Stalking Made Easy...Thanks Facebook!

I realize that as a competitive person I tend to view a lot of things in my life as a competition in which there is a distinct line of winners and losers. Maybe it’s the inner tomboy in me, or the ridiculous Type A personality I managed to pull out my parents, but for some reason I get pretty emotionally involved when competition exists. I’m fairly stubborn like that, so I tend to enjoy the whole my way or the highway viewpoint on a lot of things. God forbid you ever disagree with me right? I think I’ve been better about this over the years, but there’s always that direct satiation that occurs whenever my competitive spirit reigns supreme in situations.

Since I’m on a big of a stint writing about breakups (since apparently writing about my awful dating experiences are not that interesting anymore..LIE! It’s always interesting…I just needed a change of pace to keep it fresh), I’ll follow this competitive line to breakups. Everyone knows that breakups are hard, painful and overall ridiculously unbearable if you really cared for the person. But what hurts the most is when all of a sudden you start to feel like you’re semi-over everything and you’re being a complete logical adult once again and can functionally survive around other human beings when all of a sudden you hear the dreaded rumor circulating that guess what? Your ex has a new love.

Back in the day you usually could politely avoid such news by moving to a different county, going to a new college, finding a new job, etc. But with the fabulous technologies of Facebook and Myspace everyone knows your business even before you know your business. Before you have time to marinate on that information, Insensitive Friend #1 from college sends you a wall post of “Hey, remember that guy that broke your heart and tore it into pieces? Well he found someone to love you before you found someone! How crazy is that?” Nothing like being outpaced on your social life by technology. That’s why I hate the whole naming your significant other in your Facebook profile. It’s like welcoming ex’s to stalk your new beginnings. I remember when my ex and I broke up and thinking that the hardest thing to do about the breakup was “Cancelling” our relationship status on Facebook. Cause that’s when all of the half assed sympathetic messages come through from people you haven’t spoken to since you got drunk with them at the last college frat party you went to back in 2004. And let’s be honest…most of these people don’t care to express their sympathies, they just want to know the gossip behind what happened. (True friends would pick up the phone and make sure you aren’t living on saltines and burritos and watching bridal shows over and over again). Gossipy friends will say “OMG! What happened?? I’m so so sorry!” and then they filter your private info to old classmates faster than news that Kim Kardashian has a new sex tape.

And, much like most breakups in today’s modern social networking world you subconsciously have developed this stalker instinct. Notice how neither one of you was brave enough to completely delete the other person’s profile. If one of you did, thank your lucky stars. But more often than not you cancel your relationship yet keep them as your friend simply to keep tabs on what they’re doing. So you sit there obsessively checking their status to see if they left some sort of passive aggressive message about you and your breakup, or if they’re in as much misery as you are, or if they’ve moved on to someone new…

Myspace is definitely trickier in that they did not stoop as low as Facebook did in terms of broadcasting your relationship status for the world to see. Instead of physically naming the person in the relationship, Myspace just asks if you’re in a relationship or not. However…Myspace plays a dirty popularity game called your Top 8, 16, 24 whatever multiple of 8 you can figure. So therein lies the mystery. Why is he/she on your top 8? Who’s that new mystery girl/guy? It’s more of a blurred line, which inevitably probably makes you crazier than the definitive Facebook application simply because of the unknowns.

Damn social networking technology. It’s like your entire life is out there for anyone to dissect and examine. But, that’s the move of our generation. I think so many are quick to pour their souls on their status message or *ahem* on a blog because we have just forgotten how to express those feelings face to face with someone. Therefore, instead of directly speaking out our problems, we suppress them through technologies that artificially talk back to us in hopes that it will relieve us of our problems, when in reality is only enhances them.

You’d think we would learn something from movie stars and famous folks who try to keep their personal lives separate from the public eye…but nooooo all of us have inner rockstars in us and we want everyone to fawn over our every move so we blast it all over every social technology we can get our hand on in hopes that someone will empathize our painful woes. It’s a sad voyeuristic world.

It’s utterly depressing to think of explaining technologies like Facebook and Myspace to my future children. I hope they’ll be abolished by then simply because I think it socially stunts every single teenager in this country. Before we know it no one will be speaking face to face but only through technology. Oh, I sound so George Orwellian now. Forgive me, but it’s time to update my Facebook status and change my mood on Myspace…POKE!

Replacing Voids with the Presence of Many

So, this blog may get deeper than some of the other comical, witty and downright amazing blogposts I normally do. Apparently my blog has placed me in a position where people consult me on relationship advice and consider me some sort of beacon of dating hope. Oh boy...

Either way, I was speaking with someone this evening about the pains of breaking off long term relationships, and for some reason I've been feeling quite Zen about a lot of things in my life. Maybe it's this book I just read or maybe it's the pain meds and muscle relaxers on. Regardless, the epiphany of understanding is somehow manifested in my life.

Anyways, this particular person's experience seemed so eerily familiar to my own dramatic breakup that I couldn't help but preemptively offer to help this person. The place they are in at this point brought me to an odd self reflection about my past two years post-ex. And yes, I know my ex reads this blog so I hope he's taking a vacation from reading this, because the intent is not to make him feel bad, but to help another person understand the mistakes I did during that time and hopefully resurrect their own life sooner than I learned to reestablish mine.

Obviously breakups are difficult and life altering experiences in people's lives. Some people are stronger than others in these situations and everyone deals with it in their own way. Much like people mourn death in their own unique fashion, I've learned that people deal with breakups in very different ways as well. Some deal with breakups by surrounding themselves with friends and family and other loving people in their life. Some find God or another spiritual connection to see them through. Others find solace in altering their mind state through drugs or alcohol. While others may seek comfort in eating, or the opposite and seek balance in working out. Sometimes though people (like myself), trying to find comfort in people they don't know.

Let me rephrase that. Because it's not exactly comfort you are seeking, but rather distraction and displacement. Sometimes when you break up with someone there is so much residual pain that you just are not sure how to deal with it. It's like pain keeps emanating from everything, whether it's from hearing a song lyric or smelling a familiar scent, it always hits you like a ton of bricks and you're constantly reminding of the gaping pain that exists within your body. So, as they say misery loves company. So, instead of dealing with the pain, the best solution you find is to make someone else feel pain, and oftentimes that pain comes in the form of relationships with other people, simply because you were hurt in a relationship with someone.

So...you meet someone. Preferably someone as vulnerable as you. You speak, you meet, and you become physical. Then you leave. Without little thought, without any remorse. It's an addiction of attention a cycle of dysfunctional love from someone you have no intention of loving. Because there is no loving in this...but only a transfer of pain from your heart to another's. Except the raw deal in this is the fact that once that pain moves to someone else, that pain usually bounces right back with twice the force until you find another person to displace it to. Thus the perpetuation of the cycle.

I used to say I was picky. I used to say I was hard to please and that my expectations were too high and that's why I couldn't find anyone to date. Really? Is anyone still buying that? Because I stopped buying that BS a few months ago, even though I keep feeding it to people. Truth is, I'm still dealing with the pain.

But it's been 2 years right? I mean I should be over and done correct? Well about 99% of those two years were still accompanied with conversations with my ex and the whole back and forth of feelings. Finally, I can safely say that I am at a place where things are in a good place with him and I. We both recognize that we care for one another immensely, and I think we've both become adult enough to realize that all we really want is for one another to be happy. And if that means it's with someone else, then so be it. But getting to that place was no simple feat.

What do you do when someone over the course of time suddenly became your everything? They were your shoulder to lean on, your best friend, your lover, your confidante, your pick me up, your everything. My best friend Gina said it the best when she broke up with her boyfriend. She said, "Kassandra the hardest part of dealing with a breakup is trying to find people to replace the voids with. So you break up one person's duties among multiple people, and therefore you end up becoming dependent on multiple people rather than one." So you begin finding people that do that for you. For instance, I have a friend who is my party buddy, another who is my intellectual buddy, someone who I talk sports with, another who I speak with about relationships. However, I categorized all of these people into specific duties and roles.

So, then the problem becomes how can you let someone be your everything again when you've already sliced and diced those responsibilities out? Therefore, instead of finding love and finding someone to enjoy all your ups and downs, lefts and rights, you begin seeking comfort through multiple people.

To this day, one of my favorite CDs I listened to during my breakup was India.Arie's Testimony: Vol 1, Life and Relationships. Somehow she spoke directly to me by starting with the breakup and working through each song of rebuilding herself to finally accepting and understanding a healing relationship with her ex boyfriend.

Life really is an evolution of sorts. And I don't think anyone can ever really walk on a timeline of when and where there will be gains and losses. One thing I'm learning though is to be forever present. For the longest time I kept looking at my life as a puzzle that was supposed to magically fit together. I was supposed to have this job, this apartment, this boyfriend, this life. And look where I am now. Go figure.

But...as I stand right now I know I distance people but yet keep them close enough so that they won't stray too far away from my life at any given time. Some of the smarter ones have caught onto this and have said to hell with me and walked away. Others knew me well before I became this way so they understand it's just part of what I'm experiencing while others have no idea yet. I know I push people away and don't let them get close enough simply because I'm not ready to be loved again. I'm scared, I'm terrified and utterly frightened to let someone be my everything again. Because I know the damage it's brought to my life for these last few years, and as strong as I am, I fear. So instead of loving, I idly pass the time by having meaningless relationships with people that walk through my life in hopes that one of them will inspire and awaken a part of my heart that's been dead and numb for so long.

Slowly I'm learning to realize that the awakening will not occur because someone else is going to punch me in the heart and say "wake the hell up" but rather its going to and it has to be me that says, "Ok, let's start over. Let's be brave and trust ourselves again." Because that's really the cause of the problem. Instead of not trusting other people, you've lost trust in the only person you should trust, yourself. So, much like it takes time and effort to rebuilt trust with another person, it really takes time and love to re-trust yourself again. Let's learn to love ourselves. Scars and wars and all the in betweens. Everything we do in life is to further ourselves as human beings. As much as I'd love to have it all figured out by the time I'm 27, that's not going to happen. So for now, I'm going to fake it til I make it.

I know I'm on a journey of healing...and I'm almost there. And I thank all of the people that have watched with steady hearts and loving eyes at this transformation within me. I know I will be ok, because I'm me and that's all I need.

Unlock the Code to V Day Bliss

Well Valentine’s Day is coming up so you think I’d have a ton of material to work with, but I’ll admit I’m experiencing a bit of a mental block in terms of writing lately. It could be the vicodin I’m on for my back pain that suddenly came on, but I would like to think that would make my works more interesting…so we shall see.

So, I find it very interesting this year that the day before Valentine’s Day is Friday the 13th. Ominous? Maybe. Either way, as an adult I’ve learned to accept the fact that Valentine’s Day is just not a holiday meant for me. Does everyone have that? It seems like there are certain holidays that occur throughout the year that go horribly wrong, regardless of the stage of your life at that given point in time. For me, New Year’s Eve/Day and Valentine’s Day are like my karmic holidays of retribution. It’s like God sits upstairs and says, “Oh shoot! February 14th is coming up, let’s make sure I mess with Kassandra SUPER good this year!” Maybe that’s just me. Either way, I feel like I did something awful in a previous life on one of those days so I’m paying for it now by having super duper crappy experiences on Valentine’s Day.

But what I find interesting is the fact that all of my guy friends come calling away asking me for loads of advice on how to set up a romantic and amazing Valentine’s Day for their loved one. I always find this humorous in the aspect that 1) I apparently suck with V day and 2) You really are going to ask the perpetually single girl advice on a couples reserved day? And I’m the one on vicodin??

So, here we are, a few days away from Valentine’s Day and I notice men scrambling left and right in and out of women’s stores, flower shops, candy shops and anywhere else they can pick up last minute gifts for their beloved. Therefore, I will impart what bare bottom romantic knowledge I can bestow upon those men who lack the “gifting gene”.

The gifting gene is a particular genetic aptitude for picking out gifts for someone, regardless of the holiday. Some of us, like me, are totally blessed on this front, and others….well, I’m here to help. I have yet to find a male that has captured the essence of the gifting gene, so I pray that he is out there somewhere and is giving advice to hapless men in their times of gifting turmoil. Men, I know the media permeates your life more than you think, so you are suckered into ideas that pleasing a woman on Valentine’s Day means sending her a giant bouquet of flowers or a large box of Godiva chocolates, or even for you fellas that are ballin’ beyond your means, you pick up a giant diamond something or the other. Well, while those gifts are fine and dandy, guess what? They’re not original. Look to your left on the subway, I guarantee you that dude bought his lady the same damn thing. If not, look to your right, cause he certainly did. Feel a little dumb now? It’s not entirely your fault sweetie…like most things let’s blame “media” and “society”. Typically they are to blame for any poor decisions we make in life. It’s ok, displacement of blame is the American thing to do.

The key to gift giving is quite simple. Well, simple in saying, but more complex in understanding. The key is “listening”. I know you’ve heard this one before fellas. But trust me, if you listen, and I mean truly listen to your woman you’re with, you will unlock infinite doors of knowledge. Men think women are infinitely more complex than what we truly are. But men, women are quite simple in nature…you just need to understand the code we speak in. Simple right? As women, we learned from generations of females before us on the art of “hint dropping”. Throughout every conversation probably since after Christmas, your significant lady in your life has probably been dropping hints about what she would like/do on Valentine’s Day. The question is, were you paying attention? Probably not. I’m sure there were nights when you two were talking and a conversation went a little something like this.

Boy: “Man, I’m exhausted.”
Girl: “Oh, me too. I can’t believe how long winter gets around here. My muscles always get so tense from the weather and walking to work, and working out. I really wish I could spend a day pampering myself, but I just don’t have the time.”
Boy: “Yeah, we all wish that. What’s on TV tonight?”

Ok, pop quiz. Now, it probably seems obvious now that it’s written out like that, but gentlemen, what would this lady absolutely LOVE for Valentine’s Day? A new sexy piece of lingerie? No, probably not. A giant box of chocolates? No. The girl works out for God’s sake, you really thinks she wants you sabotaging her workouts with chocolates?! How about…a massage. BINGO! See, you are a genius. Those hints are everywhere around you. And yes women consciously lay them out there hoping you’ll pick up on them.

So the question you may be asking is “Well Kassandra, when I asked her what she wanted for Valentine’s Day she never mentioned anything. Or she just said ‘surprise me!’ How do I make sense of that?” Well questioner, as women we don’t want to seem too demanding, so we leave subtle hints. The other reason is the fact that deep down we are looking for a man that understands our semi-unspoken needs. A man that realizes when his woman is stressed and surprises her with a massage is a keeper. So secretly she’s praying that he is living inside your subconscious, and that she just needs to evoke the spirit alive.

Ladies…please be aware of what you’re doing and throw a bone to your man every once in awhile. I know we all hope for the man that secretly knows how to figure us out, but more often than not no man will ever understand the elaborate code that you have built over the many years of your existence. Hell, you barely know the code and you invented it. So cut the guy some slack and be a little bit more direct. So, the next holiday/birthday/special occasion, just yell out “Hey I want ____” Maybe instead of being frustrated, you’ll actually end up getting what you asked for…so be careful what you wish for ladies.