Purging of Comforts

Ok, so I meant to write this one a long time ago when I had the epiphany for this particular post on my commute into the city one day. So, forgive me if it's not as fabulous as I originally intended it to be.

So, if you know me, you know that I tend to value my sleep. Which means I have perfectly planned my mornings in a manner such that I wake up at the last possible moment with the least amount of time to get ready and get out the door to make it to the office by 9am. Unfortunately, there are mornings where I hit snags. Such as I can't find anything to wear, or I can't find my Nine West right heel. Either way, sometimes it leaves me with running out the door without breakfast, or if I do eat something it's maybe something small like a banana. This then means on my way to work I torture myself with the debate of "Well, do I REALLY need that bagel and cream cheese? Or should I be good and get the fruit and low-fat yogurt?" I'll admit about 99% of the time, the bagel wins. (But to justify, or at least rectify my guilt I'll get a cup of fruit to accompany it). Call bagels my comfort food. In New York, they are always there. Any time of the day you can find a bagel. It's that familiar thing I can always go to. It's like my version of man's best friend, except mine comes in a carbohydate form rather than a furry dog form.

Relationships I have with people in my life are similar to my "food comforts". We all have those comforts in our lives, those things that we always cling to, or run towards when we've run out of options, or when we just need a sense of something familiar, thus making it a comfort. Sometimes we cling to that comfort because we're scared of trying something new (I mean, scones are an option right?). But as humans and creatures of habit, we love reliability and familiarity. I mean that's what being an adult is right? Stability. Strength. Reliable. Resourceful. Ok that sounds like a car commercial now. However, I think this clingy-ness to comfort keeps us from moving forward sometime.

I mean take the bagels for instance. I have been trying for ages it feels like to lose a few pounds before Halloween, but those damn bagels! If I could remove them, purge myself of their comfort, I could move forward with my goal. Much like if I could purge myself of comforts I have with people in my life, I could move forward in becoming a better more loving person. Instead, the comforts allow us to "blame" something other than ourselves for the impeding.

So, I suppose the take-away lesson learned from this post is that purging of comforts is good for the soul. It allows you to broaden, to become a more open individual. One that doesn't just hope for comforts, but welcomes the uncomforts of life because those may eventually turn into future comforts.

Angry Cry of Entitlement

Ok, this is not going to be a pleasant post, so read at your own discretion. This will be more of a soul cleansing of sorts...a proverbial skeletons out of the closet post to clear my head and my heart for good.

So, as I sat basking in the wedding mist of yesterday, I cannot help but sit here today going through some mental anguish of what might/should have been. 4 years ago I never would have thought I would have become this fairly bitter and decidedly awful dater who cannot seem to make it past three dates with a guy before getting bent out of shape for some reason. I mean it's been two years for God's sake. What is holding me back? Me. My anger.

I cry in pure anger with myself with a sense of entitlement of the promises he made to me so long ago. Promises of loyalty, of honesty of love...and it was treated with disrespect and brought so much pain to my heart. I know that eternally there will always be this spot in my heart that will harbor both hate and love for this person because he's the only one that could have hurt me so bad because I loved him more than my heart would bear that the weight of his indiscretions collapsed a part of my hope...my fancy...my essence.

He had my heart...all of it. And for those who know me well know that does not come easy. My life has been built to protect me. Everything I done has been planned just so that I would come out seemingly unscathed. Not the best mentality I know since the bruises and scars of life make us the people we are. I developed a strength, a simple resistance to protect myself with this thin veil of confidence and hope. Unfortunately that veil was not reality.

As I sit here at age 26, I cannot help but look at my friends who are married, now some with kids who married the men they were destined to be with. I was supposed to be part of them. It's just like being picked last for gym class or something. Where everyone is pairing up together and soon enough I'm going to be the only one standing.

I fear that the damage has run its course on my soul. That there will always be this imperfect damage...a battle scar of sorts that is probably from one of the biggest wars of my life. It was the war of love. A war that I believe I fought valiantly for...but like any soldier from war, I left with bruises, with a different outlook and more often than not...came home a bit homesick. But I'm coming home. Back to me. Back to my essence. Because no one can take that from me.

I know that this particular person will read this and will either be completely angry at me or he'll finally understand a bit of the pain I still feel to this day and why on some days it just helps my heart heal a little bit by hearing an encouraging word from him. He is a good man. A good good man. And the woman who captivates his heart once again is forever blessed. God shined on us as long as He possibly could, and it was all for a reason. I pray for his happiness daily because my heart is always carrying a piece of me with him. I just hope that he says those same prayers for me.

Ok...I think I am done with my angry cry. The tears have now moved to tears of relief...tears that are more cleansing than anything for even though I feel damaged on the inside, the damage is what makes me Kassandra, and it's inevitably my imperfections that allow for love to exist.

Wedding Afterglow

So let me first start off by apologizing for not writing in a bit. Personal life, outside of the dating world has been quite hectic with switching jobs, etc. (Even though I'm not sure I have a large enough core audience to warrant an apology, but I'll pretend I've amasked thousands of readers and thus the need to apologize for my absence.)

The afterglow of weddings...I just recently came back from one of my good friend Edwin's wedding just now and I must say it was one of the better weddings I've attended. Very beautiful location and nice ceremony, so I'm extremely happy for him. But like many women, let me re-phrase that. Like many single women (that's better) who attend weddings, I will admit, I catch a case of wedding fever. Yes I'm guilty of spending 90% of my Sundays glued to WEtv watching the plethora of wedding shows like Bridezillas and Platinum Weddings, but there just is nothing quite like seeing a wedding in person.

I'm not a super emotional person, but something about a wedding that just gets to you. And the best part of an entire wedding is not the party, not the great food, but honestly...it's simply looking at the groom's face the first moment he sees his bride walk down the aisle. Which today was particularly funny because I was looking at my friend Edwin to catch the tears glimmering and he caught me looking and waved. I about died. haha. Either way...the look in his face when he saw his future wife walk down the aisle was priceless. A man's first glimpse of his future, his life, his destiny is something that I honestly crave to experience. It's one of those rare instances in life where nothing else matters but the brief moment of feeling you have when you see someone you love and care for in a different perspective. Because let's be honest, that's the very first moment that guys thing "Wow, that's my wife...and she's absolutely beautiful."

So, this is a sentimental post more or less simply stating that no one should settle for anyone less than someone who looks at them on their wedding day with a look full of hope, passion and love. A picture perfect moment that will last throughout all time.