The Friendly Inquisition

Have you ever stopped to count how many times people speak in cliches in any given conversation? Recently I've been going through some transitions, namely I was laid off from my regular full time gig (so expect to see lots more from me!) and I moved to a new apartment shortly before previously mentioned incident. Love the timing of my life right? I apparently am a clusterfunk of ill timing and missed opportunities. However, I think I'd prefer to believe that all of these awkward missteps are leading up to one giantly awesome leap into a world much cooler than the one I think revolves around me.

I learned through this transition though that being laid off has many parallels and often similar advice given from others as dating does. There are three key questions that people ask both those of us who are laid off and those of us who have been put on an indefinite relationship sabbatical. I guess if you really think about it, dating could be considered my part time job, so I should halfway expect the advice and concern to be similar.

Question #1: What happened?

Usually when you drop a bomb on someone about your personal life whether its work or relationship oriented their feigned curiosity kicks in. Half the time I believe this need for satiation comes from a deep desire of 1) voyeurism and 2) people pray that shit like this never happens to them, so they desperately search for a solid reason other than "I don't know" to reassure them that it could never possibly happen to them. Regardless, when you'd like your comeback answer to be something really cool like and slightly understandable "Oh yeah, Joe Schmo who I was dating ditched me for Angelina Jolie. Bummer. But he did what he had to do." Instead though you're usually caught between a rock and a hard place on this question. Why? Because one, you either have absolutely no clue what in the world happened and you've been asking this same nonsensical question over and over again to yourself with no avail so how in the world could you answer it for someone else? Or two, the real answer is probably something that will lead to even more probing and nosy questions from even your most compassionate of friends. (I learned this one the hard way after telling people "Oh yeah, well I was cheated on for 4 years." That's like lobbing up a high ball to a .500 batter.)

Question #2: What are you going to do?

WTF? Yeah that's normally my response. People, especially men always want to know what your immediate plan of action is after any catastrophic event. Us women on the other hand, well we need some to process before we push through. Because if you ask me immediately afterwards I may give you an awkward, unexpected response like "Oh, I dunno maybe cry all night over a bowl of ice cream and then down a whole bottle of red wine and pray there's no puke on my sheets come morning." Let's avoid that one hmm shall we?

Question #3: What can I do?

Ok, so this one is a bit trickier. This is the point in the conversation where people are attempting to "be there" for you. Cut them some slack, I know, I know. But really the honest answer is "Nothing" or something insane like "Find me an NFL husband." Bottomline is, don't ask what you can do, just try and do cool things like bring them junk food, or get them drunk. Those are usually fail safes.

Either way, questions in crisis more or less border on redundancy after you talk to the first person. If you are like me, the smart-assery of the responses exponentially increase with each additional person asking the question. Therefore, if you're bottom on the friend chain and are one of the last to find out, then prepare for the wrath... I suppose this only further ensures that you'll never move up the friend ladder. Maybe I should rotate that more... nah.