Stop looking and it will come?

Yes the question mark is there to mark my skepticism. I cannot even count on my two hands and two feet how many people have just told me the sage wisdom of "Don't look for it, let it come to you." Bleh. That was me vomiting.

Is it really true that magically if you just obliterate the idea of finding a happy settled down life with an incredible handsome, charming and painstakingly romantic and strong man, that he'll just come rolling into your life or spot you across the platform at the subway station and fall madly in love with you? Ok, so maybe that's hyper-idealized, but you get the point.

Now I'm not one to question fate, because it has worked it's strange magic in my life. (If you know the odd story of how my ex and I met, then you will agree). But, maybe the Northeast mentality or the hardening of my skin based on experiences with men/people in general have caused me to develop this skeptical relationship with fate. Is it all it's cracked up to be?

Therefore, I'm beginning to realize that only part of that statement is true. Yes, when you stop looking things do suddenly appear. However, it does not mean you ever stop thinking about it, or imagining it or desiring it. I even had one friend who said "Kassandra, stop 'hoping' for it. Let it be." Why should I not hope for something so amazing in my life? Hope is the faith that better things will happen. So dammit I'm going to hope all I want. (I'm sure you've realized I'm stubborn by now).

So, my compromise is this. I will stop looking in the sense that I'm not going to put up a thousand online profiles about how fabulous I am and what I want in a man and telling men whether or not I think they fit that criteria. So in that sense, I'm retiring. I think the shopping aisle mentality of searching through men like they were trading cards is too exhausting for me. However, I am going to hope beyond hope that something rolls my way.

Instead of looking to other people to "find" something maybe the key to finding someone is to know and find who you yourself is as a person. Yes I know this is not "new" news. I've read it in plenty of self-help books and heard it from many friends and family. The whole "You can't be good enough for someone else if you're not good enough for you." Blah, blah, blah. I get it. However, I think it's not really a matter of being good enough, but rather the amazing confidence and happiness you find when you realize who the real you is. The person who wakes up with stinky breath and goes through about 10 outfits before she finds one that looks "just right". All your neurotic tendencies and fascinating charms and accepting them, whole-heartedly. That, I think is the key to finding someone.

When people know who they are, it is magnified to people. People really are inspired by others who are comfortable in their own skin, no matter how flawed or damaged that skin may be. And the best part of being comfortable with yourself is that when you find someone walks into your life while you are being you...then you know 100% that they fell in love with guess what?...YOU!

A Scientific Explanation on my Singleness

Ok, so to make all of us single women feel less bad about our singledom, now there is scientific evidence stating why we are single. Seriously? I cannot believe that the failure of women to find a mate has now been scientifically examined. For some reason I see this trend running the same lines as when back in the day men used to think that PMS was an unexplained psychotic hysteria that occurred in women. Now single-ness has become a scientific explanation...in women. I guarantee no one is wondering or studying why so many men lack the mental, physical and intellectual aptitude to carry a monogamous relationship with a woman. So obviously is MUST be the women that are the problem. Rant is complete.

All right, so let's dig into this article that was sent to me from one of my friends:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080813/sc_livescience/thepillmakeswomenpickbadmates

So the basic premise (if you just didn't feel the necessity to read the article) is that women who are on the pill choose less suitable mates for themselves because the pill artificially puts women's bodies in a pregnant state thus removing many of the odor seeking tendencies that women look for when finding a suitable mate. Awesome.

Therefore, the pill I take every day is forcing me to seek men with similar scents, which would equate to why I'm meeting so many uninteresting men, or unsuitable men. Perfect explanation. I'm going to blame the magic pill that keeps me from popping out more confused females into the world.

So for men, who may or may not know the wonderful side effects of being on the pill, we now have 3 major ones that are really starting to slow up my progress on finding my prince charming.

1. The pill makes you gain weight.
2. It lowers your sexual libido.
3. It apparently detracts you from finding the right man.

Those three things...well those are pretty big deals. Why are the odds so against us women? Why do men have the luxury of just throwing on a piece of latex (or lambskin) which really the only side effect (or so many men claim) is that "it doesn't feel the same" as being without one. Why don't condoms make men emotional? Or why don't they make it harder for them to get aroused? Or better yet why don't condoms keep them from getting with that hot girl at the bar that they are attracted to? Women instead get the short end of the stick.

Instead of a quick safety fix like men where all you do is unwrap the condom, but it on, use and throw away, women have to take a pill every day at the same time and are forced to "trick" their bodies into thinking they are already pregnant. Unfair, Unfair, Unfair! Yes I'm whining.

One of my friends challenged me to go off the pill for 6 months to see if I'd find my perfect man. I'm seriously considering it just to see if I can prove/disprove the scientists right. However that means well *ahem*, no ummm extracurricular activities. I'm sure you all got the hint there. I can certainly go without, but it is something to think about. I'll keep you updated.

In the meantime...please always practice safe sex whether you're monogamous or not. Stuff happens whether science has an explanation for it or not.

Why Sex Equates to Male Laziness

So upon my useless meanderings I've noticed a symptomatic pattern across men, both ones that I have encountered and ones that other female friends have experienced as well, so the validation is there. Even though this is a broad sweeping generalization, the premise is there. I'll get to that in a minute.

Ok, ladies. You are dating a wonderful man, he takes you to dinner, walks in the park, calls you to check on you, all of the things that really validate that this man is interested in YOU. All the attention that you have been seeking is now present in the man in hot pursuit of your sexiness. All is well, and then one night (or day...depending on your mood), all of the signs are right, you're both feeling good and you have sex. At that very moment all of the planets in the universe realign, east is now west, and your man has just captured his "Gotcha!" moment. This is the very instance that a man falls into 'routine'. Or if not routine, he at least moves to a bottom line comfort level. Hello complacency.

So, of course this is aggravating. All of sudden the cute little texts telling you how beautiful you are and how much he misses you turns into texts that say "I can't wait to do you all night long" (more often than not it's more vulgar than that). This is the point where a giant sigh of dismay is released and all of those NOOOOOOOS start screaming in your head. And I'm not too sure about most women, but this is the exact moment that my boredom sets in.

Men...women like being pursued, and once you have captured their attention, they still enjoy the feeling of being wanted of being needed by you...and NOT just in a sexual manner. (Yes. There is a difference.)

Now men, stop your groveling in the corner about how women just are never interested in sex, they aren't the lady in the street, freak between the sheets that you were silently hoping for. The reason why your lady is not as "interested" in sex as you wishes she was is because you stopped working for it. Plain and simple. We're vindictive like that, sorry. But trust me, this one is mostly subconscious workings here. Because men, here's a secret that not all women like to admit because it's like giving away a little bit of the power and control we have...but, yes we enjoy sex just as much as you do. *GASP* And yes, we talk about it just as much as you talk about it with your fellas. *DOUBLE GASP!*

So, word to the wise for both of the sexes here. Women...allow a man to pursue you. Stop these one night stands or random hookups that we're all guilty of. You all know that your dream relationship is not going to stem from one hazy night full of too many Redbull and Vodka's and a toss around in the sheets. So stop imagining that guy calling you back. Let a man woo you. He has it in him. If he's serious about you, he'll put in the work. That's when you know you have a good man, because a good man learned from someone in his life that women are Queens and should be treated as such. If he doesn't treat you well in the beginning ladies...he never will. Stop trying to think you can change him, that's not happening either.

Men, stop being so damn lazy. Women love to be intimate with you just as much as you love it as well. A simple replacement of your nasty text messages with something a bit more subtle will win you extra "perks" that night. Trust us. A woman will be more likely to carry a "Wow, you look absolutely amazing today and I am so blessed to be your man" through their entire day than a "Baby, I can't wait for you to get home so I can do you all night". As much as you wish the second was a turn on...she probably just got completely turned off. So realize the communication difference. (Women, this applies to you too. Men do enjoy the romance, but spice it up for him too. Make him feel wanted. If your man told you how beautiful you were...give him a little masculine "oomph" builder.)

You can thank me later.