Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon...

Ok, I’m sure the moral of this story is not going to be the least bit surprising. Guys, I know you hear it all the time that women want intimacy, they want romance, the simple touches like candles and soft sheets. But my curiosity is what makes great sex for men? Is it those evenings where your lady gets a tad bit dirtier than normal? Or are you just like all of us woman and are too scared to admit that oh my, you enjoy connectable sex too! Please say that’s so. I think deep down you’d agree.

So, let me bring back some of my philosophical learnings from school. See mom, I did earn that degree, and I still remember stuff! Excellent investment. Anyways, one of my favorite Greek philosophical stories was that in Greece they believed that when human beings were first placed on this earth that at one point we were all conjoined to another person. (Imagine walking around with 4 legs and 4 arms, how cool). Anyways, the gods upstairs were none too happy with the infinite amounts of happiness this brought to us lowly humans, so they yanked us all apart and broke us into individuals. Hence, the rest of our life we were destined to roam the earth searching for our true soulmate, or former conjoined partner. Oh so romantic. I particularly love this story because it also accounts for same sex coupling, which is cool to hear that the rainbow flags were flying way back in ancient Grecian times. But I guess are we really surprised given the movie Spartacus?

Either way, I’d like to think of myself as somewhat of a romantic. Though, I’m sure most of my friends would squash that assumption and think I’m way too jaded to have that Charlotte from Sex and the City type of romantic optimism. Instead my Miranda-jadedness is probably more of an accurate identifier of my thoughts on love. As I have grown older you always begin to question the Cinderella fairytales that were thrown at you from an early age. “Oh no worries, your Prince Charming is just right around the corner!” Yeah right mom, next thing you’ll tell me is that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince. If that’s the case I’ll just roll like Sleeping Beauty and pass out until Mr. Handsome decides to get off HIS ass and find ME. Amen Disney, Amen.

But is there really just one person out there that fits you. That complements you, completes you and intrinsically is your yang to your yin. My jadedness says no, but my heart says “Yes, he’s there.” But logically, how can only one person be that match for you? I mean I’m practically a chameleon version of myself. I’m like the Madonna of dating. My “type” of guy morphs with my social environment and is always evolving based on my age, location, education, job, changing political values, morals, etc. So how could just ONE person match that same path and fit my mold of a man throughout each step of that journey? Seems damn near impossible to me.

So why this constant search for our “soulmate” or the person that fits you so well? I’ll admit I gave up that search long ago. But, it’s the search that I’m on now that’s the most difficult. Giving up the romanticism and searching for that life friend. Your life partner, your accompanist to your life’s song, your support. Biologically we’re all geared to look for certain qualities in one another, but emotionally, we are infinitely complex, but I think deep down all anyone wants is companionship. A person who walks that evolving chameleon life path with you and not only adapts to the environment, but helps push you to stick out from the crowd in all that camouflage. Because in this world, it’s guerilla warfare, and we all need a sharp shooter that has our back. So finding your life partner in essence boils down to biology. It’s easier to stand together than stand alone.

MTA Hikes? Try ILNYK Transit

I know I live in the land of public transportation where buses and trains are as frequent as seeing a Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks on the corner. Ninety percent of the people in the glorious New York metropolitan area rely on mass transit of some sort whether it’s buses, trains or even you high rollers that enjoy taxi service. However… given all of this transportation how did I end up being a local taxi service on dates?

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind picking up a guy every once in awhile. But seriously, I’m beginning to feel like I have never had that formal pick me up at the door with flowers and an open car door. Seriously. I don’t think I have ever had that happen. No joke, how sad is that? Did the simple idea of picking up a lady and opening a simple car door escape the manners of East Coast men? I’m beginning to seriously wonder.

Case and point. Or rather, multiple cases, same points. Most recent date I was asked to “pick up” someone at the train station. Ok, I understand driving from where he was is a task. But the rolling in 3 hours late for our date because you “missed” multiple trains and then once we got to the date you pointedly stated that you needed to leave in 40 minutes so you could catch the next train back. Sure no worries, Kassandra chauffeur service at your request. Would you like me to get your bag for you too sir? And yes, I will gladly accept tips and oh you owe me money for the tolls.

Second case. Was asked to go on a date with a guy in the city on a Saturday. Yes, buses run 24 hours near where I live, but the transportation isn’t exactly frequent. In fact, it’s once every hour or so. Therefore, traveling back yonder over the Hudson River is a monumental task at 2 or 3am. Well, kind gentleman offered to pay for my taxi back. Ok, fine, I’ll play that game. Oh wait, you spent all of your money getting drunk at the bar prior to me meeting you at the restaurant so you can’t afford a taxi for me to go home? Fantastic.

Final scenario, let’s waste gas together. Let’s BOTH drive to the same location and then have that awkward moment at the end of the evening where you’re like “Oh cool, here’s your car. Nice meeting you. Peace.”

Ok, I know I sound a bit spoiled in this, but my LORD how insanely difficult is it to drive to someone’s apartment and pick someone up for a date? Maybe I should start charging prices. That’s it. Put a nice taxi meter in my kickin’ 2004 Saturn Ion. Charge flat fees to and from the city and if you get to drink at the bar/restaurant and I don’t because I’m driving your ass around, well that’s a minimum $40 charge. Cash only too, because I don’t want to deal with your credit card being denied or check bounced either. And don’t even think of touching the radio homey, or even thinking about putting in your two cents about the music I’m playing. You lost your vote when you called on ILNYK Transit. This is not Driving Mr. Daisy. This is my recession proof scheme to put your lazy asses on blast.

All right, bring the hate. I know plenty of you guys will throw a fit out there and say “Damn that’s such a double standard!” Well you know what, call it affirmative action for dating fellas. I have dealt with your lazy ways long enough. And let me give you an economics lesson…

Say you pull one of these lazy transportation maneuvers, or if you have pulled one of these before, did you get that second date? My guess is HELL NO! Not one of these guys saw a second date from me, nor will they ever. In fact I hope they read this and are learning a lesson. So, basically you just went in the hole in terms of spending money on a date with absolutely no return on your investment. Economics 101 says that’s a shitty return of 0%.

Let’s say you are one of the few chivalrous men that STILL exist in this area and you do all those sweet things like pick her up, at her door. (Note I didn’t say sit in your car, call her or even better yet, text her that you’re outside and then have her get into the car… that’s just as bad). Men. Men. Men. If you take away anything from this post (that is if you’re still reading… I’m sure some of you are too pissed by now), understand that women really do pick up on the LITTLE things. I mean haven’t you noticed how many times we nag you for dumb, stupid, minute things? Why would we not pick up on those little itty bit gestures like opening a car door, or saying how beautiful we look the moment you see us walking towards you? Those things will get you the second, the third, the fourth, etc dates. As well as probably a decent *ahem* return on your investment. Economics 101, this is your stimulus package fellas. So put in the effort and stop expecting us women to bail you out because you’re too lazy to put out a teensy bit of good manners. Ok, haters commence.