life throws me subtle surprises, a nice wonderful man will come around and it will start playing in my mind as this “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, what do I do not to fuck this up?” mentality. To ensure this non-fuckedupness I do what I do extraordinarily well…analyze the hell out of everything. I’m still trying to figure out who I picked this trait up from… I’ll blame mom for the time being.

Anyways, so my mind starts going on overdrive. I start analyzing sentences, words, gestures, anything I possibly can. Now you may be wondering, 1) how does she have this much time to worry and 2) where is this worrying coming from? Or maybe you don’t care about either, but anyways I’m going to tell you. First off, lack of sleep leaves plenty of time to think and where does this worry come from? Well where else? Fear.

One thing I have come to realize throughout dating, both in my experiences and hearing other people’s thoughts is the simple fact that we let fear dictate so much of what we do and how we interact with people. If you really analyze a lot of what you do throughout any given day a majority of the steps you take are based on certain fears, subconscious or conscious. I mean why else do books like “Culture of Fear” exist. So, the question is then, how do you change your life from letting fear reside to letting in love and letting that rule your world?

That’s my dilemma. I have been so closed off from love or anything that resembles feelings of love that I look at it with trepidation and with fear that I am so desperately trying to remove from my life. The best advice I can give in this though is to follow the advice of one of my friends and “just shut the hell up.” I know he meant it in the most lovingly way, but women so many of us do this. We are perpetual word vomiters who say any and everything that is in our heads and more dangerously, in our hearts. I cannot even imaging how overwhelming that can be for a guy, well I guess I can imagine simply because it’s overwhelming enough inside of me that I throw it up over onto someone else! So, I’m up for playing the game… even though I hate games and think they are really emotionally taxing for no good reason, compromises are in order to let love creep back in.

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon...

Ok, I’m sure the moral of this story is not going to be the least bit surprising. Guys, I know you hear it all the time that women want intimacy, they want romance, the simple touches like candles and soft sheets. But my curiosity is what makes great sex for men? Is it those evenings where your lady gets a tad bit dirtier than normal? Or are you just like all of us woman and are too scared to admit that oh my, you enjoy connectable sex too! Please say that’s so. I think deep down you’d agree.

So, let me bring back some of my philosophical learnings from school. See mom, I did earn that degree, and I still remember stuff! Excellent investment. Anyways, one of my favorite Greek philosophical stories was that in Greece they believed that when human beings were first placed on this earth that at one point we were all conjoined to another person. (Imagine walking around with 4 legs and 4 arms, how cool). Anyways, the gods upstairs were none too happy with the infinite amounts of happiness this brought to us lowly humans, so they yanked us all apart and broke us into individuals. Hence, the rest of our life we were destined to roam the earth searching for our true soulmate, or former conjoined partner. Oh so romantic. I particularly love this story because it also accounts for same sex coupling, which is cool to hear that the rainbow flags were flying way back in ancient Grecian times. But I guess are we really surprised given the movie Spartacus?

Either way, I’d like to think of myself as somewhat of a romantic. Though, I’m sure most of my friends would squash that assumption and think I’m way too jaded to have that Charlotte from Sex and the City type of romantic optimism. Instead my Miranda-jadedness is probably more of an accurate identifier of my thoughts on love. As I have grown older you always begin to question the Cinderella fairytales that were thrown at you from an early age. “Oh no worries, your Prince Charming is just right around the corner!” Yeah right mom, next thing you’ll tell me is that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince. If that’s the case I’ll just roll like Sleeping Beauty and pass out until Mr. Handsome decides to get off HIS ass and find ME. Amen Disney, Amen.

But is there really just one person out there that fits you. That complements you, completes you and intrinsically is your yang to your yin. My jadedness says no, but my heart says “Yes, he’s there.” But logically, how can only one person be that match for you? I mean I’m practically a chameleon version of myself. I’m like the Madonna of dating. My “type” of guy morphs with my social environment and is always evolving based on my age, location, education, job, changing political values, morals, etc. So how could just ONE person match that same path and fit my mold of a man throughout each step of that journey? Seems damn near impossible to me.

So why this constant search for our “soulmate” or the person that fits you so well? I’ll admit I gave up that search long ago. But, it’s the search that I’m on now that’s the most difficult. Giving up the romanticism and searching for that life friend. Your life partner, your accompanist to your life’s song, your support. Biologically we’re all geared to look for certain qualities in one another, but emotionally, we are infinitely complex, but I think deep down all anyone wants is companionship. A person who walks that evolving chameleon life path with you and not only adapts to the environment, but helps push you to stick out from the crowd in all that camouflage. Because in this world, it’s guerilla warfare, and we all need a sharp shooter that has our back. So finding your life partner in essence boils down to biology. It’s easier to stand together than stand alone.

MTA Hikes? Try ILNYK Transit

I know I live in the land of public transportation where buses and trains are as frequent as seeing a Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks on the corner. Ninety percent of the people in the glorious New York metropolitan area rely on mass transit of some sort whether it’s buses, trains or even you high rollers that enjoy taxi service. However… given all of this transportation how did I end up being a local taxi service on dates?

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind picking up a guy every once in awhile. But seriously, I’m beginning to feel like I have never had that formal pick me up at the door with flowers and an open car door. Seriously. I don’t think I have ever had that happen. No joke, how sad is that? Did the simple idea of picking up a lady and opening a simple car door escape the manners of East Coast men? I’m beginning to seriously wonder.

Case and point. Or rather, multiple cases, same points. Most recent date I was asked to “pick up” someone at the train station. Ok, I understand driving from where he was is a task. But the rolling in 3 hours late for our date because you “missed” multiple trains and then once we got to the date you pointedly stated that you needed to leave in 40 minutes so you could catch the next train back. Sure no worries, Kassandra chauffeur service at your request. Would you like me to get your bag for you too sir? And yes, I will gladly accept tips and oh you owe me money for the tolls.

Second case. Was asked to go on a date with a guy in the city on a Saturday. Yes, buses run 24 hours near where I live, but the transportation isn’t exactly frequent. In fact, it’s once every hour or so. Therefore, traveling back yonder over the Hudson River is a monumental task at 2 or 3am. Well, kind gentleman offered to pay for my taxi back. Ok, fine, I’ll play that game. Oh wait, you spent all of your money getting drunk at the bar prior to me meeting you at the restaurant so you can’t afford a taxi for me to go home? Fantastic.

Final scenario, let’s waste gas together. Let’s BOTH drive to the same location and then have that awkward moment at the end of the evening where you’re like “Oh cool, here’s your car. Nice meeting you. Peace.”

Ok, I know I sound a bit spoiled in this, but my LORD how insanely difficult is it to drive to someone’s apartment and pick someone up for a date? Maybe I should start charging prices. That’s it. Put a nice taxi meter in my kickin’ 2004 Saturn Ion. Charge flat fees to and from the city and if you get to drink at the bar/restaurant and I don’t because I’m driving your ass around, well that’s a minimum $40 charge. Cash only too, because I don’t want to deal with your credit card being denied or check bounced either. And don’t even think of touching the radio homey, or even thinking about putting in your two cents about the music I’m playing. You lost your vote when you called on ILNYK Transit. This is not Driving Mr. Daisy. This is my recession proof scheme to put your lazy asses on blast.

All right, bring the hate. I know plenty of you guys will throw a fit out there and say “Damn that’s such a double standard!” Well you know what, call it affirmative action for dating fellas. I have dealt with your lazy ways long enough. And let me give you an economics lesson…

Say you pull one of these lazy transportation maneuvers, or if you have pulled one of these before, did you get that second date? My guess is HELL NO! Not one of these guys saw a second date from me, nor will they ever. In fact I hope they read this and are learning a lesson. So, basically you just went in the hole in terms of spending money on a date with absolutely no return on your investment. Economics 101 says that’s a shitty return of 0%.

Let’s say you are one of the few chivalrous men that STILL exist in this area and you do all those sweet things like pick her up, at her door. (Note I didn’t say sit in your car, call her or even better yet, text her that you’re outside and then have her get into the car… that’s just as bad). Men. Men. Men. If you take away anything from this post (that is if you’re still reading… I’m sure some of you are too pissed by now), understand that women really do pick up on the LITTLE things. I mean haven’t you noticed how many times we nag you for dumb, stupid, minute things? Why would we not pick up on those little itty bit gestures like opening a car door, or saying how beautiful we look the moment you see us walking towards you? Those things will get you the second, the third, the fourth, etc dates. As well as probably a decent *ahem* return on your investment. Economics 101, this is your stimulus package fellas. So put in the effort and stop expecting us women to bail you out because you’re too lazy to put out a teensy bit of good manners. Ok, haters commence.